The Conflict Cycle

1. The Conflict Cycle • This slide show presents Nick Long’s model for explaining why teachers and students engage in arguments and disciplinary battles • From: Behavior Advisor

2. Room 106 • Curtis, frustrated at his inadequate attempts to express his thoughts on paper, rips the page in half, wads it up into a ball, and throws it at the trash basket. It hits the rim and falls into the pail. He smiles with satisfaction and pulls out another sheet of paper on which to write. • Teacher (observable action to emotions): “Do that again, and it’ll be the last basket you ever throw.”With eyes down, • Curtis blows out a soft burst of air, shakes his head, and starts to write. • Teacher: “You arrogant little punk. If you’re gonna have ‘an attitude’, at least make it a good one.” • Curtis (In a soft, but sarcastic tone of voice): “Yeah, right.” • Teacher: “That’s five minutes off the start of your lunch period, puke.” • Curtis: “Like I care about it.” • Teacher: “Great. Then let’s make it 10 minutes with me before you head to lunch.” • Curtis: “Why? Do you want me to share my baloney sandwich with you?” • Teacher: “Not any more, because now you’re headed down to the Dean.” • Curtis (acting amazed): “For what?!” • Teacher: “For failing to show respect.”

3. Curtis shoves his books on the floor and walks out of class without the disciplinary referral form that is supposed to accompany him to the office. When confronted with a caustic “Where’s your pass?” by the adult hall monitor, he says “I’m headed to the Dean.” and continues walking. A security guard is summoned to track down Curtis who is found in the Dean’s office. • The Dean, whose favorite saying is, “I don’t take crap. I take charge!” is angered at the 3rd appearance this month of this student (despite the punishments previously administered...one night detention, 2 nights detention). He bases his disciplinary decision solely on the abbreviated reports of the teacher and hall monitor. Curtis’ version of events and pleas for understanding go unheard. He is assigned three days of after-school detention to “teach him a lesson” (again).

4. Self discipline isn’t taught in obedience school.

5. The Beatings Will ContinueUntil Morale Improves. • “Getting tough” with persistently defiant, non-compliant kids is counter productive. • These youngsters don’t succumb to coercion. • Rather, they are incited by it. • If our penalties are harsh and repeatedly applied, we might possibly be able to subdue the rebellion and create a non-motivated, withdrawn kid • Skilled, knowledgeable and caring teachers do what we’re paid to do: • Teach • Inspire • In order to promote positive behavior change and motivation, “tough” teachers must change their ways. While those ways work with 95% of the kids, it’s the 95% who don’t need to be treated in that manner in order to get them to behave. Their ways don’t work at all with the “difficult” 5%. In fact, their coercive interventions make things worse. However, it’s hard to convince negative teachers of the faults of their ways. They commonly respond with:

6. What ?!Me Change?! THEY’RE the problem. (not me).

7. With respect to nasty-tempered teachers, the words of Pogo (a cartoon character) come to mind: • We have met the enemy; • And it is us! • When teachers attempt to overpower a kid who has defeated more powerful adversaries, they fight a losing battle. • These teachers create the very conflict about which they complain.

8. Conflict in the Classroom • Given that “no nonsense” teachers tend to view defiant students as the enemy, let us for the moment, talk in their terms. • If one is “fighting” an enemy, it is best to gather information about them in order to increase one’s chances of success.

9. The Conflict Cycle • Dr. Nick Long, a senior statesman in our field of students with behavior disorders, developed a model to explain why teachers and students get into battles. • While the diagram is used primarily with respect to students with disabilities in making appropriate behavior choices, you will probably find it to be applicable to most situations in which individuals engage in arguments.

10. An explanation of the diagram can be found on the slides that follow.

11. What do you bring to the table? • The top rectangular box refers to the self image (how one sees oneself and the personal traits that we see in ourselves) and self esteem (how highly or lowly one perceives oneself…The extent to which someone likes himself or herself). • The second rectangular box refers to inaccurate beliefs that one holds about the world and the people in it. These perceptions develop from our experiences and what we have heard from important others, the media, etcetera. Examples:“All people of that religious group are…” “Those kids from that housing project are all…” “Teachers are all…” “No one will ever love me.” • Our sense of self and our experiences influence how we perceive events and the actions of others. “Odd” reactions, “strange” behavior, and “weird” actions reflect a difference between the experiences of the person being described and the person doing the describing.

12. Behind the Behavior • Students who persistently display behavior that is “unacceptable” and “inappropriate” in our schools, are revealing their “life space” (what they have experienced and learned about life so far). • “No nonsense”, “tough”, and “mean” teachers blame the victim for the “crime”. Children have no choice as to the homes into which they are born. They do not choose their parents. They have little control over the things that will influence them in their young lives. They are a product of their environments. Teachers who view these youngsters as “the enemy” and “attack” them with negative words, punishments, and rejection further ingrain the unfortunate self images and life views that the student presently holds. • Caring and skilled educational professionals help these kids to develop positive self images, accurate life views (such as “Not all teachers are mean…just a lot of them. Some are nice, so I ought to give each new teacher I meet a chance to prove themselves as worthy of my trust and compliance.”), better interpretations of events, and more appropriate ways of behaving. • We’ll look more in-depth at these two rectangular boxes in the Conflict Cycle diagram in later slides.

13. Sucked Down Into The Whirlpool • The four connected circles in the lower part of the Conflict Cycle diagram represent the events in an escalating battle that are readily apparent and observable (unlike the self assessment and world views found in the rectangular boxes). • In the top circle, the student experiences a stressful incident frustration in trying to meet a goal, rejection by others). The level of the stress is dependent on the student’s self image and interpretation of events (the items in the rectangular boxes at the top of the diagram). To the teacher, the event may seem innocuous, but that assessment on our part results because we are looking at the event from our perspective. The student views that event from a very different perch on the tree of life.

14. Flushed • The stress will cause emotions to well up (the circle on the right side of the diagram). Perhaps the student feels anger, fear, anxiety, intrigue/interest, sadness, or sulks in self pity or self hatred. • If the emotions overwhelm the student’s ability to contain and manage them, an observable behavior (the lower bubble on the cycle diagram) will burst out. We might witness crying, hitting oneself or another, running away, verbal insults toward oneself or others, cursing, or other behavior. The behavior might increase in magnitude as the youngster continues to reflect on the incident (perhaps “inaccurately” in our minds) and emotions continue to build. • Upon witnessing the “inappropriate” action, the adult responds (even ignoring or not noticing is a response). • Competent and concerned teachers will respond in a manner that then reduces the stress (as we move up to the top circle), soothes the emotions, and subdues the behavior. • Teachers who brag that “I don’t put up with any crap from kids.” react in harsh ways that heighten the stress on the student, intensify the emotions, and increase the observable behaviors.

15. Making Sense of What Happened • Read a somewhat modified version of the page containing the “Curtis” script. Label where the various parts of the conflict cycle come into play. Click here for the script. • When finished, list various reasons that teachers sometimes have a “short fuse” (become irritated) on certain days or in certain situations with certain kids. What things influence our perceptions and reactions?

16. Behind the Facade • Despite what was said to Dorothy and her escorts by the enormous, fiery, angry head of the Wizard of Oz… • DO pay attention to the man behind the curtain! • Attempt to understand the factors that have influenced this student’s behavioral pattern. (For those nasty-tempered teachers who can’t stop being mean, keep thinking “reconnaissance on the enemy” until you come to better understand human behavior and are ready to become more effective with “tough” kids.

17. Tabla Rosa

18. Rousseau, Freud, God, and others • Whether you believe that we are born “tabla rosa” (“blank slate”, waiting for society to write upon you), inherently evil (as per Freud’s view and the Bible’s view based on “original sin”), or inherently good (Right now, I can’t think of any names to go with this view), the massive influence of society (parents, teachers, influential others, media) on who one becomes (loyal, friendly, trustworthy, and cooperative versus disloyal, manipulative, untrustworthy, and uncooperative) is a belief that the viewpoints hold in common. • Kids become who they are “trained” to be (systematically or haphazardly so; via informed positive guidance or by parents badly “winging it” due to incompetence/misinformation/lack of information).

19. Predictability in one’s environment, combined with consistently calm and supportive adult guidance, gives children emotional comfort and psychological security in a world that can seem random and/or threatening. • The further the distance from that style of upbringing, the less kids are able to trust others. • Kids who did not experience calm, supportive guidance from adults in their lives, will test each new authority figure to see if s/he is deserving of their trust and allegiance (Hoping, against the history of past experiences, that this adult will be their “guiding light”). Few adults are able to pass the rigorous tests they are given.

20. In the beginning… Life at home • Let it be said here and now that there are wonderful, loving, skilled parents who have kids who have developed inappropriate behavior patterns for reasons other than incompetent or wrongly directed parenting practices. • Let it also be said that among kids with behavioral and/or emotional disorders, there is an unusually high occurrence of disorganized and wrongly-practiced parenting. • The following slides provide some examples.

21. Many Kids Have Low Self Esteem & Negative Self Concepts Due To? (Top rectangle in Cycle) • Rotten childhoods filled with negative experiences. • Abuse, neglect, and/or consistent messages of rejection. • Inconsistently due to multiple care-takers using very different practices, and/or giving very different messages. • Inconsistent caretaking from primary adults who are: • alcoholic/substance addicted • mentally ill (unmanaged) • manic-depressive (unmanaged) • negatively oriented authoritarian personalities • incompetent due to lack of childrearing knowledge.

22. Reiterated negative labels & messages: • “You rude little son of a b----. When I catch you, I’ll…” • “You little criminal. You’re going to end up dead or in jail someday.” • “Man, you’re strange.” • “Why don’t you use your head once in a while? Stupid.” • “What’s wrong with you, anyway? Get outta my face before I…” • “You little loser. Why can’t you be like Fran?” • “You evil little beast! I’ll beat the devil out of you!” • Client to psychologist friend of mine when the parent was asked what he does when his 10 year old son acts up: “I tell him he’s an a- -h-le.”

23. Due to those painful or unpredictable childhood experiences, “irrational” beliefs form about oneself & others(2nd rectangle in the Cycle) • Based on their inconsistent and/or negative history of happenings, they interpret happenings differently than most people. • They view those events through a distorted lens (as is explained on the next slide). • Their (re)actions reflect those misperceptions.Waco.

24. The Perceptions That Might Develop From Maltreatment, Neglect, Rejection • “My parents treated me badly.”(Fact) • “I can’t count on my parents to care for • me or treat me well.”(Fact) • “I was treated badly because I am a bad person. Because I’m ‘BAD’, no one could ever like me, care for me, or treat me well.”(Distortedbelief) • “You say that you want to help me, but I know adults… When I show you why I’m not likeable, you’ll quicklyreject and hurt me like my parents(and past teachers). • (Identity and reaction pattern become further ingrained~) • You say you’re different…While I hope that is true, • you’ll have toPROVE IT!” • (over & over again as I seek reassurance that you really are different).

25. With regard to kids who’ve heard consistently negative messages: • Our task is to help them • develop accurate and useful perceptions • exhibit prosocial behaviors when under stress. • Kids who have had painful lives need adults who refuse to inflict more emotional harm.Kids who have experienced confusion in their young lives need organized, stable, and supportive adults. • If we de-value kids, they separate from us. Domination tactics backfire as injured kids strike out in order to protect their fragile sense of self from further harm. If “getting tough” works, why do we still have defiant kids? • All kids need and deserve long-term exposure to “pole star” adults who demonstrate predictable and assertive responses wrapped in calm, unswervingly supportive emotional displays.

26. What Can We Do To Win Over Defiant Youngsters? • Establish personal connections.(308 NYC BD) • Human nature: We are more motivated to do things for those for whom we hold respect and affection. • Promote achievement/Ensure progress. • The desire to continue in a pursuit requires that one see oneself as proficient, or making progress. (driving test repeated failure) • Modify material and assignments to meet special needs. • Create a “safe” environment for individuals with a “failure identity” who will otherwise resist trying new things. (Eskimo roll) • Teach the behaviors we want to see • Appropriate (re)actions & behavior choices, like academics, are learned. • We often need to teach correct behavior to those aren’t yet displaying it. • We may need to teach how to interpret happenings & handle feelings.

27. How do we establish positive personal connections with our students? • Give them “the time of day”. • Develop a history of positive interactions. • Make sure that the first contact of the day or period is a positive one. • Make sure that the last contact of the day is a positive one. • Remain consistently supportive and encouraging, even when needing to administer penalties. • “You made a mistake in judgment, but they are further and farther between. I’m sure that the future will bring even more good choices.” • Find the little bit of positive inside an inappropriate action. • “I admire your loyalty to friends. However, it is not OK to pummel others on their behalf.” • “Even though you refused the direction, I want to thank you for doing it with acceptable words. That shows maturity. However, ...”

28. How do we promote self control? • Social skills instruction. • Teach reflective thinking. • “Stop-think-choose” (see the link on this site’s home page titled “Problem solving”) . • Problem solving (see the link on this site’s home page) . • Self monitoring (see the link on this site’s home page) . • Anger management/replacement training. • Differential reinforcement procedures (see the link on this site’s home page) . • Personalized check-ins with supportive adult(s). • Other ideas from www.BehaviorAdvisor.com & “The Behavior Survival Guide for Kids:How to make good choices and stay out of trouble” (McIntyre, Free Spirit Press).

29. How do we promote academic achievement? • Modify materials and presentation. • Ensure understanding by asking the student to repeat the directions in own words. • Check in early with the student to assure. understanding and task engagement. • Relate material to the student’s life & interests. • Promote motivation by: • Focusing on effort rather than accuracy • Reminiscing about earlier successes resulting from effort. • Assign peer helpers/cross age tutors.

30. An activity that illustrates the Cycle: • Rent a DVD or video tape of “The Breakfast Club” movie (Circa 1982). • Watch the scene in which the students in the library detention engage in arguments with each other (a peer example of the Conflict Cycle). Watch it for ten or fifteen minutes as the adult enters into the fray, causing the students to bond together to fight against him (Old Middle Eastern saying: “The enemy of my enemy is my friend”). Watch as a hero arises from the masses to confront the bully (the adult). Watch until the adult prepares to leave the library after engaging in an escalating battle with the kid in the leather coat. (You might want to stop the movie before the adult gets to the library exit because as he is walking out, the kid yells the “F” word.)

31. Suggestions for “The Dean of Discipline” in “The Breakfast Club” Video: • Devise a plan before entering or while waiting in doorway. • Avoid “Why” questions (especially when in an agitated state) • (see the link on this site titled “Nice ways to build self-discipline). • Use respectful phrasing and voice tone • see the link on this site titled “Nice ways to build self-discipline). • Talk with the suspect privately. • Find a “Plan B”: Open the other door or wedge a chair to partially open the door that won’t stay open. • Offer a choice: “When I return in 3 minutes, this door will have to be in working order again , or… • -I’ll have to sit in here with you.” • -We’ll be leaving 15 minutes later than scheduled.

32. To make a long story short.(Too late?) “Difficult kids”: • Have an ingrained behavior patterns that become more so with rejection by significant adults (including educators) • They often project a “hardened” image to those who would help them in order to fend off more emotional hurt (from rejection by someone they start to trust) • Punishing these youngsters strengthens their negative world view. • It takes highly skilled, emotionally secure, caring, and resilient professionals to “reach” these youngsters. • The most “hardened” of kids are the most in need of the guidance of an “iron hand in a velvet glove”. Firmness and strength underlie the “soft” touch. • The glove must remain on the behavior management hand at all times.

33. Stretch Your Brain • Do you have your brain wrapped around the model? • If so, it’s time to bend it into another shape. • This show talked about the student’s conflict cycle. However, it takes two to tangle…er, I mean tango. The teacher also has a conflict cycle going. • Your task: Draw a blank, unlabeled Conflict Cycle diagram. Then fill in the boxes and circles as they pertain to your “Do Now” activity from slide #3. • Hint: The top circle in the diagram will have “student’s unacceptable behavior” as the stressor.