More Personal Statement Goodness

1. More Personal Statement Goodness Feraco Myth to Sci-Fi/SFHP 30 September 2011

2. We’ve Emphasized the Following • You’re writing the personal essay for the readers’ benefit, not your own • The personal essay serves a very specific purpose • It’s meant to convince a reader to advocate for your admission • You will convince the reader to fight for you if you display interesting qualities/potential in the context of a well-written and compelling narrative frame • Not the same as writing a pure narrative! • This means you need an idea whose discussion lets you do all of the above

3. The Next Steps • Remember, it’s possible to produce a good piece of writing that doubles as a terrible personal statement • Good writing can exist in a vacuum; the personal statement is the literary equivalent of pressing a button • “Do it correctly,” and the button goes in; “do it incorrectly,” and you stand there looking foolish • Of course, there isn’t any one way to “do it correctly” • It’s more a matter of knowing what to emphasize and what to avoid

4. Mad Libs • Before you get too far into your personal statement, fill in the blanks in the following • “I’ve already checked (your name here)’s transcript, reviewed their awards and activities…(and/but) now that I’ve read (your name here)’s statement, I can see he/she is ________________, ________________, and ________________.” • But don’t just think of three good qualities!

5. The Traits Should Be… • Positive: This paper is not a story about how you will atone for your past wrongs. • If past wrongs enter the equation, they only do so in order to leave you in a position of strength before you finish the paper.

6. The Traits Should Be… • Unique: It stands to reason that the vast majority of college applicants can reasonably claim to be “responsible,” “hard-working,” and so forth. • Which traits can you highlight that a) make you seem compelling, b) accurately reflect you, and c) leave a distinct, unique impression? • Specific: Saying you’re good at working with people is fine; offering proof that you’re uncommonly good at building coalitions is better.

7. The Traits Should Be… • Finally, the traits you choose to emphasize must be…well, chosen • You must figure out how you want to portray yourself. • These readers will never see your face or your wardrobe, never hear your voice or your laugh, never observe your interactions with your peers and elders. • They have a blank slate, and there’s a limit to the amount of detail they can lay down on that slate before they have to make a choice regarding your candidacy (no matter how many words you write).

8. Chosen? • I will write one kind of essay if I want to show I’m passionate, open to new experiences, and politically active/engaged. • I will write a very different kind of essay if I want to show I’m thoughtful, good at bridging ideological divisions, and detail-oriented. • I may be all of these things. • But I may not be able to put all of them in the same paper without coming across badly. • So carefully consider what you want those readers to draw on that blank slate while you plan what to write.

9. First Paragraph • Those qualities will relate to the narrative frame you chose; in fact, they’ll dictate which incidents from your life you’ll end up including. • Your first paragraph establishes the idea and tone for the rest of the paper; you put those here so the reader can make the “two-minute snap” judgment we discussed last time • The idea is your response to the prompt – for UC #1, it’s about how your world shaped your dreams and aspirations (“I will teach because I have learned why teachers matter – and how badly children need good ones who care.”)

10. Body Paragraphs • Your body paragraphs flesh out the idea while maintaining your tone. They do so by providing example after example that build on each other to create momentum and credibility • All examples relate to the idea and qualities you want to display!! • These examples don’t just emphasize your idea: use them to display the characteristics you want readers to see in you without baldly stating them.

11. Two Birds, One Stone • “I earned playing time in close games by studying and sleeping earlier, replacing my animal-style In’n’Out Burgers with lemon chicken and salads, and sinking fifteen consecutive free throws before leaving each practice” reveals some admirable traits (goal-oriented, driven, follows intelligent processes, prioritizes, “earns”) while being more memorable than a simple declaration of those traits • Ideally, you write well enough that your reader gets the hints – that they can infer what you’re refraining from spelling out too obviously • But that’s key in a word-capped essay: you don’t have room for separate passages for descriptions/examples and qualities, so you smash them together and kill two birds with one stone

12. Conclusion • Your last paragraph concludes everything. I • nstead of summarizing what came before, broaden your perspective; now that the reader’s seen your examples, you can make more declarative, concrete, and confident statements than you could before with no additional explanation necessary. • “I will honor them by building on their work – by reaching out to the lost ones, feeding the hungry ones, consoling the sad ones, and teaching each and every one who walks under their words and through my door.” • I don’t have to say what their “work” was, or which words I posted above my door – that’s why I put them in my body-paragraph examples. • Endings work better when they end, not when they provide another Star Wars-esque exposition crawl.

13. The Example • What follows is a personal statement from a Myth/Sci-Fi student two years ago • This was either the third or fourth draft of what eventually become a six-draft statement • My e-mail to him: “The underlined passages are where I’d suggest editing the piece, and while they don’t address every issue, I feel they’ll suffice. If you have any questions about a suggestion, or need help figuring out how to do what I’m encouraging you to do, please let me know. (Your ending has nice qualities, so even though it’s rife with “to be” verbs, I left it alone.)”

14. Broken notes filled the air as I navigated the halls and rooms of the testing center. Several students exited different testing rooms looking upset and dejected and as I passed more of these students, I grew increasingly nervous. Those broken notes soon trickled away and I had gradually begun to regain my confidence when, to my dismay, music starting flowing smoothly and effortlessly from the very room I was about to perform in. I could not possibly be as good as that student. Knees shaking and heart racing, I entered what would spell my inevitable demise, my first Certificate of Merit piano test. Little did I know however, what I thought would crush me, ultimately helped me grow in ways I never would have thought possible.

15. As a shy and timid ten year old, the prospect of a piano test frightened me. The idea of isolating myself in a room for half an hour with a complete stranger eyeing my every move seemed terrifying. The test would be held at Cal Poly Pomona and my teacher planned for me to start my first test at level six. This alarmed me. Even my older brother, who was a far better and talented pianist, had started at a lower level. The pieces I was required to play looked foreign in every aspect and as I painfully practiced day after day, my stubby fingers struggled to keep up. I convinced myself that I was doomed for failure.

16. On test day however, I found even more reason to worry. My examiner appeared old, unforgiving, and perfectly willing to fail me if even given the slightest incentive. Carefully I gave him my sheet music and told him the order I would be playing them in. I anxiously approached the piano bench. My heart rate instantly jumped and I could feel myself shaking, but I refused to let my anxiety hinder me. I swallowed my fear of the austere looking examiner, confidently placed my hands on the piano… and ended up playing the wrong piece. I had momentarily forgotten the order in which I had told the examiner I would be playing my pieces. This did not amuse my examiner. I restarted my piece, and slowly made my way through my exam. That was one of the worst experiences I had ever been through.

17. The following months were excruciating. Every week I met with my piano teacher I was sure she would tell me I had failed my exam. Yet on one Saturday afternoon, I was greeted by my teacher with a smile and a certificate that said I had passed. Elated, I celebrated my achievement, knowing I had struggled through hours of nerve-racking practice. I felt an immense pride within me; however a thought eclipsed my happiness. I would have to do this all again next year.

18. Subsequent years proved difficult. Piecesgrew increasingly complex, and the music theory and technique expected from me grew increasingly complicated. Yet, after reaching the advanced level my experiences have instilled within me a confidence I had never felt before. As a shy young boy I would have crumbled under the pressure, but as my musical knowledge grew, so too did my persistence.

19. Now that I am a senior bound for college, I realize the significance of my experiences. What is life but an extensive piano exam? The real world is full of tasks and trials, as are the standards of each piano level, and along the way we are endlessly judged and examined by others on our ability to perform. I realize now that to be successful is to be able to perform under the least desirable circumstances, to expand our limitations through practice, and to conquer our fears with courage.

20. What’s good about it? Why did I underline certain portions? • Practice by editing and re-writing this piece: see whether you can get used to chopping up and remixing something you’re not so attached to before trying to do the same to your own • Next week, we’ll go over to-be verbs, expletives, passive voice, and direct writing techniques; make sure you work those into your drafts before you bring them in next Wednesday!