The Conversation

1. The Conversation By: Rachael Bajema and Julie Dalton

2. Crucial Conversations are Difficult • Crucial conversations are those that can alter your life • Difficult conversation are on topics you find hard to talk about • Since crucial conversations are often life changing, they are usually difficult

4. Human Nature • Most people approach these conversations one of two ways: “silence or violence” (Patterson et al., 2002) • Fight or Flight • Usually these conversations are spontaneous • According to Patterson, Grenny, McMillian, and Switzer (2002), when confronted with a difficult conversation, we are genetically programmed to react • As a result, we usually end up doing things or saying things we later regret

5. The Missteps • Assumptions and Intentions • Offending and Defending • Playing the Blame Game

6. Assumptions and Intentions

7. Assumptions and Intentions • It is easy to couple impact (on us) with intent (of the person). • Since crucial conversations are often spontaneous, it is easy to jump to conclusions about intent • Stone, Patton, and Heen (1999) point out that “intentions are invisible” and we can only assume them from the other person’s behavior. • As a result, if the other person’s behavior hurts us, we are more likely to assume that person had bad intentions

8. Offending and Defending

9. Offending and Defending • We often go in to crucial conversations with the “right or wrong” attitude • We defend our position to the end and see the other person as our opponent • Which in turn makes “our opponent” defend their position • No resolution

10. Playing the Blame Game

11. Playing the Blame Game • Pattern of a Crucial/Difficult Conversation • We feel hurt/scared/offended • We assume we know intent • We defend • We blame

12. What to DO?? • Patterson et al. (2002) sugests: Start with the Heart • You will never get anywhere if you don’t genuinely want to resolve the situation • Motive is everything

13. What to DO?? • Assumptions and Intentions • Seek first to understand • To get anywhere in a disagreement, we need to understand the other person’s story well enough so that their conclusions make sense within it (Stone et al., 1999). • We assume that we know the other person’s intentions when we don’t—it is impossible • “Disentangle Impact from Intent” (Stone et al., 1999)

14. What to DO?? • Assumptions and Intentions, continued • Our assumptions affects our behavior towards the other person, which in turn affects their behavior toward us • It is important to acknowledge the other person’s feelings • Once we let go of our assumptions, we are free to understand differing perceptions, interpretations and values

15. What to DO?? • Offending and Defending • When it comes to crucial conversations, the reality is that almost always both people contributed to the situation • “Move from Certainty to Curiosity” (Stone et al., 1999) • Instead of an “I’m right, you’re wrong” stance, move to an “And” stance • “and” allows us to embrace both sides of the story and come to a mutual conclusion

16. What to DO?? • Offending and Defending, continued • Commit to a mutual purpose • This means committing to the conversation until a mutual agreement can be made, not just arguing until someone finally gives in • Rather then vehemently defending your side, commit to letting go and finding common ground

17. What to DO?? • Blame • Talking about blame distracts from the more important issue of discovering what went wrong and how we can fix it • Rather than judging (which is essentially what blame is), see how both parties contributed to the situation • “Hold your view as a Hypothesis” (Stone et al., 1999) • You only have the story from your perspective—there is always more than one piece the puzzle