Communicating Clearly, Setting Limits, & Handling Stress

1. Communicating Clearly,Setting Limits, & Handling Stress Jean Miranda, MFT, CEAP Employee Assistance Program (EAP) Winter 2013

2. A Working Definition of Communication

3. Active Listening Skills • Practice in Pairs

4. Active Listening Points • Don’t give orders or commands • Be a good listener, truly listening • Listen with eyes and ears, nonverbally • Validate feelings first, then facts • Allow person to vent, know when to move on

5. Empathic Listening • Be non-judgmental - don’t put your own value system on the person or situation - don’t judge the facts or reality of their anxiety - listen, validate feelings • Give your undivided attention • Listen carefully to the REAL message - listen for clues through the smokescreen • Allow silence for reflection • Use re-statements for clarification

6. Styles of Verbal Communication • Assertive • Aggressive • Passive

7. Body Language • Proxemics • Kinesics • Paraverbals

8. Communicating 100% of Your Meaning • What % is verbal? • What % is nonverbal?

9. Nonverbal Behavior • Any message you transmit to another person has three parts: • nonverbal = 55% • paraverbal - 38% • verbal = 7%

10. Proxemics • Invisible extension of our body • Comfort area, 1.5 to 3 feet around body • Factors: gender, past history, ethnicity, culture, hygiene, age, relationship, environment, professional experience, height, clothes, facial expression.....

11. Tips About Personal Space • Think of personal space of other person • Violation of personal space can feel like a challenge or provocation • Signs that you are someone’s space: • broken eye contact • bending back • fingers/hand movements

12. Kinesics:Body Language • The nonverbal message we transmit through motion and posture • can be supportive or provoking • invokes fight-or-flight response • shoulder to shoulder, toe to toe

13. Elements Of Kinesics • Facial expression • Eye contact (or none) • Body Posture, Body Orientation • Approach (rate of speed) • Hand Gestures • Touch

14. Paraverbals • How we say what we say • “Doorway” between verbal & nonverbal communication • Like “theme music” in a movie: think “Jaws”

15. Elements of Paraverbals • Tone: inflection, energy, “attitude”, can be sarcastic, shaming, condescending • Volume: raising or lowering of voice - don’t have to match person’s volume • Cadence: speed, rhythm, rate

16. Non-Verbal Communication Inflection Kinesics Tone Gesture Pitch Posture Touch Cadence Proxemics Volume Body Orientation

17. What You Have to Work With • Results • Relationships

18. Emotional Intelligence

19. Four Basic Needs To Feel Understood To Feel Welcome To Feel Comfortable To Feel Important

20. A Simple But Effective Rubric • Negative behavior • Negative impact • Positive behavior • Positive impact

21. Three Keys To Setting Limits Limits need to be: • Clear and concise… and consistent • Reasonable to the person and to the situation • Enforceable - be prepared to enforce it: • would I? • could I? • no idle threats

22. Verbal Tips & Techniques • Remain calm • Listen, give time to reflect and reply • Be aware of nonverbals (yours and theirs) • Redirect - repeat, re-state as needed • provide positive choices, use humor if possible • Use positive consequences, build in incentives

23. Verbal Slip-ups to Avoid • Overreacting • Getting into a power struggle • Making false promises • Faking attention • Becoming threatening • Getting physical

24. Verbal Slip-ups to Avoid • Using jargon (esp. psychological) • Setting limits you aren’t prepared to keep • Minimizing the other’s feelings or experience • Being judgmental • Yelling or getting emotional • DOmodel the behaviors we expect

25. A Tip To Remember First seek to understand, then to be understood. Some listen with the intent to reply, rather than the intent to understand.

26. Precipitating Factors • Internal and external causes for acting-out behaviors that you may have little or no control over • A crisis doesn’t happen in a vacuum • Don’t burn out trying to control what you can’t control - there are other causes of baggage people bring into a situation • Avoid becoming a precipitating factor yourself - de-personalize it

27. Internal Physiological or Psychological illness Lack of sleep Stress, overwhelm Loss of a loved one Frustration, anxiety, stress, pain, hunger, depression, fear External Family situation Past history Money issues Change of all kinds Weather, Environment Holidays, anniversary dates Precipitating Factors

28. Rational Detachment • Our ability to stay in control of our emotions during a difficult interaction by remaining professional and not taking it personally • Create buffer between you and the other person - “wall” deflects some things, allows others in • Keep yourself healthy at home and at work - stay balanced, take care of yourself • Create a comfortable work environment

29. Prevention Prior knowledge Know your triggers and hot buttons Effective Teaming Have a life Support group/vent Intervention Anticipate, prepare - have a plan A & B Don’t personalize Organizational focus Use humor Relaxation techniques Rational Detachment

30. Identifying Your“Hot Buttons” Think back to the last time you had a “reactive” attitude at work: • What set it off? What were your “hot buttons?” • How did the reactive attitude affect your interaction (and the rest of your day)? • What would a strategic response have been? • What were the barriers to having a strategic response?

31. What is a “Strategic”Response? • A response which attempts to achieve the result you desire • Attempting to be positive in difficult or challenging situations • Choosing our behaviors and following through with the right attitude despite negative influences • Taking the initiative to make things happen: Proactive, not Reactive

32. What to Avoid!Boundaries Can Help • Letting others’ reactive responses rub off on you • Taking out your own frustrations on others • Allowing others to make decisions for you • Letting others impact your mood or your health

33. Insulate Your Attitude • Manage your stress effectively and take care of yourself • Talk about it with a friend, family • or co-worker • Allow yourself to feel and express emotions (appropriately) • Use positive self-talk • If you can’t control it, • don’t worry about it – let it go

34. Managing Your Stress Effectively

35. Road Map • Awareness – Stress Symptoms • Acceptance – Stress Traps • Action – Communication, Time Management, & more • Coping – Stress Management Strategies

36. Stress: Truths and Myths • Stress is all around us • Stress can be positive or negative • Most people focus on the stress itself, rather than on managing it • A stress-free life is possible and preferable • Only unpleasant situations are stressful • Stress is bad - avoid it at all costs

37. Signs of Stress • Having trouble sleeping • Forgetting things • Anxious about not having enough time • Skipping meals, breaks, vacation time • Cutting others off before they finish • Fatigued • Preoccupied • Impatient/irritable • Easily frustrated/angry • Look tired, dark circles under the eyes • Lost sense of humor

38. Stress Symptoms • Physical • Cognitive • Emotional • Behavioral

39. Responding To Stress:The ABC Theory • Your body produces physical signals; then: • Your mind produces cognitive signals; then: • Your feelings give you emotional signals; then: • ....you interact with others....

40. Perception Defines Experience • It’s not the event itself, but how you interpret and react to it that causes the feeling of stress and determines how stressed you feel. • Taking more control of each step is the name of the game

41. Transform Trigger Thoughts.... • Automatic response to an event • Just the right reason to get upset • Great justification for stonewalling

42. ....Into Coping Thoughts • The opposite of trigger thoughts • Reduces stress by changing your perception of the event • The goal is that this response become automatic

43. Consequences of aHigh-Stress Work Style • Inability to prioritize – can spend too much time on trivial details • Time urgency – feel overwhelmed, rush others around you • Accidents and mistakes occur • Burnout

44. Improving Your Ability to Handle Stress • Self-assurance • Personal vision • Choose realistic and flexible goals • Get organized • Proactive perspective • Anticipate changes, plan contingencies • Fine tune problem solving skills • Interpersonal competence • Socially connected • Balanced workload • Self-inventory: what helps you be resilient in times of stress?

45. Stress Reduction TechniquesThat Work • Something internal: • deep breathing • guided imagery • meditation • re-framing • recharging • trigger thoughts to coping thoughts • Something external: • aerobics, stretching • running, jogging, swimming, biking • lifting weights • expressive arts

46. Coping Strategies • Manage your own reactions • Set goals and reward yourself • Build your support system • Manage your time and tasks, prioritize to-do lists • Identify and eliminate time wasters • Rationally detach, focus on things you can control or influence