Conflict defined:

1. Conflict defined: • Numerous definitions exist! For our purposes “conflict” is: • 1) Perceived- Perception is reality. • 2) An expressed struggle- The conflict turns from intrapersonal to interpersonal. The other person is made aware of it. • 3) Interdependence- Each person’s choices affect the other. • 4) Perceived incompatible goals- Topic, Relational, Identity, • Process • 5) Perceived scarce resources- can be physical, economic, time and/or social consequence. • Interference- the other is getting in the way of their goal(s) 2- struggling with a $ issue, partner spent the rent $ on JB tix. Not a conflict until you know. 3- I don’t care if your roommate spent the $. 4- He objects to your “position” at some level topic/relational/identity/process.

2. Why study conflict? • Mental health improves with a constructive conflict process. Ineffective conflict management adds to depression and hopelessness. • Physical health : Ineffective conflict management contributes to over eating, physical and psychological abuse of partners. (O’Leary et.al. 1998)

3. Misplaced Conflict • Transferring an emotional response from one intrapersonal/interpersonal conflict to another individual. For example, you are frustrated with your boss, so you come home and pick a fight with your brother.

4. Relationships • Family: Determines patterns (constructive or destructive). Conflict between parents predicts the well-being of children. • Workplace: Conflicts present important challenges to your career development. 85% of conflicts are at work. Bergmann 1994). • Romantic: Ability to move through conflict determinesthe course of a relationship. (Wilmot, 1995) Text

5. Relationships are dynamic (continually changing)- people are continually attempting to maintain balance. • Inevitable contradictions one must try to balance (Dr. Baxter): • Autonomy-connection- A need for separation from others and a feeling of attachment. • Novelty-predictability- the desire for change and stability. Some excitement please! But we also want to know that a relationship is stable. • Openness-closedness - Self disclosure norms, the need for privacy

6. Dr. Howard Gardner intelligence types: Linguistic-words and language Logical-Mathematical-logic and numbers Musical-music, sound, rhythm Bodily-Kinesthetic -body movement control Spatial-Visualimages and space Interpersonal- other people's feelings Intrapersonal- self-awareness

8. What is emotional intelligence? What is your definition? Which characteristics would be included? Jot down a list.

9. Emotional Intelligence • “The capacity for recognizing our own feelings and those of others, for motivating ourselves, and for managing emotions well in ourselves and in our relationships.” (Goleman 1998, 317)

10. Four clusters of competency that describe emotional intelligence: • 1) Self -Awareness • 2) Self-Management • 3) Social-Awareness • 4) Social Skills • (Goleman 1995)

11. Self-Awareness • Emotional awareness: Recognizing your emotions and their effects. • Accurate self assessment: Knowing one’s strengths and limits. Ex. You know that you can’t debate a certain topic without becoming angry. • Self-confidence: Sureness about one’s self-worth and capabilities. ex. Identity achievement

12. Self-Management SSelf-control: Managing disruptive emotions and impulses. Ex. Manage anger, fear before reacting. Trustworthiness: Maintaining standards of honesty and integrity. Ex. Not sacrificing your character to assuage a fear. Conscientiousness: Taking responsibility for your actions. Adaptability: Flexibility in handling change. Innovativeness: Being comfortable with and open to novel ideas and new information. Son has new teachers Group decision making being willing to listen to a devil’s advocate

13. Social-Awareness Empathy: Sensing others feelings and perspective, and taking an active interest in their concerns. Ex. being able to relate to a feeling. Service orientation: Anticipating, recognizing, and meeting others’ needs. Being other oriented. Developing others: Sensing what others need in order to develop, and bolstering their abilities. Leveraging diversity: Cultivating opportunities through diverse people. Political awareness: Reading a groups’ emotional currents and power relationships. Who really has the power? Leadership, delegate, skill diversity P.A. the pulse of the group, team, class (morale).

14. Social Skills Influence: Wielding effective tactics for persuasion. Communication: Sending clear and convincing messages. Leadership: Inspiring and guiding people. Change catalyst: Initiating or managing change.

15. Conflict management: Negotiating and resolving disagreements Building bonds: Nurturing instrumental relationships. Collaboration and cooperation: Working with others toward shared goals. Team capabilities: Creating group synergy in pursuing collective goals.

16. Discussion Questions: • Discuss with a partner what you believe are your key strengths from the list on page 7. What are three areas that you believe, or have been told, need development? • Name and describe some people you know who model certain areas of emotional intelligence. What do you notice that they do?

17. The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse (Gottman 1999) • “When these four horseman ride into a relationship, the end is near.” • Criticizing (destructive instead of the constructive complaint) • Defensiveness- a desire to protect yourself. • Stonewalling- “I’m not here” type of behavior • Contempt-Putting your self on a “higher plane” than the other. (Using verbal, or nonverbal communication)

18. Escalatory Spirals • Defined: the relationship continues to circle around and around to a damaging end; The conflict is self-perpetuating. • Avoidance spirals- didn’t call back because you didn’t call back • Attack/withdraw spirals • Attack/Attack spirals • pg 29

19. A Constructive Complaint • “The first minute of conflict with married couples predicts for 96% of couples whether they will stay married or divorce.” Gottman (1999) • Use “I” statements • Describe the undesirable behavior • Use neutral, not nonjudgmental language. • Ask for a specific, behavioral change

20. Scenario: You are excited to go to dinner with one of your best friends. You haven’t seen this person in awhile because you have been so busy. You have been looking forward to it all week. Fifteen minutes before you are about to meet your friend, you receive a text that s/he won’t be able to make it. You later find out that your friend ended up going out with a mutual friend that night.

21. In a group of two or three, write a brief dialogue (four responses for each character) of how a conflict would play out between you and your friend. • The first dialogue should be an example of an escalatory spiral. The complaint should be destructive. • The second dialogue should be an example using a constructive complaint. (Hopefully, the dialogue is more constructive).

23. Create Supportive instead of Defensive climates • Description instead of evaluation • Spontaneity rather than strategy • Empathy instead of neutrality • Equality rather than superiority • Provisionalism instead of certainty