INTERNET INFIDELITY QCA 01November 2014

1. INTERNET INFIDELITY QCA 01November 2014

3. Introduction pornography is a generic word has existed from the ‘dawn of time’ not all pornography has a negative impact social networking sites not pornographic: yet they contribute to Internet Infidelity issue of pornography is another debate Internet Infidelity poses a serious challenge to couples and counsellors in the 21st c

4. Overview What is infidelity? What is internet (virtual) infidelity (InI) The attraction of InI InI and Cybersex Antecedents of InI Impact of InI on intimate relationships Therapeutic strategies Gender Issues Issues for self of Therapist

5. What is Infidelity? conjugal disloyalty: not keeping faith in an intimate relationship an ‘affair’ – emotional and/or sexual relationship with a third party a real life drama relatively easy to identify comes to a head: it is time limited poses a real threat to the relationship a greater degree of consensus among couples

6. Internet (virtual) Infidelity a relatively new phenomenon related to the abuse misuse of technology it is multifaceted and more complex not primarily about pornography poses an immense challenge to couples and therapists potential to become compulsive insidious, slow erosion of trust over time elicits surveillance and counter surveillance behaviours in the realm of fantasy and activated in cyberspace: not perceived as threatening?

7. Attraction of InI more acceptable more accessible -‘internet in your pocket’ more anonymous - secretive, less inhibition more affordable more ambiguous – difficulty in defining more approximation – to ‘affairs’ with less risk and harm minimization more accommodation- presentation of self [‘7 As’ – Hertleim, 2011]

10. Cybersex compulsive, ‘addictive’ behaviour excessive, out of control, obsessive, ego dystonic, health hazard more pervasive and all consuming different etiology accompanied by spiraling negative cycle of depression accompanied by sexual arousal and masturbation leads to labeling of offender – sick, pervert, addict, victim

11. Antecedents (etiology) of InI entertainment, recreation for Internet ‘surfers’ attraction of risk taking, experimentation compensation for poor communication, lack of conflict resolution skills in primary relationship split between boring, routine couple sex and risqué, adventuresome virtual sex internet intimacy – instant, intensive, less demanding challenge of intimacy vs isolation escape – anxiety, stress sexual exploration sexual dysfunctions aging and/or medical factors

12. Impact of InI on Intimate Relationdships secrecy and surveillance behaviours investment of time and energy altered levels of partner intimacy and sex impact on life style and routine spiraling emotional disconnection breakdown in boundaries challenge to implicit netiquette betrayal and breakdown of trust critical self comparisons threat to exclusivity

13. Warning Signs • altered sleep patterns • compulsion to log on; to respond • demand for added privacy • secretive and deceitful use of internet, cell phone etc • avoiding customary family responsibilities • envious of others who are logging on • unsuccessful attempts to cut down; broken promises • pre-occupation; obsessive thinking • change in content and costs in cell phone bills • the content in browser history • sudden change in individual’s behaviour towards partner

14. Therapeutic Goals A multifaceted approach that focuses on: • stopping the offending behaviour • exploring underlying dyadic mechanisms • investigating individual vulnerabilities • restoring emotional and erotic intimacy

16. 1.The Couples’ Narrative perceived reality and perspective – ‘how they construct their problem’ attention to layered subtitles, subplots- “what led to …., gave rise to …” online netiquette definition of online infidelity extent of internet use gender differences expected outcome of therapy

17. 2.Crisis Intervention reduce access – contracting filters, passwords modems -‘keeper of the computer’ ? surveillance urges eschew pathologizing deter emotive reactivity

18. 3. Systemic Intervention provide a safe space for collaboration and healing stabilize the relationship support for impacted partner – validation what led individual to ‘step outside the relationship’ co-construct a definition of fidelity assess levels of differentiation anxiety management boundaries, triangulation sexual differences prior infidelities trans-generational issues potential for positive use of internet

19. Individual Therapyfor both parties personal responsibility without flagellation triggers and skills to manage managing sexual urges and arousal cognitive restructuring acknowledge ambivalence managing feelings of loss addressing the ‘sexual split’ response to partner’s feelings relapse prevention integrity and apologies ongoing issues – social isolation, fear of real intimacy, sexual compulsions

20. Gender Issues varying computer skills and frequency of use different motivation different attitudes and perceptions occupational vulnerability variance in expectations of mental exclusivity peer influence

21. Issues for Self of Therapist lack of adequate training personal experience and exposure understanding of infidelity how he/she conceptualizes the clients’ problem gender issues diverse assessment of risk factors focus on ‘content’ not ‘process’

23. THANK YOU Karol Misso kmisso@bigpond.com