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Lecture 5c

FROM C.O.N.T.R.O.L TALK. Lecture 5c. The Basic Language form of C.O.N.T.R.O.L. Talk. Is the “You” message or “You are” message. Basis of Heavy C.O.N.T.R.O.L. Put the words “you are” in a sentence and everyone takes the next words personally.

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Lecture 5c

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  1. FROM C.O.N.T.R.O.L TALK Lecture 5c

  2. The Basic Language form of C.O.N.T.R.O.L. Talk • Is the “You” message or “You are” message. • Basis of Heavy C.O.N.T.R.O.L. • Put the words “you are” in a sentence and everyone takes the next words personally. • Can’t help it. Use verb “to be” - unshakable connection subject and objective. Go straight to the other’s inner self. • You’re talking about the other’s inner you • “You are terrific” and “You are a jerk.” same effect on other - both taken very personally. • Most problematic phrase in our language

  3. TO D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E TALK Lecture 5c

  4. C.O.N.T.R.O.L. AND “GOOD INFORMATION” • HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L. ELIMINATES GOOD INFORMATION • FORCES SELF-DEFENSE • NOT “GOOD” INFORMATION AS DEFINED • ABOUT BEING RIGHT AND PERSONAL JUDGEMENT • NOT “GOOD” INFORMATION AS DEFINED

  5. EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION AND GOOD INFORMATION • D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. SUPPORTS THE EXCHANGE OF GOOD INFORMATION • REMEMBER • “GOOD”MEANS TRUTHFUL, ACCURATE, RELEVANT, UNDERSTANDABLE • SO PEOPLE CAN BOTH CAN MAKE AN INFORMED CHOICE • AND ACT FROM COMMITMENT NOT COERCION OR MANIPULATION

  6. CHOICE REFLEX SELF- MGT. D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. TALK SOLVE PROBLEM UNDERSTANDING COMPLIANCE WITHDRAWAL AGREEMENT COMPROMISE COLLABORATION COMMITMENT THREE TYPES OF TALK CONNECT TALK PROBLEM C.O.N.T.R.O.L. TALK BE RIGHT JUDGEMENT LIGHT HEAVY

  7. GETTING TO D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. • Understand First - suspend judgment • Emotional Self-Management - hot to cool feelings • Your choice?

  8. GETTING TO D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. • Understand First - suspend judgment • Means comes down the inference ladder • From judgment back down to the data • Notice what’s going on (or has just happened) in the “here and now”

  9. TO COME DOWN THE INFERENCE LADDER • Emotional Self-Regulation • Hot to cool feelings • Calm yourself; emotional self-soothing • Leave the situation for a moment, if you can • Don’t rehearse distress-maintaining reactions • Get control of your breathing • If you can, relax your body

  10. Solve problem not save face - I manage myself not other We both have to change My story is my story - obvious only to me You have your story - obvious only to you I have all the data only when I listen to your story I clarify my meaning only How did we contribute to this situation? ASSUMPTIONS OF D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E.

  11. STYLE ELEMENTS OF D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. • Description - communicate valid info • I-messages - own your story • Asking questions - 4W2H • Listening actively -show empathy • Open acknowledgement - 4 kinds • Genuine support - affirm, feedback • Understand First - suspend judgment • Emotional Self-Management -hot to cool

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