Marriage is the foundation of the family

1. Marriage is the foundation of the family Strathmore School Parents seminar

2. Relationship between couples • This is core of family relationships • Children are greatly determined by how spouses relate to each other • A couple that is united and constantly working on their relationship achieves more than one that is not

3. A stable nest • A stable, peaceful home creates stable children • Parents need to be committed to each other and to their children

4. Children with two parents do better • They have higher test scores and grades • Because they have a sense of security hence are open to learning • They miss fewer days of school • Eat more regular and balanced meals • Have a higher quality of mental health

5. They dream of finishing school and joining university • They have a 7-20% higher chance of finishing university • Avoid pre-marital sex and childbearing • They are likely to avoid crime, drugs, alcohol

6. Children with one parent or divorced parents • Report less than 50% class attendance • Have a 70% higher chance of being expelled from school • Their parents are called to school more often because of indiscipline or behaviour problems

7. As young adults they have a higher chance (1.5-2.0 times) of being out of school or out of work • They have a higher chance of • premarital sex • Child birth • Having a child out of wedlock • Of not having a successful marriage

8. We need both a father and a mother • A father can never adequately fulfill the role of a mother • ..and a mother can never adequately fulfill the role of a father • Each gender brings vitally important and unique elements to a child’s development • This essential mix is absent in single parent homes

9. We need both a father and a mother • Parenting is a true partnership between husband and wife • Fathers should have an equivalent parenting role with mothers • Different and complementary roles

10. Marriage…. • is a rich personal resource for parents and children • ensures children have better physical and mental health • produces healthy children who do not overburden the health care system • protects children from poverty and abuse

11. Marriage…. • Helps them stay away from criminal behaviour • ensures children have a better future because they get good grades, graduate, get good jobs • protects the society from “bad elements” in the society • ensures our children’s will marry and stay married!!

12. The marriage myths • The grass is greener on the other side • I need to change my spouse • I should have married my soul mate • That I cannot be happy in marriage

13. Grass is greener on the other side • Of course it is greener…… • ..but when you cross over you realize it is artificial turf • I made a mistake, I should have married so and so • It is the devil’s lie

14. I will change my spouse You cannot teach an ”old” dog new tricks Most likely your spouse is your opposite You both have different personalities This was what attracted you in the beginning 17

15. But it is hard • Of course it is hard… ……because you are focusing on the things you do not like about your spouse • How about more focus on the things that you like about your spouse more 18

16. List of things that you cannot change • Gender • Communication differences • Up-bringing/childhood/school history • Personality • Training/ career 19

17. I did not marry “my soul mate” He/she would have understood me better Who really knows me I do not have to explain too much...s/he just knows My soul would know her and I would know her soul The term soul mate as we know is a creation of Hollywood…. 20

18. A soul mate? No human being can enter your soul….only God A life mate is something that you become Be understanding, loving, available to your spouse Become that person you want to see in your spouse ….and your spouse will become your “soul” mate Be present and available in your marriage 21

19. Are people still interested in getting married? Ninety-eight percent of never-married survey respondents said they wanted to marry and 88 percent said that marriage should be a lifelong commitment Asked to select their top two goals, a majority of Americans included a happy marriage as their first goal 22

20. To be happy, shouldn’t you just stay single?? • Research in 17 nations found that married men and • women report significantly higher levels of happiness than unmarried people • A survey of 14,000 adults over a 10-year-period found that marital status was one of the most • important predictors of happiness • It showed 40 percent of married individuals said they were very happy with their life in general • compared with just less than 25 percent of those who were single or cohabiting

21. The separated and divorced were the least happy group • Married people reported the highest levels of well-being, regardless of whether they were happily married or not • The married had higher self-esteem, greater life satisfaction, greater happiness and less distress • Married people were wealthier had more financial resources • It is a myth that single adults lead happier lives

22. Women are oppressed in marriage Are radical feminists correct in asserting that marriage was instituted for the benefit of men, and that it is oppressive to women physically, emotionally and economically? Stable marriage has substantial positive, emotional and psychological benefits for women, and it dramatically improves the well-being of children 25

23. Married women experience lower levels of violence, poverty, depression and emotional problems, enjoy better sex lives and live longer than single women While marriage enhances well-being for both genders, married women scored higher than married men on measures of perception of well-being Wives typically gain greater financial advantages from marriage 26

24. “… Being married is like having somebody permanently in your corner, it feels limitless, not limited.” Feminist Gloria Steinem, after marrying for the first time at age 66, People Magazine 27

25. Is sex outside of marriage better than married sex? Surveys show that husbands and wives are more satisfied with sex than sexually active singles Forty-eight percent of husbands labeled sex with their partner “extremely satisfying emotionally,” compared to just 37 percent of cohabiting men; 50 percent of married men found sex physically satisfying compared to 39 percent of cohabiting men 28

26. For women, 42 percent of married women and 39 percent of cohabiting women said they were “extremely satisfied emotionally” by sex with their partner After controlling for age and other differences, married men and married women were substantially more satisfied with sex than cohabiting or single men and women 29

27. Marriage provides: Proximity A long-term contract Exclusivity Emotional bonding Security 30

28. Are couples that cohabit (live together) similar in all respects to married couples? They could be together for economic gain or to raise their children together However their level of commitment is not the same and they often do not stay together for life This has a negative impact on their children Their children are also unlikely to marry 31

29. Men and women are distinctly different they are not interchangeable units A father can never adequately fulfill the role of a mother and a mother can never adequately fulfill the role of a father Each gender brings vitally important and unique elements to a child’s development 32

30. This essential mix is absent in single parent homes • Parenting is a true partnership between husband and wife • Fathers should have an equivalent parenting role with mothers • Different and complementary roles 33

31. I can treat him/her however I want No you cannot treat him anyhow Do you have some annoying habits that make life miserable for your spouse like Being rude Not keeping time Squeezing the toothpaste in the middle Buying unnecessary things Criticizing your spouse in public nagging 34

32. How to change an annoying habit • Accept that you have such a habit • Realize it • Change it…be patient it takes time • Check it and keep working on it • Its easier said than done…. • It takes one month to acquire a virtue 35

33. I should not have to ask…….. …do I need to keep repeating things???? Yes…he/she cannot read minds • Just ask the question! • But suggest it do not demand it • Give time for thought or decision making • Be willing to accept something less than you asked for • And give gentle reminders if they forget 36

34. Remember…. • The more you push the more I resist • The more you nag the less I hear you • The more you demand the less I feel appreciated • The more you command the more I resent it • You need to actively listen 37

35. Listen by • Maintaining eye contact- give full attention • Putting away the newspaper, unplugging the TV • Do not make judgements • Give your full attention • Positive body language

36. When your feeling nagged to talk Your spouse is always asking “can we talk..” Avoidance is the easiest solution But if offers temporary relief It means that you have lost your friendship The only contact you have it to tackle difficult situations 39

37. When your feeling nagged to talk Find time to do things you used to enjoy together Ask HER when she least expects it “what do you really need?” Friends communicate better than enemies do 40

38. Select the right time!

39. Select the right time! Certainly not on a Monday morning when the pressures are high There is a time for everything Likely on a Friday evening or Saturday morning Maybe late night “bombs” should be avoided

40. …. effective communication Try taking a meal away from home and children Or a weekend get away Stressful environments are communication killers avoid the office, car environments

41. Select the right SETTING • Genuine communication is clouded by everyday living • Spouses communication is limited to talking at the spouse rather than talking to • Real communication is best achieved away from the home and work setting

42. We have taken on more than we can handle • We are too busy • Do we get home late every day? • Do we have different schedules? • - No common dinner time • - N o common tea time • - No common bed time • No time to talk about our work or day • - very important de stressor

43. Practicalities • Spend quality time together • The irony of the family Sunday bonding session • Create time to be alone with your spouse • Create bonding sessions • Be interesting-read up on topics that interest them • Be loving • Be patient

44. Why does one spouse find communication a form of torture 47

45. Talking about sensitive issues • Avoid conflict at any cost • Keep eye contact • Watch your body language • Avoid the familiar road that leads to chaos • Be principle centred-do not ask who is right but What is right • You are partners not prosecutors • the marriage comes first before issues of who was right or wrong • Respect your spouse during “the talk”

46. How to begin a conversation • Identify what you want to talk about • Stick only to this and do not bring up old agendas • Get the right timing • Is your spouse tired, hungry, sick, stressed? • Keep to the point, do not keep repeating • allow time for feedback

47. Get the right setting • not in front of children, house help, others • Use the correct body language • Keep eye contact • Be loving • Be respectful • Speak calmly • Check the tone of your voice • Non verbal communication

48. Accept views and opinions of your spouse • Be appreciative-have they listened to you? Tell them you value their opinion • Actively listen • Listen • Understand the person • Feel the person

49. Nil by mouth! • Silence can be one of the loudest forms of communication • What are you saying when your not talking? • I do not want to talk because it is going to end up with a fight? • Or do not bother me • Or I do not care about you at all

50. My marriage is over • I have tried everything • We have talked over this issue • Your suggestion will not help • Nothing you suggest will work