Infidelity

1. Infidelity “Experience is a hard teacher. She gives the test first, the lesson afterwards.” Anonymous

2. Infidelity • Infidelity • “the breaking of trust” “Infidelity occurs when one partner in a relationship continues to believe that the agreement to be faithful is still in force, while the other partner is secretly violating it.” (Lusterman, 1998)

3. Infidelity Testing for Emotional Bonds 1. Do you confide more to your friend than your mate/partner? 2. Do you discuss negative feelings or intimate details about your marriage/relationship? 3. Are you open with your mate/partner about the extent of your involvement with your friend? 4. Would you feel comfortable if your mate/partner heard your conversations with your friend?

4. Infidelity Testing for Emotional Bonds (continued) 5. Would you feel comfortable if your mate/partner saw a videotape of your meetings? 6. Are you aware of sexual tensions in this friendship? 7. Do you and your friend touch differently when your’re alone than in front of others? 8. Are you in love with your friend? (Glass, 1988)

5. Infidelity • Factors contributing to affairs: • not understanding what relational love is • inability to communicate feelings or needs • not having the verbal skills to solve problems together • not being able to accommodate to one another’s needs or interests • not really knowing the person (your partner) • not being able to cope with cultural or ethnic differences

6. Infidelity • Factors (continued) • unrealistic expectations about the nature of a committed relationship • disappointment that your mate has not grown in the same ways you have • sexual curiosity • emotional need (feeling lonely in the relationship and looking elsewhere) • sexual addiction

7. Infidelity • Factors (continued) • boredom • losing the sense of fun and excitement you once had as a couple • getting so caught up in life’s daily obligations that you lose sight of one another

8. Infidelity Five Types of Affairs 1. The conflict avoidance affair 2. The intimacy avoidance affair 3. The sexual addiction affair 4. The split self affair 5. Exit affairs (Brown, 1999)

9. Infidelity The Psychological Impact of the Affair • Loss of identity: “I no longer know who I am” • Loss of your sense of specialness: “I thought I meant something to you. Now I realize, I’m disposable” • Loss of self-respect for debasing yourself and forfeiting your basic values to win your partner back: “I’ll do anything to keep this relationship together” • Loss of self-respect for failing to acknowledge that you were wronged: “Why didn’t I draw the line?”

10. Infidelity • Loss of control over mind and body: “How do I turn my head off? How do I stop myself?” • Loss of your fundamental sense of order and justice in the universe: “The world no longer makes sense” • Loss of religious faith: “Why has ‘God’ forsaken me?” • Loss of connection with others: “Who can I confide in? Who’s there for me?” • Loss of a sense of purpose - even the will to live: “Sometimes when I’m driving home at night I think it would be easier to swerve off the road and end this agony” (Spring, 1996)

11. Infidelity References Brown, E. M. (1999). Affairs: A guide to working through the repercussions of infidelity. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass. Gordon, K. C., Baucom, D. H., & Snyder, D. K. (1999). The case of forgiveness in marital therapy. In M. E. McCullough, K. Pargament, & C. E. Thoresen (Eds.), Forgiveness: Theory, reseach, and practice (pp. 203-227). New York: Guilford. Lusterman, D. (1998). Infidelity: A survival guide. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger. Spring, J. A. (1996). After the affair: Healing the pain and rebuilding trust when a partner has been unfaithful. New York: HarperCollins.