Chapter 8 Stress management strategie 8.10 Manage stress in real life

1. Chapter 8 Stress management strategie 8.10 Manage stress in real life

2. What is anger? • Anger is a natural response to feeling attacked, deceived, frustrated or treated unfairly. • Everyone gets angry sometimes – it’s part of being • human. It isn’t always a ‘bad’ emotion; in fact it can sometimes be useful. • For example, feeling angry about something can: • help us identify problems or things that are hurting us • motivate us to create change • help us defend ourselves in dangerous situations by giving us a burst of energy. (Dunn, 2016)

3. When is anger a problem? • Anger only becomes a problem when it harms you or people around you. • This can happen when: • you regularly express your anger through unhelpful or destructive behavior • your anger is having a negative impact on your overall mental and physical health. • “It feels like there’s a ball of fire in the middle of my chest that blurts its way straight out of my mouth and burns the people around me.” • If the way you behave when you feel angry is causing you problems in your life or relationships, it’s worth thinking about ways you can choose to manage anger, and learning about your options for treatment and support. (Dunn, 2016)

4. What is unhelpful angry behaviour? • Outward aggression and violence – such as shouting, swearing, slamming doors, hitting or throwing things and being physically violent or verbally abusive and threatening towards others. • Inward aggression – such as telling yourself that you hate yourself, denying yourself your basic needs (like food, or things that might make you happy), cutting yourself off from the world and self-harming. • Non-violent or passive aggression – such as ignoring people or refusing to speak to them, refusing to do tasks, or deliberately doing things poorly, late or at the last possible minute, and being sarcastic or sulky while not saying anything explicitly aggressive or angry. • “My brain goes blank and I absent-mindedly release my anger through physical violence towards myself or objects around me. I don’t realise how destructive I’ve been until immediately afterwards.” • “I internalise anger and punish myself by self-harm... cutting or starving myself.” (Dunn, 2016)

5. How can anger affect my mental and physical health? • Anger can contribute to mental health problems, and make existing problems worse. For example, if you often struggle to manage feelings of anger it can be very stressful and might negatively affect your self-esteem. This can lead to you experiencing problems such as depression, anxiety, eating problems or self-harm. It can also contribute to sleep problems, and problems with alcohol and substance misuse. • Anger can also be a symptom of some mental health problems. For example, if you experience borderline personality disorder (BPD), other personality disorders, psychosis or paranoia (especially if this leads you to feel very threatened), you might often feel very angry, and find it very hard to cope with angry feelings. • Experiencing strong anger regularly or for prolonged periods can also affect your physical health, contributing to illnesses such as: • colds and flu • gastro-intestinal (digestive) problems • high blood pressure. (Dunn, 2016)

6. Why do I get angry? • Your childhood and upbringing • You may have grown up thinking that it’s always okay to act out your anger aggressively or violently • You may have been brought up to believe that you shouldn’t complain • You may have witnessed your parents’ or other adults’ anger when it was out of control • Past experiences • Current circumstances (Dunn, 2016)

7. How can I manage an outburst? • It can be frightening when your anger overwhelms you. But there are ways you can learn to stay in control of your anger when you find yourself in difficult situations. You can: • look out for warning signs • buy yourself time to think • try some calming techniques • Remember: if your outbursts can be violent or abusive this can cause serious problems in your life and relationships, and can be very damaging to the people around you. In this case, it’s essential to seek professional treatment and support for your anger. (Dunn, 2016)

8. Look out for warning signs • Anger can cause a rush of adrenaline through your body, so before you recognise the emotion you’re feeling you might notice: • your heart is beating faster • your breathing is quicker • your body is becoming tense • your feet are tapping • you’re clenching your jaw or fists. • Recognising these signs gives you the chance to think about how you want to react to a situation before doing anything. This can be difficult in the heat of the moment, but the earlier you notice how you’re feeling, the easier it can be to choose how to manage your anger. (Dunn, 2016)

9. Buy yourself time to think • Sometimes when we’re feeling angry, we just need to walk away from the situation for a while. This can give you time to work out what you’re thinking about the situation, decide how you want to react to it and feel more in control. • Some ways you can buy yourself time to think are: • Expressing your thoughts out loud can help you understand whyCounting to 10 before you react. • Going for a short walk – even if it’s just around your local area. • Talking to a trusted friend who’s not connected to the situation • You’re angry and help calm you down. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to someone you know, you can call the Samaritans’ 24-hour helpline. (Dunn, 2016)

10. Try some calming techniques • Breathe slowly – try to breathe out for longer than you breathe in and focus on each breath as you take it. • Relax your body – if you can feel your body getting tense, try focusing on each part of your body in turn to tense and then relax your muscles. • Use up some of your energy safely – this can help relieve some of your angry feelings in a way that doesn’t hurt yourself or others. For example, you could try: • tearing up a newspaper • hitting a pillow • smashing ice cubes in a sink. (Dunn, 2016)

11. Try some calming techniques • Do something to distract yourself. Anything that completely changes your situation, thoughts or patterns can help stop your anger escalating. For example, you could try: • putting on upbeat music and dancing • doing some colouring • taking a cold shower. • Try mindfulness techniques to help you be aware of when you’re getting angry and to help yourself calm down. Be Mindful has more information on mindfulness and guidance on how to practice it (Dunn, 2016)

12. How can I control my anger long term? • If you think about how to manage your anger when you’re feeling calmer, you can avoid feeling overwhelmed by it in the heat of the moment. • Youcan: • learn your triggers • examine your thought patterns • develop your communication skills • look at your lifestyle (Dunn, 2016)

13. Learn your triggers • Understanding what sort of situations trigger your anger means you can develop strategies to cope and think about how to react before the situation happens. You might find it helpful to keep a diary or make notes about the times you have felt angry. • You could record: • What were the circumstances? • Did someone say or do something to trigger your anger? • How did you feel? • How did you behave? • How did you feel afterwards? • If you do this for a while, you might start to see patterns emerging. (Dunn, 2016)

14. Examine your thought patterns • If you’re feeling upset or angry, you might find yourself automatically thinking or saying things like: • “This is all their fault.” • “They never listen.” • “This always happens to me.” • “Other people should behave better.” • But often there are lots of different ways we could interpret a situation. It can make you feel worse if you think in terms of ‘always’, ‘never’ and ‘should’, because in reality things are rarely so black and white. • Making an effort to replace these words with softer terms like ‘sometimes’ or ‘could’ when thinking about your situation might help you to break up negative thought patterns, reflect more calmly on your situation and find new ways through conflicts. (Dunn, 2016)

15. Develop your communication skills • Being excessively angry and aggressive can get in the way of communicating your feelings effectively. • Being assertive means standing up for yourself while still respecting other people and their opinions. It can: • make communication easier • stop tense situations getting out of control • benefit your relationships and self-esteem. (Dunn, 2016)

16. Develop your communication skills • Learning to be assertive might not feel easy to start with, but here are some things to try: • Think about the outcome you want to achieve. What’s making you angry, and what do you want to change? Is it enough just to explain what you are angry about? • Be specific. For example, you could open your statement with, “I feel angry with you because…” Using the phrase ‘I feel’ avoids blaming anyone and the other person is less likely to feel attacked. • Really listen to the other person’s response and try to understand their point of view. • Be prepared for the conversation to go wrong and try to spot when this is happening. If you feel yourself getting angry, you might want to come back to the conversation another time. (Dunn, 2016)

17. Look at your lifestyle • Avoid drugs and alcohol. Although you might feel this could help you cope in the short term, alcohol and drugs can both affect your ability to control your emotions and actions, and can be a factor in violence. • Be more active. Being active can help let out any tension you’re feeling, and benefit your self-esteem. Even gentle exercise like going for a walk can make a difference. See Mind’s booklet How to improve your wellbeing through physical activity and sport. • Get good sleep. Not sleeping well can have a huge impact on how we’re feeling, and how well we cope with things that happen to us. (Dunn, 2016)

18. Look at your lifestyle • Look at what you’re eating and drinking. • Learn to deal with pressure. We can feel pressured or stressed for lots of different reasons, but taking some time to learn how to deal with pressure can help us feel more in control of difficult situations. • Develop your emotional resilience. Emotional resilience helps us feel more able to handle difficult emotions. (Dunn, 2016)

19. What is anxiety/worry? • Anxiety is a word we use to describe feelings of unease, worry and fear. It incorporates both the emotions and the physical sensations we might experience when we are worried or nervous about something. Although we usually find it unpleasant, anxiety is related to the ‘fight or flight’ response – our normal biological reaction to feeling threatened. • It’s common to feel tense, nervous and perhaps fearful at the thought of a stressful event or decision you’re facing – especially if it could have a big impact on your life. • In situations like these, it’s understandable to have worries about how you will perform, or what the outcome will be. For a brief period you might even find it hard to sleep, eat or concentrate. Then usually, after a short while or when the situation has passed, the feelings of worry stop. (Marsh, 2015)

20. When does anxiety become a mental health problem? • Because anxiety is a normal human experience, it’s sometimes hard to know when it’s becoming a problem for you – but if your feelings of anxiety are very strong, or last for a long time, it can be overwhelming. For example: • You might find that you’re worrying all the time, perhaps about things that are a regular part of everyday life, or about things that aren’t likely to happen – or even worrying about worrying. • You might regularly experience unpleasant physical and psychological effects of anxiety and maybe panic attacks. • Depending on the kind of problems you experience, you might be given a diagnosis of a specific anxiety disorder. (Marsh, 2015)

21. What are the symptoms of anxiety? (Marsh, 2015)

22. What are the long-term effects of anxiety? • problems sleeping • depression • a lowered immune system, which might make you more susceptible to certain physical illnesses • smoking or drinking a lot, or misusing drugs to cope • a change in your sex drive. • You might also have difficulty with everyday aspects of your life, such as: • holding down a job • developing or maintaining relationships • simply enjoying your leisure time. (Marsh, 2015)

23. What causes anxiety? • Past or childhood experiences • If something distressing happened to you in the past, you might feel anxious about facing similar situations again in case they stir up the same feelings of distress. • Feeling anxious could also be something you learned early on in life. • Everyday life and habits • Your lifestyle and the way you spend your time day to day can affect the way you feel. For example, the following experiences can all contribute to anxiety: • exhaustion or stress • long working hours • pressure at home, at work, or at study • housing problems • money problems (Marsh, 2015)

24. What causes anxiety? • Diet • Your diet can affect your mood on a day-to-day basis, and some foods can mimic and trigger symptoms of anxiety, such as drinking caffeine, eating lots of sugar or a poor diet generally. • Physical and mental health • Your physical health can have an impact on your mental wellbeing. For example, if you have a long-term physical health condition, or experience chronic pain, this might make you more vulnerable to experiencing mental health problems such as anxiety or depression. (Marsh, 2015)

25. What causes anxiety? • Drugs and medication • If you are taking prescription medication or street drugs, including alcohol, you might find that they can affect your mental health. For example, you might experience anxiety as a side effect of: • certain medication for mental health problems • certain medication for other health problems, such as steroids or some anti-malaria medication • street drugs or alcohol • Genetics • There is some evidence to suggest some people might inherit a genetic tendency to be more anxious than others. (Marsh, 2015)

26. Anxiety Management • Talk to someone you trust • Talking to someone you trust about what's making you anxious can help. You may find that they have encountered a similar problem and can talk you through it. It may be that just having someone listen to you and showing they care can help in itself. Getting it off my chest seems to help relieve some of the pressure. • Try a breathing exercise • You may find a breathing exercise helps you to manage anxiety and feel calmer. Breathe… always remember to breathe. Take time to inhale. It’s the simplest thing, but is forgotten in panic attacks. Gently breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth, keeping the pace slow and regular. Slowly tense then relax all the muscles in your body, starting at your toes and working up to your head. Afterwards just take some time to be still and focus on how your body feels. (Marsh, 2015)

27. Anxiety Management • Try shifting your focus • You may find it helpful to shift your focus or distract yourself from the anxiety you are feeling. Look at a flower, a picture or something that you find interesting or comforting. Really notice the details, the colours and any smells or sounds. • Listen to music • Listening to music you find peaceful or you enjoy can help you to feel calmer. • Try reassuring yourself • You may find it helpful to tell yourself that the symptoms you experience are actually caused by anxiety – it is not really dangerous, and it will pass. This can help you feel calmer and less fearful of future attacks. (Marsh, 2015)

28. Anxiety Management • Physical exercise • You may find that physical exercise can help you manage anxiety and panic attacks. Going for a walk or a run can help you get some time toyourself to think things over, away from everyday stresses. • Keep a diary • You may find keeping a note of what happens each time you get anxious or have a panic attack can help you spot patterns in what triggers these experiences for you, so you can think about how to deal with these situations in the future. • You could also try keeping a note of times when you are able to manage your anxiety successfully. This might help you feel more in control of the anxiety you feel. (Marsh, 2015)

29. Anxiety Management • Eat a healthy diet • You may find it easier to relax if you avoid stimulants such as coffee, cigarettes and alcohol. Some people also find eating a healthy diet helps them to manage anxiety better • Complementary therapies • Yoga, meditation, aromatherapy, massage, reflexology, herbal treatments, Bach flower remedies and hypnotherapy are all types of complementary therapy that you could try, and see if they work for you. You might find that one or more of these methods can help you to relax, sleep better, andmanage the symptoms of anxiety and panic attacks. • Support groups • A support group can give you the opportunity to share common experiences and ways of coping with others who are facing similar challenges. It can be comforting to know that you are not alone. (Marsh, 2015)

30. Reducing interpersonal stress/conflict/distress at work • Conflict is an inevitable part of work. We've all seen situations where people with different goals and needs have clashed, and we've all witnessed the often intense personal animosity that can result. • The fact that conflict exists, however, is not necessarily a bad thing. When you resolve it effectively, you can also eliminate many of the hidden problems that it brought to the surface. • But conflict can also be damaging. If you don't handle it effectively, it can quickly turn into personal dislike, teamwork can break down, and talent may be wasted as people disengage from their work and leave. • If you want to keep your team members working effectively, despite coming into conflict with one another, you need to stop this downward spiral as soon as you can. (Mindtools Editorial Team, 2014)

31. Reducing interpersonal stress/conflict/distress at work • There are other benefits that you might not expect: • Increased understanding. Going through the process of resolving conflict expands people's awareness, and gives them an insight into how they can achieve their goals without undermining others. • Better group cohesion. When you resolve conflict effectively, team members can develop stronger mutual respect, and a renewed faith in their ability to work together. • Improved self-knowledge. Conflict pushes individuals to examine their goals and expectations closely, helping them to understand the things that are most important to them, sharpening their focus, and enhancing their effectiveness. (Mindtools Editorial Team, 2014)

32. Understanding the Theory: Conflict Styles • In the 1970s Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann identified five main styles of dealing with conflict that vary in their degrees of cooperativeness and assertiveness. They argued that people typically have a preferred conflict resolution style. • Thomas and Kilmann's styles are: • Competitive: People who tend towards a competitive style take a firm stand, and know what they want. They usually operate from a position of power, drawn from things like position, rank, expertise, or persuasive ability. This style can be useful when there is an emergency and a decision needs to be made fast; when the decision is unpopular; or when defending against someone who is trying to exploit the situation selfishly. However it can leave people feeling bruised, unsatisfied and resentful when used in less urgent situations. (Mindtools Editorial Team, 2014)

33. Understanding the Theory: Conflict Styles • Thomas and Kilmann's styles are: • Collaborative: People tending towards a collaborative style try to meet the needs of all people involved. These people can be highly assertive but unlike the competitor, they cooperate effectively and acknowledge that everyone is important. This style is useful when you need to bring together a variety of viewpoints to get the best solution; when there have been previous conflicts in the group; or when the situation is too important for a simple trade-off. • Compromising: People who prefer a compromising style try to find a solution that will at least partially satisfy everyone. Everyone is expected to give up something, and the compromiser him- or herself also expects to relinquish something. Compromise is useful when the cost of conflict is higher than the cost of losing ground, when equal strength opponents are at a standstill and when there is a deadline looming. (Mindtools Editorial Team, 2014)

34. Understanding the Theory: Conflict Styles • Thomas and Kilmann's styles are: • Accommodating: This style indicates a willingness to meet the needs of others at the expense of the person's own needs. The accommodator often knows when to give in to others, but can be persuaded to surrender a position even when it is not warranted. This person is not assertive but is highly cooperative. Accommodation is appropriate when the issues matter more to the other party, when peace is more valuable than winning, or when you want to be in a position to collect on this "favor" you gave. However people may not return favors, and overall this approach is unlikely to give the best outcomes. (Mindtools Editorial Team, 2014)

35. Understanding the Theory: Conflict Styles • Thomas and Kilmann's styles are: • Avoiding: People tending towards this style seek to evade the conflict entirely. This style is typified by delegating controversial decisions, accepting default decisions, and not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings. It can be appropriate when victory is impossible, when the controversy is trivial, or when someone else is in a better position to solve the problem. • However in many situations this is a weak and ineffective approach to take. Once you understand the different styles, you can use them to think about the most appropriate approach (or mixture of approaches) for the situation you're in to resolve the problem, respects people's legitimate interests, and mends damaged working relationships. (Mindtools Editorial Team, 2014)

36. The "Interest-Based Relational Approach" • This type of conflict resolution respects individual differences while helping people avoid becoming too entrenched in a fixed position. In resolving conflict follow these rules: • Make sure that good relationships are the first priority: As far as possible, make sure that you treat the other calmly and that you try to build mutual respect. Do your best to be courteous to one-another and remain constructive under pressure. • Keep people and problems separate: Recognize that in many cases the other person is not just "being difficult" – real and valid differences can lie behind conflictive positions. By separating the problem from the person, real issues can be debated without damaging working relationships. (Mindtools Editorial Team, 2014)

37. The "Interest-Based Relational Approach" • Pay attention to the interests that are being presented: By listening carefully you'll most-likely understand why the person is adopting his or her position. • Listen first; talk second: To solve a problem effectively you have to understand where the other person is coming from before defending your own position. • Set out the "Facts": Agree and establish the objective, observable elements that will have an impact on the decision. • Explore options together: Be open to the idea that a third position may exist, and that you can get to this idea jointly. By following these rules, you can often keep contentious discussions positive and constructive. This helps to prevent the antagonism and dislike which so-often causes conflict to spin out of control. (Mindtools Editorial Team, 2014)

38. The "Interest-Based Relational Approach" • This type of conflict resolution respects individual differences while helping people avoid becoming too entrenched in a fixed position. In resolving conflict follow these rules: • Make sure that good relationships are the first priority: As far as possible, make sure that you treat the other calmly and that you try to build mutual respect. Do your best to be courteous to one-another and remain constructive under pressure. • Keep people and problems separate: Recognize that in many cases the other person is not just "being difficult" – real and valid differences can lie behind conflictive positions. By separating the problem from the person, real issues can be debated without damaging working relationships. • Pay attention to the interests that are being presented: By listening carefully you'll most-likely understand why the person is adopting his or her position. • Listen first; talk second: To solve a problem effectively you have to understand where the other person is coming from before defending your own position. • Set out the "Facts": Agree and establish the objective, observable elements that will have an impact on the decision. • Explore options together: Be open to the idea that a third position may exist, and that you can get to this idea jointly. By following these rules, you can often keep contentious discussions positive and constructive. This helps to prevent the antagonism and dislike which so-often causes conflict to spin out of control. (Mindtools Editorial Team, 2014)

39. Using the Tool: A Conflict Resolution Process • Step One: Set the Scene • Make sure that people understand that the conflict may be a mutual problem, which may be best resolved through discussion and negotiation rather than through raw aggression. • If you are involved in the conflict, emphasize the fact that you are presenting your perception of the problem. • Use active listening skills to ensure you hear and understand other's positions and perceptions: • Restate. • Paraphrase. • Summarize. • And make sure that when you talk, you're using an adult, assertive approach rather than a submissive or aggressive style. (Mindtools Editorial Team, 2014)

40. Using the Tool: A Conflict Resolution Process • Step Two: Gather Information • Trying to get to the underlying interests, needs, and concerns. Ask for the other person's viewpoint and confirm that you respect his or her opinion and need his or her cooperation to solve the problem. Try to understand his or her motivations and goals, and see how your actions may be affecting these. • Try to understand the conflict in objective terms: • Is it affecting work performance? damaging the delivery to the client? disrupting team work? hampering decision-making? or so on. • Be sure to focus on work issues and leave personalities out of the discussion. • Listen with empathy & see conflict from the others’ point of view. • Identify issues clearly and concisely. • Use "I" statements. • Remain flexible. • Clarify feelings. (Mindtools Editorial Team, 2014)

41. Using the Tool: A Conflict Resolution Process • Step Three: Agree the Problem • Different underlying needs, interests and goals can cause people to perceive problems very differently. You'll need to agree the problems that you are trying to solve before you'll find a mutually acceptable solution. Sometimes different people will see different but interlocking problems – if you can't reach a common perception of the problem, then at the very least, you need to understand what the other person sees as the problem. • Step Four: Brainstorm Possible Solutions • If everyone is going to feel satisfied with the resolution, it will help if everyone has had fair input in generating solutions. Brainstorm possible solutions, and be open to all ideas, including ones you never considered before. (Mindtools Editorial Team, 2014)

42. Using the Tool: A Conflict Resolution Process • Step Five: Negotiate a Solution • By this stage, the conflict may be resolved: Both sides may better understand the position of the other, and a mutually satisfactory solution may be clear to all. However you may also have uncovered real differences between your positions. • This is where a technique like win-win negotiation can be useful to find a solution that, at least to some extent, satisfies everyone. There are three guiding principles here: • Be Calm • Be Patient • Have Respect (Mindtools Editorial Team, 2014)

43. Maintain the stress resilient life style • Resilience means being able to adapt to life's inevitable stresses and setbacks. In other words, you bounce back quickly when something goes wrong. If you frequently feel unhappy, or often wish you could take back the way you reacted to something, you may need to work on your resiliency. (Werneburg, 2016)

44. How to raise your resiliency threshold? • Create awareness. Becoming more aware of your thoughts and actions can help you recognize patterns and areas where you can improve. Plus, it allows you to acknowledge what you're already doing well. • Try these tips to strengthen your personal awareness: • Listen to your body. How does your body react to stressful situations? Do you clench your jaw or teeth? Do you notice your heart rate increasing? Are your thoughts racing, or are you repeatedly worrying about the same issue? • Write it down. Make a list of your signs and symptoms of stress. This gives you a moment to check in with yourself and pause before you respond. • Reflect. Take note of what your mind is telling you in the moment of stress. You can then question if what you're telling yourself is true, real or rational. Stress often triggers irrational thoughts. By noticing them, you can step back and gain perspective. (Werneburg, 2016)

45. How to raise your resiliency threshold? • Focus your attention. A powerful technique for dealing with stressful situations is to cultivate your attention to focus on the present moment. Doing so reduces the mind's tendency to wander and ruminate on the what-if thoughts that often add to stress. Try these ideas: • Take a walk around your neighborhood and see it through fresh eyes. Pay attention to your route. Acknowledge the bark and branches of trees, the front doors you pass, the landscaping rocks, the neighbor's dog barking. Be fully present and try to take in as many details as you can. • Once you're home, reflect on how that walk was different than usual. How do you feel? (Werneburg, 2016)

46. How to raise your resiliency threshold? • Don't pass judgment ... for at least 3 minutes. Do you find yourself judging and assessing everything you experience? "This would be better if ..." "They should have ..." "I would have done it this way ..." Combat this "righting reflex" by challenging yourself to simply experience someone or something for three minutes without trying to critique or improve. When you delay judgment, you create space for gratitude. You may find that what's in front of you is good enough — or enjoyable as is. (Werneburg, 2016)

47. How to be more resilient?  • 1: Practise grey thinking • Try to see issues as a range of greys rather than black or white. Understanding this spectrum at times of stress can move you from thinking in extremes – a child-like ‘all or nothing’ approach - towards more adult solution-orientated grey thinking, scanning for options and not feeling overwhelmed. • 2: Believe stress is an opportunity  • As research shows, believing stress is bad for you has a negative effect on how you deal with it. When resilient people get the feelings associated with stress - heart pounding, sweaty palms – they recognise that this is because they care about the outcome, and they prepare to perform well, with excitement and courage replacing dread. (Howard, 2016)

48. How to be more resilient  • 3: Accept what you can control • Wasting energy trying to plan, predict and control things you can’t influence is disempowering and exhausting. Accepting that the only person we can control is ourselves is liberating. • 4: Look forward not back  • “Why has this happened to me?” Don't ask negative questions as your unconscious mind will rake over the past, finding negative reasons. Resilient people don’t ruminate but ask what they want to happen next; visualising it and how to get there. • 5: Connect and help others • Stress can tempt us to isolate ourselves; to feel our pain alone. Resilient people connect, offer help, accept help offered and are not afraid to ask for it. (Howard, 2016)

49. How to be more resilient  • 6: Give up being perfect • Recognise you are not perfect and never will be. Resilience is about being authentic and vulnerable, which creates a greater level of empathy and support from the people around you.  • 7: Don’t judge or blame yourself • Life is going to throw a few curve balls your way. See any setbacks as temporary, not permanent, and never think you’re simply not good at something.  • 8: Embrace failure • In his quest to invent the electric lightbulb, Thomas Edison said he hadn’t failed but had just discovered 1,000 ways that didn't work. Resilient people are curious and see failure as an opportunity to learn and improve, rather than a badge of defeat. (Howard, 2016)

50. How to be more resilient  • 9: Practise self-compassion  • Realise and accept that emotions are human, and are there to allow us to connect to others and express what is happening. Denying your emotions uses up valuable energy, which inevitably makes us feel out of control. • 10: Have choice • Resilient people always believe they have choice, which means they look for the options in every situation and keep the locus of control within themselves. Remember: only you can change your mindset. (Howard, 2016)