Wild At Heart Chapter 4

1. Wild At Heart Chapter 4 • The Wound • Every boy in his journey to become a man, takes an arrow in the center of his heart, in the place of his strength. Because the wound is rarely discussed and even more rarely healed. Every man carries a wound. • And the wound is nearly always given by his father.

2. A Man’s Deepest question. (60-61) • Sam’s rock climbing story-61-62 • Male sport “shop talk” • It’s our way of affirming each other without looking like we are affirming. Men rarely praise each other directly. • It’s not a question, it’s the question- Do I have what it takes? Am I powerful? • Until a man knows he’s a man he will forever be trying to prove he is one

3. Where does masculinity come from? • Masculinity is bestowed • A boy learns who he is and what he’s got from a man, or the company of men. • He cannot learn it from other boys • The plan from the beginning of time was that his father would lay a foundation for a young boy’s heart, and pass on to him that essential knowledge and confidence in his strength

4. Dad would be the most important man in a boy’s life. He would answer his question and give him his name (blessing). • Scriptural Fathers and sons • Adam receives his name from God and is given the power of naming. He names all of creation. • Abraham names Isaac Jacob and Esau crave Isaac’s blessing • Jesus is given His father’s blessing Luke 3:22

5. Rachel Ben-Oni- Jacob-Benjamin • It is a critical move, when a boy draws his identity no longer from his mother, but from his father • The father needs to actively intervene

6. Mother’s and Sons (63-64) • For the first years the Mother is the center of the son’s universe • Mama’s little sweetheart…. • A boy can not grow into manhood with a name like that. • A boy will shift his gaze to the father and will want to wrestle, play catch, work in the garage. Dad’s return home is celebrated

7. Femininity can never bestow masculinity • Sweet heart/Tiger which way will a boy head? • Turns to Mother for comfort and Dad for adventure, to test his strength, answer his question • John car story (64) • If a mother will not allow her son to become dangerous, if she does not let the father take him away she will emasculate him.

8. “A Perfect World story”

9. From Strength to Strength(66-68) • Masculinity is an essence • The traditional way of raising sons • John’s fishing story • The fish were never the important thing, it was the delight, the contact, the masculine presence being bestowed on me • Men and their father’s • What did your dad teach you?

10. In these stories, what is mostly passed on is the masculine blessing. • Tribal cultures Fathers and sons • Johns wrestling/bloody lip story (67) • The ancient societies believed that a boy becomes a man only through ritual and effort- only through the active intervention of older men. • A mother’s involvement can be an integral part of this process.

11. The father is key to answering the question and bestowing masculinity on his son. • That is why the deepest wound is almost always given by the father.

12. The Father-wound (69-71) • Dave’s Story 69 • Charles’ Story 69 • Depression story 70 • Craig’s seagull story • Violent fathers-Am I man? • No you are a mama’s boy, a faggot, a seagull. Defining sentences that shape a man’s life.

13. One thing about assault wounds (verbal physical, or sexual abuse) they are obvious. • Passive wounds are not, they are subtle, they often go unrecognized as wounds and therefore are actualy more difficult to heal. • John’s father-wound • Not receiving a blessing from your father is a wound

14. Not seeing your father when you are young, never being with your father, a remote father, an absent father, a workaholic father is a wound • Alex’s father 71 • Stuart’s father • Divorce or abandonment is a wound that lingers because the boy (or girl) believes if they had done things better, Daddy would have stayed.

15. Silent Fathers wound their sons • The silence is deafening • Silent father provide a wound that no one could see or understand • Do I have what it takes? Am I a man Daddy? • Silent fathers silence= I don’t know, I doubt it, you’ll have to find out for yourself, probably not.

16. The Wound’s effect 72-75 • Every man carries a wound • Every wound whether it’s assaultive or passive, delivers a message. The message feels final and true, absolutely true because it is delivered with such force. • John’s reaction to his wound 72 • “Becoming a Christian doesn’t necessarily fix things. My arrows were still lodged deep and refused to allow some angry wounds inside to heal” Brent Curtis

17. The driven man 72-73 • The casualties of a driven man and it’s effect on others • Stan’s story 73 • The two basic reactions to a man’s wound • They either overcompensate for it and become driven (violent) men • Or they shrink back and go passive (retreating men). • Often its an odd mixture of both. College age man with goatee and backwards baseball hat

18. Alex’s story continued 74 • Charles’ story continued 74 • Dave’s story continued • Stuart’s story continued • The wound comes, and with it is a message. From that place aboy makes a vow, chooses a way of life that gives rise to the false self (poser) • Next time more on what happens to a man after the wound is given • Chapter 5 -“The battle for a man’s heart”