The College Disease Guide

1. The College Disease Guide • Created by Scott Teigland • Resident Assistant at Carroll University

2. The College Disease Guide I have assembled a list of the most common diseases I have noticed that are affecting college kids across the country. I have put together this list in hopes of helping to cure all of these diseases. My expertise as an RA has helped me to establish a list of the diseases, their symptoms, prevention, and treatment for all of the diseases mentioned. If you have any questions regarding these diseases please seek immediate assistance for clarification. I promise if your follow the prevention and treatment steps any symptoms you have will be cured!!!

3. Broke-Assness • Symptoms • You can sit on your wallet and not know its there • Someone could steal your wallet and your only worry is losing a condom and picture of your grandma • Prevention • Don’t exceed credit limits • Always tell your mom you love her • Keep and eye on who is in your room • Treatment • Get you a J.O.B. so you can be I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.T. • Cut up you credit cards

4. The Munchies • Symptoms • Extreme fiscal loss to the nearest vending machine • Extreme hunger for weird foods • EX: 3 bags of cheetos, 47 pizza rolls, 3 liters of soda • Prevention • Don’t smoke illegal substances • Treatment • Same as above

5. WFD (Wet Floor Disorder) • Symptoms • All electronic devices no longer work • Dry bed is now water bed • Books are no longer readable • Prevention • Don’t hang things from the water pipes • Don’t smoke in the room • Treatment • One really LARGE bill from housing department • All new personal property paid for by YOU

6. Burglaritis • Symptoms • Your stuff is no longer yours • You see someone listening to what used to be your IPOD • Prevention • Lock your doors • Don’t show off expensive items • Don’t lend out your keys • Report lost keys IMEDIATELY • Treatment • Cry to your parents • Call insurance agent • Buy new stuff (expensive) • Report to Public Safety(542-7300)

7. “Stuck-Butt” • Symptoms • Wet butt • You find yourself sitting at a peculiar, lower position on the toilet • Public embarrassment • Prevention • Check to make sure the toilet seat is down • Put the seat back down if you are scared to pee at a urinal • Treatment • Dry off your bottom

8. Hangover • Symptoms • Memory loss • Head ache • Dehydration • Awkward mornings • Vomit • Loss of teeth • Prevention • DON’T GET DRUNK • Treatment • See above prevention

9. Drunkensia • Symptoms • Slurred speech, stupid decisions, vomiting, incoherent speech, vomiting, not so stable balance, vomiting, puking, blow chunks, and random narcolepsy (see picture) • Prevention • DON’T GET DRUNK • Treatment • Same as above

10. Sexually Transmitted Diseases • Symptoms • Burning urination, red bumps, green puss, warts in the wrong places • Prevention • If she looks nasty… she’s nasty • Wear a condom • Just say no to unsafe sex • Don’t have intoxicated sex • Treatment • Seek medical assistance, some are curable by antibiotics

11. Anti-Academia • Symptoms • Papers with and “F” at the top and your name isn’t Frank • Missing 8:00 classes • Upset parents • Academic probation • Repeating classes • Prevention • Don’t party more than you study • Treatment • Study a little each day, but take breaks • Get a tutor, go to the learning commons, seek the Walter Young Center • Study with friends in a group

12. Reverse Attentiveness • Symptoms • Falling asleep in class • Late night video game sessions • You know every song on every Rock Band game • You dream about C.O.D, W.O.W, DDR or any other acronymed video game • Prevention • Play video games as a break from studying, don’t study as a break from video games • Treatment • Destroy all video games systems

13. “Bumpty” • Symptoms • You look like what you did at 3 am when you were sleeping • PJs in the class room • Unbrushed hair or teeth • Prevention • Have friends who care about you • Care about yourself • Treatment • Pay close attention to the 3 S’s- s***, shower, and shave • Buy and tooth brush and use it • Wake up 15 minutes earlier

14. Cluelessness • Symptoms • The only news anchors you know are Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert • Your computer homepage is facebook • Your parents can know what you have done for the last 24 hours and they haven’t talked to you in 3 weeks • You have no classes before 8 am or after 2 pm or on Wednesday or Friday • You believe no one else in the world can text while driving better than you. Also, that no one else should be allowed to talk on the phone while driving, but you • Prevention • There is none • Treatment • Grow up and be boring