Answering Your Child’s Questions About Loss

1. Answering Your Child’s Questions About Loss November 2, 2011 Lisa Moment, MSW Lisa Murphy, Psy.D.

2. Guiding Principles • “Honesty is the best policy” but keep it simple! • Create opportunities to talk, encourage discussion. • Focus on listening. • Validate and gently correct misperceptions. • Be patient. • Be optimistic, convey a sense of hope. • Remember, you can always correct conversational mistakes! • Provide stability, security, and consistency.

3. When Answering Questions: • Use words and concepts your child can understand. Make the explanation appropriate to your child's age and level of understanding. Resist over explaining. • Be prepared to repeat explanations or have several conversations. Some information may be hard to accept or understand. Asking the same question over and over may be your child's way of asking for reassurance. • Acknowledge and support your child's thoughts, feelings, and reactions. Let your child know that you think their questions and concerns are important. • Be consistent and reassuring, but don't make unrealistic promises.

4. Understanding Sadness Your children need to know: • Why you are sad, why others are sad and why they are sad. Start by saying: • “This is a very, very sad time . . .” • “A very, very sad thing has happened . . . “ • “Mommy and Daddy are sad because . . . “

5. Words to explain death: • A person’s body has stopped working and won’t work anymore. • Clearly state that death is not a form of sleeping. • Don’t use words like “passed away”, “left us”, or “gone on”. These sayings are very confusing to a child. • Phrases that may be helpful: • “When we die our body stops working. We don’t move , we don’t see or hear or taste or smell anything. Our hearts stop beating.” • “It looks like we are asleep but being dead is not the same as being asleep. After we fall asleep we can wake up. We do not get up and move around after we die.”

6. Children Ages Two to Five : • Egocentric, extremely curious and very literal in how they interpret their world. • Death is perceived as a temporary state. • Vague explanations can create confusion and increase anxiety and fear. • Use multiple “very’s”. • Label emotions, talk about how you or your child may be feeling.

7. Children Ages Six to Nine: • Two major developmental changes – know the difference between fantasy and reality and they can experience guilt • Most understand death is final • Need a more detailed explanation • Fear of abandonment prevalent • Understand that death means change • May experience feelings of sadness, anger, guilt longing, fear and confusion

8. Be prepared, you may hear the following: • Children under six need a sense of security. They may seek reassurances about the future. • They may ask specific questions about the deceased’s body. • They may ask about the health and well-being of family members. They may need to be reassured about your safety and well-being. • They may wonder about their own mortality. • Here is an example of a reassuring phrase: • “I’m fine. I will be with you. I’m not going to die for a long, long time. You will be very old by the time I die.”

9. Resources Internet: • American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry http://www.aacap.org • Center for Mental Health Services http://www.mentalhealth.org/child • Dougy Center, The National Center for Grieving Children and Families http://www.dougy.org • National Institute of Mental Health http://www.nimh.nih.gov • Hospice Foundation of America http://www.hospicefoundation.org • American Psychological Association http://www.apa.org • National Child Traumatic Stress Network http://www.nctsnet.org

10. Books for Parents: • Helping Children Cope with the Loss of a Loved One, by William C. Kroen • How Do We Tell the Children, by Dan Schaefer and Christine Lyons • How to Say it to Your Kids, by Paul Coleman • Talking with Children About Loss, by Maria Trozzi

11. Books for Children: • A Story for Hippo, by Simon Puttock and Alison Bartlett • The Fall of Freddie the Leaf, by Leo Buscaglia • Lifetimes, by Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen • When Dinosaurs Die, by Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown • Where is Grandpa?, by T. A. Barron