“ CARING TOO MUCH ”

1. “ CARING TOO MUCH” The Value of Maintaining Therapeutic Boundaries in Our Work Presentation by Elizabeth Causton, MSW

2. In our work, ‘caring too much’ is very different from ‘caring a lot’When we become over-involved emotionally, it often means that the family’s story has become our story, or a reflection of our storyand as a result, we risk creating confusion in the family dance and additional stress for ourselves

3. When we have clarity about where we are coming from, as well as respect for personal boundaries … we will find that we can feel deeply, and still think clearly, and act wisely in our work

4. The Heart/Mind Balance We do not get lost in sympathy and grief nor do we remain cool and distant

5. Every family has a dance • Every family dance has a (long!) history • Every step taken on every family ‘dance floor’ has a reason in the context of that history

6. When one member of the family dance begins to do their part of the dance differently, the whole dance changes

7. Remember that nothing exposes ‘fault lines’ on a family dance floor like crisis and changeDealing with the crisis may also mean dealing with what is being revealed by the crisis

8. If family members see us as an audience, no wonder they might be • Shy around us • Hypersensitive to criticism • Trying to put their best foot forward

9. When we see people struggling with a difficult or painful dance, it can be tempting to want to get out on their dance floor to: • ‘Fix’ the dance • Direct the dancers • Give them ‘our’ solution to ‘their’ problem • Imply that there is a right or wrong way to approach their disease,treatment, decision making process, death, grief

10. If we find ourselves frequently labeling families as those who ‘dance well’ and those who ‘don’t dance well’… we need to understand THE HEAVEN AND HELL OF TEAM

11. The value of our role is to stand on the edge of the dance floor To observe …from our perspective To comment…on what we see, as appropriate To normalize…the sense of loss, the emotional responses, and the challenges

12. Therapeutic Distance Knowing where we stand in relationship to the people we are working with It means that we don’t get ‘lost’ in our work

13. Signs that we may be on someone else’s dance floor • Extremes of emotional response • Finding it hard to ‘share’ • Needing to control decisions made by the patient or family

14. HOOKS • The often unconscious attachments or associations we make with people who remind of us of a person or a relationship (perhaps still unresolved) on our own dance floor • Until we identify the pattern involved, we may find ourselves repeatedly ‘hooked’ onto other people’s dance floors

15. How can we be more clear about where we stand in our work? • By being clear and honest about our own needs • By learning to see and value our own dance • By consciously striving to be in a dance that supports and nurtures us

16. “How would it change the dance if we all approached the lives of others and engaged in our own lives knowing that we are all intrinsically well and inherently whole, in need only of being drawn forth into the discovery of our own unabashed completeness?”Saki Santorelli from “Heal Thyself”