Calming Upset People Using E.A.R. Method

1. Calming Upset People using E.A.R. • October 15, 2015 15-7-9 International Conflict Resolution Day 1

2. Calming Upset People Using E.A.R. Add: Instructors Add: Organization

3. E.A.R. Defined • EMPATHY • ATTENTION • RESPECT • *used with permission from the High Conflict Institute

4. E.A.R. Statements Empathy: “I can hear how upset you are.” Attention: “Tell me what’s going on.” Respect: “I share your concerns about this problem and respect your efforts to solve it.”

5. Empathy

6. Empathy vs. Sympathy

7. Empathy Exercise • Refer to EMPATHY section on worksheet • Discuss question 1 and 2 as a large group • Develop an empathetic response to each statement • For the “your situation” – think of an emotional attack/ statement/ accusation that was made against you. • Write down the statement • Write an empathetic response for it. • *Please note that you will use this same situation for the rest of the exercises

8. Empathy Statements • “I can see how important this is to you.” • “I understand this can be frustrating.” • “I know this process can be confusing.” • “I’m sorry to see that you’re in this situation.” • “Let’s see if we can solve this together.” • “I’d like to help you if I can.”

9. Attention “Pretend that every single person you meet has a sign around his or her neck that says, ‘Make me feel important’.” Mary Kay Ash

10. Ways to Pay Attention • Non-Verbal • Good eye contact • Nod your head • Lean In • *Caution: direct touch Verbal “I will listen as carefully as I can.” “I will pay attention to your concerns.” “Tell me what’s going on.” “Tell me more!”

11. Respect “Respect is the personal, open-hearted consideration of another human as being of equal worth to ourselves, whoever they are, whatever they have done.” Alan Sharland, Mediator & Conflict Coach

12. Respect Exercise • Refer to RESPECT section on worksheet • Discuss question 1 and 2 as large group • Develop a respectful response to each statement • For the “your situation” – think of an emotional attack/ statement/ accusation that was made against you. • Write down the statement and then a respectful response to it. • *Please note that you will use this same situation for the rest of the exercises

13. Respect Statements • “I can see that your are a hard worker.” • “I respect/value your commitment to solving this problem.” • “I respect/appreciate your efforts on this.” • “I respect/value your success at accomplishing _______.” • “You have important skills that we need here.”

14. Why is E.A.R. Important?

15. Putting It All Together • Refer to last page of worksheet and discuss as a large group • For the “your situation” (individually) • Write down the statement • then an E.A.R. response for it. • Role play the statement with the other person and actually say it out loud • Provide feedback • Switch

16. Self Management

17. Tips for Remaining Calm • Remember - It’s Not About You!!! • Monitor what you’re thinking and feeling • What is going on for me? • What am I telling myself about what is going on? • What assumptions am I making?

18. Pitfalls to Avoid • Don’t Lie • You don’t have to listen forever • E.A.R. doesn’t mean you agree or disagree • Maintain an “arms-length” relationship

20. Calming Upset People using E.A.R. Resources/Websites Add: Instructor’s Organization/Website/Telephone Alberta Conflict Resolution Day www.conflictresolutionday.ca Alberta Dispute Resolution Network justice.alberta.ca/programs_services/mediation/drn High Conflict Institutite www.HighConflictInstitute.com

21. Thank you for participating in Conflict Resolution Day!