WHY WE FORM RELATIONSHIPS?

2. WHY WE FORM RELATIONSHIPS? • Physical Needs. (reducing uncertainty about the world around us) • Identity Needs. (reinforcing our identity, self-worth, etc.) • Social Needs. (inclusion, being a part of a group). • Practical Needs.

3. Why Do We Form Relationships With Some People And Not With Others? • Appearance • Competency • Similarity • Proximity • Complementarity • Reciprocity/Disclosure • Rewards

4. Attractiveness rating • High………medium………low

5. I was initially attracted to my spouse/partner by his/her Men Women • Looks • Personality • Sexiness • Wealth • Warmth • Power • Humor

6. I was initially attracted to my spouse/partner by his/her Men Women • Looks 26% 17% • Personality 49 44 • Sexiness 9 5 • Wealth 2 1 • Warmth 12 26 • Power 1 3 • Humor 1 4

7. proximity = we like those near us • similarity = we like those who are like ourselves self validation

8. Competency • Complementarity • Reciprocity

9. The exchange theory • Rewards – Costs = Outcome • The main question: what one considers to be a reward and a cost? • Also: what are the alternatives?

10. Equity Theory = rewards/costs should be equal to your partner’s

11. Relationship Development & Deterioration

12. Stages of Relationship Development • 1. The stages should be viewed as descriptive of what seems to happen rather than what should happen. • 2. The stages are not totally distinct from one another.

13. CONTACT:The initiating stage • 1. In the initiating stage, we tend to follow the scripts we have learned for initial interactions. • 2. During this stage we make initial judgments of other people's competence and they make judgments of our competence.

14. INVOLVEMENT: experimenting / testing • This stage can be seen as an audition for friendship. • It also helps us identify similarities between ourselves and others. • It helps us and the other person reduce our uncertainty about each other. • Relationships at this stage are casual and commitment is verylimited.

15. Testing Your Partner… • Directness • Endurance • Indirect suggestions • Public presentation • Separation • Third party (asking others) • Triangle

16. INVOLVEMENT:Intensifying • During the intensifying stage weincrease the information wedisclose about ourselves to others. • Overall, during this stage we are displaying our uniqueness to others.

17. INTIMACY:The integrating stage • Our interdependence with our partners begins to be visible to others. • A jointly constructed view of the world begins to emerge.The "my" orientation begins to be replaced by a "we" orientation.

18. INTIMACY:The bonding stage • The bonding stage often involves a public ritual that announces to the world that commitments have been formally contracted. • This is not just a ritual but a sign of taking responsibility and commitment.

19. TENSIONS in RELATIONSHIPS:The dialectical perspective • The dialectical perspective focuses on explaining the contradictions, inconsistencies, and paradoxes in our relationships.

20. Primary Relational Dialectics / Anxieties • SECURITY: • INTEGRATION-SEPARATION • EXCITEMENT: •  STABILITY VERSUS CHANGE • FULFILLMENT • EXPRESSION VERSUS PRIVACY

21. INTEGRATION-SEPARATION • The autonomy‑connection dialectic   • Autonomy = our desire to be independent; • Connection = our need to feel included;   • Developing quality relationships requires balancing our needs for autonomy and connection and being aware of our partner's need for autonomy and connection.

22. STABILITY vs CHANGE • Novelty‑Predictability Dialectic • Developing quality relationships requires that we recognize our need for predictability and our need for novelty.

23. EXPRESSION vs. PRIVACY • Openness‑Closedness Dialectic • a) Openness with others is necessary to develop intimacy with them; • b) Protecting ourselves requires some degree of closedness.

25. Causes of Relationship Deterioration • 1. unrealistic beliefs • 2. excessive intimacy claims • 3. third party relationships • 4. relationship changes • 5. undefined expectations • 6. sex-related problems • 7. work-related problems • 8. financial difficulties

26. DETERIORATION:Stages of Coming Apart • The differentiating stage • The circumscribing stage • The stagnating stage • The avoiding stage • The terminating stage

27. The differentiating stage • Differences become the central focus of our attention and these differences lead to greater interpersonal distance between us and our partners • The "we" orientation begins to be replaced by a "my“ orientation.

28. The circumscribing stage • The circumscribing stage involves constricted communication; • Communication decreases in Quantity and Quality.

29. The stagnating stage • In this stage, there is an expectation of unpleasant conversations, and the feeling that we have little to say to our partners. • Our communication is awkward, scripted, and often similar to the way we talk to strangers.

30. The avoiding stage • In the avoiding stage we rearrange our lives so that there is little need to interact with our partners.

31. The terminating stage • The terminating stage involves physically and psychologically leaving relationships.

33. Why People Stay Together? • Emotional attachment • Convenience • Children • Fear • Inertia • Commitment (to whom? To what?)