In-Class Essays

1. In-Class Essays

2. Review the Prompt

3. Surveillance is Necessary “Believe me, merchants don't like monitoring their customers to prevent theft, but they know that it's a matter of economic survival. Merchants know that closely watching customers is bad public relations if done crudely. However, the retail industry loses over 31.3 billion dollars every year, and shoplifting represents about one-third of that. Customer surveillance is limited to the public areas where there is no expectation of privacy as opposed to inside fitting rooms and restrooms that are considered private areas. If trained professionals do the surveillance properly, most people will never realize they have been observed while shopping. And since people from certain communities are more likely to shoplift than others, it's not surprising that loss prevention personnel keep a close watch on them. Certain groups simply harbor more lawbreakers, and while in theory security personnel should keep a watchful eye on everyone, the reality is that they need to focus their attention where it will pay off. The fact that certain ethnic groups are over-represented in arrest statistics shows that targeting them for increased police scrutiny is a smart business move and should be at the core of every business’ security policy.”Explain White's argument and discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with his analysis and conclusion. Support your position, providing reasons and examples from your own readings, observations, and experiences.

4. Outline • Readings • Observations • Experiences • Surveillance is rampant • Blink Your Eyes • Hounding • Surveillance angers people • WWYD • News • Surveillance is futile • Experiences in retail • Friends’ experiences

5. My intro How do you act when no one is watching? The idea that someone is always watching is an idea that has been on the forefront of many discussions of current events. Surveillance occurs in many situations in life, and oftentimes, one might not even be aware that surveillance is taking place. In his article “Surveillance is Necessary,” Dan White argues that surveillance in stores based on or informed by ethnicity is a “smart business move.” However, I disagree with Dan White’s argument because in my readings, observations, and experiences, I have found that surveillance causes rampant racism, anger in people both in and out of those ethnic groups, and is futile because one person is just as likely to steal as the next person, regardless of race.

6. How your papers are graded • We read every essay alongside of the CSU rubric and determined where the essay fell on the 1-6 scale • We then assigned point values based on an A-F scale for each number on the 1-6 scale • I went back and converted the 1-6 according to the point scale devised

9. How I thought in general • 1 = you attempted to answer the question • 2 = you had a structured essay that neglected the actual prompt • 3 = you had a structured essay that began to answer the prompt but lost sight of it or lost sight of the organization along the way • 4 = you had a structured essay that answered the prompt, but there was often a flaw in the intro/thesis, or you lost sight of the prompt and got back to it later on in your essay • 5 = you had a structured essay that answered the prompt, but could have been developed more

10. Points • The essay itself is out of 50 points. • You also received up to 5 points for your pre-thinking/outlining on the back of the prompt. • Point total = 55 points 50-55 = A 49-44 = B 43-39 = C 38-33 = D 32 and lower = F

11. Please review the sample essays attached to your copies of the rubric. Assign a grade to each sample essay and note that grade in your journal. DO NOT write on the essays themselves!

12. Sample Essays • Sample #1 – 2 • Does not fully address the prompt, lacking organization, very brief and not detailed at all. • Sample #2 – 5 • Detailed, organized, addresses the prompt. • Sample #3 – 3 • Addresses the prompt, but is missing a proper intro and overall organization. Also very brief. • Sample #4 – 4- • Lacks the “experiences” but addresses the prompt, lays out organization in the intro, and sticks with it throughout the essay. Also brings Dan White back into the conclusion.

13. Journal 34

14. Journal 34 • Reflect on your grade. Copy down at least one of the comments made on your essay. What can you do to improve your essay? What were your strengths? What will you do differently on the next in-class essay (i.e. spend more time outlining, manage your time better, etc.)

16. Number Breakdown • 6 = 0 • 5 = 6 • 4 = 16 • 3 = 40 • 2 = 22 • 1 = 15 Total number of students = 99

17. Common Issues

18. The biggest issue! • INTRO, INTRO, INTRO • Your intro sets the tone for your ENTIRE paper! Just reading the intro is a near-perfect indicator of how the paper as a whole will score. • Remember, HOOK  IVF  Thesis

19. “Businesses provide a very easy, carefree shopping experience for customers. But when certain shoppers take advantage of this kind act of the retailers, businesses must take action to protect their items for sale. Therefore, Dan White was completely correct when stating, “Certain groups simply harbor more lawbreakers, and while in theory security personnel should keep a watchful eye on everyone, the reality is that they need to focus their attention where it pays off.” Does not explain Dan White’s argument, only copies it!

20. “Opening up a business requires owners to come across a copious amount of issues in which they are forced to make smart decisions in order to maintain a successful workplace. In Dan White’s opinion, he claims that achieving this success can be possible by targeting certain ethnic groups for increased police scrutiny. Although our society sees racial profiling as unethical, White’s claim is certainly true based on my experiences working at a clothing store, several readings of articles, and simply maintaining a successful business.” Yay!

21. Another common issue… Losing the organization of the essay mid-way through Your introduction SHOULD provide an outline for the rest of your essay. If your intro is off, the whole paper will be off. Lay out an outline in your thesis and stick to it!

22. Sample of a well-organized paper Opening up a business requires owners to come across a copious amount of issues in which they are forced to make smart decisions in order to maintain a successful workplace. In Dan White’s opinion, he claims that achieving this success can be possible by targeting certain ethnic groups for increased police scrutiny. Although our society sees racial profiling as unethical, White’s claim is certainly true based on my experiences working at a clothing store, several readings of articles and by simply maintaining a successful business.

23. Paragraph #2 = experiences with Surveillance while working at clothing store • Paragraph #3 = Information in “Racial Profiling” about taxi drivers “surveillance” • Paragraph #4 = 31.3 billion dollars lost in businesses due to theft and the need for surveillance to keep a successful business

24. In short, racial profiling in businesses are necessary in order to achieve a successful workplace. This concept is demonstrated clearly by my experiences working at a clothing store, readings of articles and simply by maintaining a business. Dan White should be commended for his accurate assessment. Re-addresses the items in the Introduction, wraps it up nicely, and brings it “full-circle” with a re-mention of Dan White!

25. Another Big Issue • Proofreading!! The following are actual examples from essays read…

26. WAYS TO SPELL “Surveillance”  survalince surveyance servallance survailance suvailence surveliance survilence

27. In Bob Herbert’s artical “Hounding the Innocent” he shares the stiticts of “45,000 people but more over “…total number of arrests made…was less then 10,000.” So if they would of done these random searches their could have been 10,000 people with something illegal roaming the city. Although this may have already caught you eye it is a fact that business loose 1/3 of their profit to shoplifters.

28. For instance, In my opinion, at times for a store it is ok to profile someone, and what I really mean is that if someone comes into a store with baggy clothes, looks suspicious, and is walking around looking at things clearly. Well then, yeah I would be paying much more attention to that person, than a nice lady who comes in to buy something.

29. First off shop lifting is super bad for business. The “retail industry loses over 31.3 billion dollars every year.” Losing all this money could reslut in dept. stores in the mall buy a certain amount of money for renting the space there store is it there consistly losing money and dont end up having enough for rent they go out of business.

30. From personal experiences such as watching my brother-in-law be racially profiled, Susy’s encounter with profiling, and Bob Herbert’s “Hounding the Innocent” are all clear example of why exploding a single ethnic group is wrong.

31. 10 Words to Stop Misspelling

39. Your correct usage of this word will determine whether or not we keep studying grammar.

41. I went to the store, then I went to school. I’d rather go to the store than go to school

42. Your Assignment • Revise your essays! • Can be typed or handwritten • Revise to include all of the missing elements in your first submission, especially proper introductions!! • PROOFREAD, PROOFREAD, PROOFREAD! • EVERYONE must submit a revised essay, regardless of your score • Due Monday, November 14th!