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Session VIII Codependency or

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Session VIII Codependency or

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    1. Session VIII Codependency or “What, ME SICK!!!”

    2. Codependency is… A treatable disease. A compulsion to seek a sense of feeling “worthwhile outside of one’s self.” A set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family experiencing great emotional pain.

    3. These behaviors are passed on from generation to generation whether alcoholism is present or not.

    4. Typically, codependent people come from an environment of alcoholism and/or drug dependency, mental illness, sexual an/or physical abuse, severe family conflict, suicide, and/or parental abuse.

    5. Causes Trauma in early childhood such as: abuse neglect abandonment enmeshment This affects: boundaries self-esteem reality moderation wants/needs

    6. Characteristics of children experiencing trauma Child may become one of two types of adults:

    7. As Adults they are usually Type I Wounded Love Addict Fears abandonment Self-centered Extremely emotional Feels less Than… Needy Super dependent Irresponsible Super vulnerable Type II Adapted Love-Avoidant Fears intimacy “Thinker” Feels better than… Needless/wantless Super independent Super responsible Invulnerable

    8. Without treatment they become adults who are wounded but can adapt to any given situation or relationship.

    9. All addictions are like an umbrella over a core of pain. At that core the child feels Unlovable and/or Unloved

    10. The umbrella of addictions includes raising the external sense of self-worth through Destructive relationships Abuse of work (Workaholism) Compulsive over-eating Internet addiction Compulsive sexual behavior Perfectionism Abuse of power Abuse of religion Compulsive gambling Compulsive over-spending (shopaholism) Alcohol and drug abuse Procrastination

    11. Codependents frequently Blame Threaten Coerce Beg Bribe Don’t say what they mean Don’t mean what they say Don’t mean what they mean Don’t take themselves seriously Take themselves too seriously Ask for what they want indirectly (sighing)

    12. Try to say what will please other people Try to say what will provoke other people Latch on to whoever or whatever they think will provide happiness Believe people can’t or don’t love them Equate love with pain Try to prove they are good enough to be loved Tolerate abuse to keep people loving them

    13. In the later stages of codependency, codependents may Feel depressed Become withdrawn and isolated Experience a complete loss of daily routine Abuse or neglect their children Feel hopeless

    14. Become seriously emotionally, physically or spiritually ill Experience an eating disorder Become addicted to alcohol or drugs Think about suicide Become violent

    15. Clear vs. Codependent Identities Clear Identity I know who I am I respect authority when appropriate I like to get close to others but keep my identity Codependent Identity I act as if I know who I am I respect authority because I am afraid of what will happen if I don’t I fear getting close to other because I might get hurt or loose myself

    16. Clear Identity I like being alone I feel everyone has something to offer including me I care for myself therefore I can care for others Codependent Identity Being alone means being lonely for me I feel that I am better than others or that others are better than me I tend to care for others and tend NOT to care for myself

    17. Characteristics of Adult Children from Compulsive Families Addictive/compulsive or marry an addictive/compulsive person Delusion/denial Judgmental of self or others Tolerates inappropriate behavior Seeks approval Attracted to sick relationships Loyal to a fault

    18. Overview of Codependence Recovery Childhood Issues Denial Stage – “I was not abused as a child.” Blame Stage – “I admit I was abused, but I can’t get well until my parents do. It’s all their fault I am sick.” Adult Symptoms Denial Stage – “I am not a codependent.” Blame Stage – “I have the disease, but I can’t get well until you do. It’s all your fault I’m sick.”

    19. Accountability Stage – “I am now able to hold my major caregivers accountable for what was done to me and have my feelings about it.” Relief Stage – “I am beginning to feel relief from having my feelings about the abuse. I am feeling better as I let go of the intense emotions surrounding the abuse.” Accountability Stage – “I hold myself responsible for my disease and recovery from its symptoms.” Relief Stage – “I am beginning to experience a sense of personal power and hope as I heal from my symptoms and take charge of my life.”

    20. “ I am now seeing that what happened to me has created who I am and I am grateful because I can see how the problems created by abuse have in turn created my spiritual path and given me some depth of character and wisdom.”

    21. The Truth is: Our family did the best they could. They didn’t mean to abuse us.

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