How’s the weather?

2. How’s the weather?

3. How would you describe your most important relationship? • Is your relationship cold, hot, stormy, peaceful, hostile, what? • Though we can’t measure our relationships by looking at a thermometer, it’s there nonetheless.

4. The Climate Out There! • Climates are everywhere we turn. • People place a lot of stock in knowing the weather, why? • To know what to expect, of course.

5. The Climate Out There! • Climates are everywhere we turn. • Think of your college classes. One class might be a friendly, fun and comfortable place while another class may seem cold, tense and distant. • It’s not the content that makes the climate different, but how the students feel and treat one another.

6. What is relational climate? • Relational climate refers to the social tone of a relationship. • A climate does not involve specific activities as much as the WAY PEOPLE FEEL about each other as they carry out those activities.

7. How do communication climates develop? • As soon as two people start to communicate, a climate begins to develop. • Verbal messages certainly contribute to the tone of a relationship, however, many of the “climate-shaping” messages are non –verbal. (smiles, frowns, eye contact, tone of voice, use of personal space, facial expressions, etc.)

8. Why do some messages create a positive climate and others a negative one? • Climate is determined by the degree to which people see themselves as valued. • Remember, “I see me by how I see you see me.” • When people feel valued, it’s usually because they are receiving confirming messages.

9. What’s a confirming message? • A confirming message is one in which the speaker acknowledges important parts of the receiver’s presenting self. • Confirming messages are validating the other person – you’re saying they exist.

10. Confirming messages occur on three increasingly positive levels. • 1. Recognition – The most fundamental act of confirmation is to recognize the other person. This gives a person validation. • This seems easy, right? Not necessarily. There are many times when we don’t respond to others. • For example, how do you feel when you say “hi” to someone and they simply look at you? What about avoiding eye contact? Doesn’t this send negative messages?

11. Confirming messages occur on three increasingly positive levels. • 2. Acknowledgement – Acknowledging the ideas and feelings of others is a stronger form of confirmation than recognition. • Active listening has been argued to be the most common form of acknowledgement.

12. Confirming messages occur on three increasingly positive levels. • 3. Endorsement – Where as acknowledgement means you are interested in the other, endorsement means that you agree with them. • This is the strongest type of confirming message because it communicates the highest form of valuing. “I can see why you are so upset” or “I agree with you that…”

13. We cannot always agree with everything someone says or does therefore, we may send a disagreeing message.

14. What’s the difference between a disagreeing message and a disconfirming message? • A disagreeing message says, “I recognize and acknowledge you but do not agree (endorsement) with you. • A disconfirming message says, “You don’t exist” and we don’t react. • Remember, disagreeing has two confirming messages; recognition and acknowledgement.

15. There are three types of disagreements: • 1. Argumentativeness – has been defined by scholars as presenting and defending positions on issues while attacking positions taken by others. • Note: Attack the issues, not the people; this maintains a positive climate.

16. There are three types of disagreements: • 2. Complaining – When people aren’t prepared to argue, but still want to register dissatisfaction, they tend to complain. Studies have shown there are positive and negative complaints. • Alberts (1988) found that satisfied couples tend to offer behavioral complaints such as, “You always throw your socks on the floor, I’d appreciate it if you would throw them in the hamper.”

17. There are three types of disagreements: • Unsatisfied couples tend to offer personal attacks such as, “You always throw your socks on the floor, you’re such a pig!.”

18. There are three types of disagreements: • 3. Aggressiveness – The most destructive way to disagree with another person is through aggressiveness. • Verbal aggressiveness is the tendency to attack the self-concepts of other people in order to inflict psychological pain. • Aggressiveness demeans the worth of others like name calling, put downs, sarcasm, taunting and yelling.

19. Interesting note: • Studies have shown an association of aggressiveness with physical violence in marriages, juvenile delinquency and depression.

20. Disconfirming Messages: • Remember a disconfirming message says, “You don’t exist!” • People send disconfirming messages in seven (7) different ways:

21. Disconfirming Messages: • 1. Impervious Response – Ever have someone call you and you didn’t return the call? Ever have someone say hi to you or wave at you and you looked the other way? • 2. Interrupting Response – occurs when one person begins speaking before the other person is through making a point.

22. Disconfirming Messages: • 3. Irrelevant Response – making a comment totally unrelated to what the other person was just saying. • Person A: “I’ve had a horrible day. First, my boss tells me I need to work longer hours, then I find out I’m not going to make extra money.” Person B: “Listen, we have to talk about the house. When are we going to fix the roof?”

23. Disconfirming Messages: • 4. Tangential Response – shifts or steers the conversation in a new direction. Comes in two forms: • a) Tangential shift – an abrupt change in conversation. A child runs into the house to show you a neat rock. You reply, “Wash your hands before dinner.” • b) Tangential drift – a token connection while slowly moving the conversation in another direction. You reply, “That’s a pretty rock, but look at your hands. Go wash them before dinner.”

24. Disconfirming Messages: • 5. Impersonal response – Pseudo responses. Conversation filled with impersonal, intellectualized, and generalized statements. • $100,000 words for a $10 K-mart understanding. Never connecting with the other person.

25. Disconfirming Messages: • 6. Incongruous Response – contains two messages that tend to deny or contradict each other. • One verbal (denotative) and the other non-verbal (connotative). • He: “Darling, I love you!” • She: “I love you too.” (giggles)

26. Disconfirming Messages: • 7. Ambiguous Response – contains a message with more than one meaning. Highly abstract. • Person A: I’d like to get together with you soon. How about Tuesday? • Person B: Uh, maybe so, anyhow, see you later.

27. It goes without saying that disconfirming and disagreeing messages can pollute and even spoil a communication climate. • How do we transform negative climates?

28. Transform Climates: • 1. Seek more information: Understand the message being sent before you respond. • 2. Ask for specifics: If someone yells, “You’re being unfair,” don’t say, “no I’m not!” Instead ask, “What do I do that’s unfair?” • 3. Guess about specifics – It seems to contradict #2 but sometimes questions about specifics will not be met with success. – Go Hunting. For example, “So what’s bothering you. Is it….. or….?”

29. Transform Climates: • 4. Paraphrase the speaker’s ideas or feelings. • 5. Ask what the other person wants. • 6. Ask about the consequences of your behavior. • 7. Ask what else is wrong. • 8. Agree with the truth.

30. Transform climates leads to managing conflict. • What is conflict?

31. Conflict: • Conflict has been defined by researchers Hocker and Wilmot (1992) as: • “An expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce rewards and interference from the other party in achieving their goals.” • In other words, “an interruption in harmony.”

32. Four components or elements of conflict: • 1. Expressed struggle – both individuals know that some disagreement exist in the relationship. • This can be expressed either through the verbal or non-verbal form of communication.

33. Four components or elements of conflict: • For example, a neighbor’s stereo is playing while you want to sleep. If you toss and turn and don’t say anything, it is not an expressed struggle. • However, if you knock on their front door and tell them you are trying to sleep, then it is an expressed struggle. • Remember, in order for a conflict to begin, it must be expressed otherwise it is not considered a conflict.

34. Four components or elements of conflict: • 2. Perceived incompatible goals – Two different goals trying to be achieved. • 3. Perceived scarce rewards – • A) Money – worker wants more money, but boss want to keep money in the business. • B) Time – conflict of where to spend time: work, home, with spouse or children, or to be alone.

35. Four components or elements of conflict: • 4. Interdependence – people in a conflict are dependent upon each other. The welfare and satisfaction of one depends on the action of another.

36. Conflicts are going to happen in every relationship. • It is impossible to avoid. However, conflicts can be and are healthy. • Conflicts enable couples to work out difference. Such as in the differentiation stage of Mark Knapp’s theory in which a couple can draw closer to each other. • Conflict can bring validation of the importance of the relationship and emerges with every resolved conflict. • Don’t you feel closer after resolving a conflict.

37. Individual Conflict Styles: • 1. Non-assertion – the inability or unwillingness to express thoughts or feelings. Usually comes from a lack of confidence. And comes in many forms: a) Avoidance • Physical – steering clear of the other after an argument • Conversational – changing the topic, joking, or denying a problem exists.

38. Individual Conflict Styles: • b) Indirect Communication – sending messages indirectly by hinting to others instead of expressing themselves. • c) Passive Aggression – expressing dissatisfaction in a disguised manner. • Guilt – “Never mind, I’ll do all the work myself. Go ahead and have a good time. Don’t worry about me.” • Hinting – “I will be nice when you can get around to finishing the job?” • Nonverbal – A loud sigh, a pained expression, a disdainful laugh, rolling of the eyes.

39. Individual Conflict Styles: • 2. Direct Aggression – opposite of passive aggression. • Lashes out to attack the source of their displeasure. • Scholars list 9 types of direct aggression:

40. character attack – “you’re dishonest” • competence attack – “you’re stupid” • physical appearance attacks – “you’re ugly” • wishing bad fortune on others – “I hope you fall down and die” • teasing – “I bet you don’t get an A” • ridicule – “That’s the silliest thing I’ve ever heard.” • threats – “I’m gonna…” • swearing – Use your imagination • non-verbal emblems – the finger, hands on hip

41. Individual Conflict Styles: • 3. Assertion – Speakers’ thoughts and feelings are clearly expressed.

42. Five elements of assertion: • 1. A description of the observable behavior that prompted your message. • Without blaming or name calling you state, “Last week you asked me to buy the tickets and now you tell me you don’t want them.”

43. Five elements of assertion: • 2. Your interpretation of the behavior. • “I get the idea you’re mad at me.” • Stay subjective and not matter of fact.

44. Five elements of assertion: • 3. The feelings that arise from your interpretation. • “I get the idea you’re mad at me and I feel hurt.”

45. Five elements of assertion: • 4. The consequences of the information you have shared so far. • What happens to the speaker – “When you tease me, I avoid you.” • What happens to the receiver – “When you tease me, I feel rejected and hurt.” • What happens to the message – “When you tease me, I don’t want to communicate back to you anything about me or my day.”

46. Five elements of assertion: • 5. An intentional statement after the assessments of 1-4: Some are requests “Please don’t tease me.” • Others are action, “Unless you stop teasing me, we may have to to stop seeing each other.”

47. Myths About Conflict • If in Relationship with Conflict, It’s a Bad One • Conflict Damages Relationships • Conflict is Bad

48. Context of Conflict: • Physical • Sociopsychological • Temporal • Cultural Microsoft Image

49. Negatives of Conflict: • Depletion of Energy • Close Self Off from Other • May Seek Intimacy Elsewhere • Costs May Outweigh Rewards Microsoft Image

50. Positives of Conflict: • Better Understanding • Prevent Festering Hostilities • Reinforces Worth of Relationship Microsoft Image