Chapter 12

1. Managing Conflict Chapter 12

2. What is Conflict? • Components of the definition of conflict • Expressed Struggle • Parties involved must know there is some type of disagreement for conflict to exist • If I don't know that you are upset I won't perceive conflict • Perceived Incompatible Goals • All conflicts look as if one person’s gain would be another’s loss • If your neighbor has music at full blast & you want to sleep is there a way for both of you to win

3. What is Conflict? • Components of the definition of conflict • Perceived Scarce Rewards • Conflicts may exist when we believe there isn’t enough of something to go around • Affection, Money, Space, etc • What are things that may create conflict with you, Why/How? • Interdependence • Conflicting people rely on one another • Welfare and satisfaction of one depends on others actions • If you’re music is too loud and I want to sleep, am I dependent on you?

4. What is Conflict? • Components of the definition of conflict • Inevitability • Conflicts are bound to happen, even in the best of relationships • Challenge is to handle the conflicts • People perceive them and manage them in different ways • Unhappy couples argue to try and reach a resolution • Satisfied couples handle conflicts more effectively, although they still may argue it is more problem oriented

5. What is Conflict? • Conflict: Fight or Flight? • What is your personal attitude toward conflict? • Is it good, bad, necessary, unnecessary, etc? • Reasons for taking a constructive approach to conflict? • Effective means to mutual resolution • Increase strength and security of relationships

6. Functional and Dysfunctional Conflicts • Functional – • Achieve the best possible outcome, even strengthen the relationship • Dysfunctional – • Outcomes fall short of what is possible & may damage the relationship

7. Functional and Dysfunctional Conflicts • Functional vs. Dysfunctional Approaches • Positive functional behaviors & negative dysfunctional behaviors. • Integration vs. Polarization • Integration – • Recognizing other person is in the difficult situation with you, • They’re not “bad” or “good” but need to help you resolve conflict • Polarization – • Viewing other person as opposite, • Good vs bad, protective vs aggressive, trustworthy vs sneaky

8. Functional and Dysfunctional Conflicts • Cooperation vs. Opposition • Cooperation – Working constructively with other party • May bring answer that leaves everyone happy • Opposition – Prevents seeking a solution that satisfies both • “If you win, I lose” (Opposition people seldom give in) • Confirmation vs. Disconfirmation • Confirmation – Treating conflicting individual with care/value • Describe messages that convey value in other person • Disconfirmation – Negative interaction with conflicting individual • Lack of regard “I don’t care about you” • Makes working towards a resolution difficult

9. Functional and Dysfunctional Conflicts • Agreement vs. Coercion • Agreement • Resolving conflicts by agreeing on the terms on which it is resolved • Coercion - “Do it my way, or else” • In destructive conflicts, participants rely heavily on coercion to get what they want. This tactic doesn’t do much for relationship strength

10. Functional and Dysfunctional Conflicts • De-escalation vs. Escalation • De-escalation • When participants solve more problems than they create • Escalation – One cause is Defensive reciprocation • When problems seem to grow larger instead of smaller in conflict

11. Functional and Dysfunctional Conflicts • Focusing vs. Drifting • Focusing – Staying on the conflict topic • Sticking to the conflict topic and resolving it before moving on • Drifting – Moving away from the conflict topic • Bringing in issues that have nothing to do with the original problem • Positive vs. Negative Results • Positive – • Reward of successfully facing a challenge • Relationship growth, positive communication climate, • Negative – • No one is likely to get what was originally sought • Can threaten the future of a relationship

12. Conflict Styles • Avoidance (Lose-Lose) • Behaviors in the avoidance approach to conflict? • Ignoring or staying away from conflict • Avoiding friends during dispute, • Changing conversation topic

13. Conflict Styles • Avoidance (Lose-Lose) • Avoidance may result in a lose-lose outcome. • Chronic misunderstandings • Resentments, disappointments (Contaminate emotional climate) • Avoidance may be good for dealing with conflict? • If risk of speaking up is too great • Getting fired • Public humiliation

14. Conflict Styles • Accommodation (Lose-Win) • Occurs when we allow others to have their own way without asserting our own point of view • Motivation of an accommodator • Effective if done as genuine act of kindness, generosity, love • Ineffective if used as a complainer, whiner, saboteur • How may the use of accommodation be culturally influenced? • High context cultures view accommodation and avoidance as noble ways to handle conflict

15. Conflict Styles • Competition (Win-Lose) • Competition using concern for self and low concern for others • Passive Aggression • Passive aggression • Expressing dissatisfaction in a disguised manner • Forms passive aggression may take – “Crazymaking” • Guilt – • "Never mind, I'll do all the work myself" • Agrees with you to face / Differs behind your back • Person agrees to a favor and never does it to get back at you

16. Conflict Styles • Direct Aggression • What are some of the forms of direct aggression? • Attacks on Character, Competence, Physical appearance, • Wishing other person bad fortune, teasing, ridicule, threats • Swearing, non0verbals (fist-shaking, waving arms, etc) • Direct aggression is likely to have a more negative impact on a relationship? • Psychological effects • Embarassment • Inadequacy • humiliation

17. Conflict Styles • Compromise (Negotiated Lose-Lose) • Gives both people at least some of what they want • Compromise, may result in a lose-lose outcome. • Both parties are giving up part of what they desire • Compromises may be beneficial in relationships even though both parties must sacrifice to achieve a resolution. • Buying a used car may result in a compromise in price • Both the seller and you are happy which makes compromise positive

18. Conflict Styles • Collaboration (Win-Win) • Goal of collaboration? • To solve problem not “My or Your” way but “Our Way” • Why is collaboration not always the best choice for resolving conflict? • It can be time consuming • Some conflict decisions need to be made quickly

19. Conflict Styles • Which Style to Use? • How to determine appropriate choice of conflict style: • The Situation • If you are in conflict with someone with more power (Accommodation) • Competitive response may result in loss of job • The Other Person • If they’re not interested in win/win or collaborating, if they only want to win and disregard your desires • Your Goals • To solve problem – be assertive • Calm down a person who is enraged or upset

20. Conflict in Relational Systems • Relational Conflict Styles • A pattern of managing disagreements • Used repeatedly over time

21. Conflict in Relational Systems • Complementary conflict style? • When partners use different but mutually reinforcing behaviors • One partner addresses the conflict directly, the other withdraws • Complementary style may lead to dissatisfaction in relationships? • May lead to isolation & each partner punctuating the conflict differently

22. Conflict in Relational Systems • Relational Conflict Styles • What is the symmetrical style? • When both parties use the same tactics to resolve conflicts

23. Conflict in Relational Systems • Relational Conflict Styles • Escalatory and de-escalatory spirals. • Escalatory Spiral- • When each person is treated with matching hostility one threat and insult leads to another • De-escalatory Spiral • Where both people withdraw from one another instead of facing their problems

24. Conflict in Relational Systems • Relational Conflict Styles • Parallel style – • A conflict style that shifts between complementary and symmetrical patterns • Dependent on the situation

25. Conflict in Relational Systems • Relational Conflict Styles • The intimate and aggressive style matrix. • Nonintimate-Aggressive • Partners dispute issues but without dealing with one another on an emotional level • Nonintimate-Nonaggressive • Partners avoid conflict (and one another) instead of facing issues head-on

26. Conflict in Relational Systems • Relational Conflict Styles • The intimate and aggressive style matrix. • Intimate-Aggressive • Combines aggression and intimacy • Lovers fight like cats and dogs and make up just as intensly • Coworkers might argue about their work but cherish their association • Intimate-Nonaggressive • Partners confront one another directly or indirectly • Manage to prevent issues from interfering with relationship

27. Conflict in Relational Systems • Relational Conflict Styles • Conflict ritual? • Unacknowledged but very real repeating patterns of interlocking behavior • Develops when people have been in relationship for long time • Conflict rituals may become problematic in a relationship? • When they are the only way relational partners handle their conflicts • What works in one situation isn’t likely to succeed in many others

28. Variables in Conflict Styles • Gender • Gender-based differences in conflict behaviors. • Male – Aggressive, Demanding, Competitive • Female – Cooperative, accommodating

29. Variables in Conflict Styles • Culture • Based on cultural norms and values, what cultural factors may influence conflict styles? • Directness, Straight Talking – Western cultures • Self restraint, avoid confrontation – Asian cultures

30. Conflict Management in Practice • Steps of putting conflict management into practice: • Define your needs • Decide what it is that you want or need • Share your needs with the other person • Once decided, share needs with partner (appropriate time & place) • Listen to the other person’s needs • Make sure that after expressing your needs you also find out theirs • Generate possible solutions • Think of as many ways possible to satisfy both of your needs

31. Conflict Management in Practice • Describe each of the steps of putting conflict management into practice: • Evaluate the possible solutions and choose the best one • Once all possible solutions have been expressed, evaluate them to see which would best satisfy everyone’s goals • Implement the solution • Try out the decided solution to see if it indeed satisfies everyone’s needs • Follow up the solution • After the solution has been tested for a short time, meet with other parties to see how things are going • If not satified changes may need to be mad