Chapter 12 Getting Too Close for Comfort

Chapter 12Getting Too Close for Comfort Privacy and Secrets in Relationships

Activate your Brain • Value question: • Should there ever be secrets in a close relationship? • Why or why not? • Do you keep secrets from your parents? • From your partner? Friends? • Why or why not?

Communication Privacy Management Theory (Petronio) • Individuals maintain privacy by setting up boundary structures to control the risks inherent in disclosing private information. • Boundary structures are based on two elements: • Ownership: who has the right to control the information • You will be upset if information that is private to you (your behavior Saturday night), is discussed at the lunch table! • Permeability: Measures how freely people allow others to share information they disclosed about themselves. • Everyone? Only recipient? • Permeable Impermeable (sharing filter is thin) (disclose but not to be shared)

Rules for Managing Information within Privacy Boundaries (3 Principles) 1. Rules for communication boundary management influenced by: • culture (Asian health information?) • Health information goes to the family and they decide whether or not to tell patient • personality: some tell it all others not at all! • the relationship: friend vs. coworker • sex: who discloses more? Women! • motivations: making a friend or accomplishing a task

Rules for Managing Information, cont. 2. Successful boundary management requires cooperation between people and within groups. -Boundary insiders: those we involve in our secrets thus we coordinate our boundary structures and rules with them. What happens when someone doesn’t follow your boundary rule? Are there penalties? 3.Co-owners of information sometimes experience boundary turbulence: • fortification of boundaries • renegotiation of boundaries

Rules for Managing Information, cont. Essentially the central feature of CPM is its recognition that we cherish our rights to privacy and our ability to control information. Your book raised some interesting questions. Heads down thumbs up if you’re romantic partner has the right to know your: 1. Past dating partners 2. Past sexual experiences and partners 3. Financial status Heads down thumbs up if you have the right to know about your parents: 1. Quality of their relationship 2. What they did in college 3. Their health

College student—parents privacy • 96% of college students (1990) could describe at least 3 privacy violations by parents • Examples: • Asking personal questions • Giving unsolicited advice • Making unsolicited remarks about the student’s life • Opening student’s mail • Going through student’s belongings • So children either used confrontation or evasion, in which they changed the behavior to protect privacy without telling their parents.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yu4zMvE6FH4- to :59 PRIVACY VIOLATION IN TODAY'S ERA

Responses to Privacy Violations (1) Verbal assertion: communicating in a direct and cooperative manner • asking the invader to respect one’s privacy in the future (2) Passive Aggression or Retaliation: • making the person feel guilty • getting revenge by violating their privacy

Responses, cont. 3) Tempered Tolerance: outwardly accepting the privacy violation • grin and bear it • acting like the incident never happened 4) Boundary Restructuration: adjusting public boundaries to prevent future privacy violations • putting a lock on a drawer • going into another room when talking on the phone • Sometimes efforts to establish privacy is interpreted as distancing

So what happens when people continue to invade someone’s privacy even when the other person clearly wants to be left alone?

Obsessive Relational Intrusion (ORI) by Cupach! And Spitzberg • ORI occurs when someone uses intrusive tactics to try to get closer to someone else. • Common ORI situations involve unrequited love between: • Mere acquaintances • Former relational partners • Only one person wanting a friendship to turn romantic

Examples of ORI behaviors Common forms: calling and arguing, calling and hanging up, repeatedly asking for another chance, watching from a distance, making exaggerated claims of affection Severe forms: invading one’s home, damaging property, causing physical harm Becomes stalking

Relational Goal Pursuit Theory: Premises(reasons people use ORI behavior) • People expend energy to develop or re-initiate relationships to the extent that they perceive a relationship is desirable and attainable. • When a relationship is perceived to be unattainable, people abandon their original goal and seek an alternative. • When is a relationship unattainable? • ORI is most likely when people continue to believe a relationship is attainable even though it is not.

Reasons for Continued Pursuit According to Relational Goal Pursuit Theory, people continue pursuit behaviors because of: • cultural scripts (“hard-to-get” or “true love wins”) • ambiguity of communication (especially when trying to not hurt the pursuer • rumination-what is this? • a shift in motivation • From pursuit to revenge

Responses to ORI (book calls them consequences) • Passive: waiting for the pursuer to lose interest or give up • Avoidant: not answering phone calls, avoiding pursuer • Aggressive: being mean or rude, threatening harm if she or he doesn’t leave you alone • Integrative: communicating disinterest directly, negotiating relationship rules and boundaries (greatest likelihood of success) • Help Seeking: asking others for assistance in preventing ORI behavior Can you think of any other response that your book didn’t mention? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vRrkUy9KJ48

More recent approaches • Cyber stalking (Facebook, for example) • SNUPE-ing = Social Network’s Use for Prying Electronically • Thinking questions are below, as we have discussed this already: • When does keeping informed about someone become stalking? • When it is simply a way to maintain network relationships?

Proactive (rather than reactive) Way to Maintain Privacy: Topic Avoidance Romantic Relationships Parents & Children Everyday Activities Other Family Members Money Deep Conversations Drinking/drugs Religion • Relationship Issues • Negative Experiences/Failures • Romantic Relationship Experiences • Sexual Experiences • Friendships • Dangerous Behaviors (drinking, drugs) • May just avoid topics that each other is already aware of!

Motivations (or reasons) for Topic Avoidance (Box 12.4) • Relationship-Based: (romantic, friends, family) Relationship Protection Relationship De-escalation/Destruction • Individual-Based: Identity Management Privacy Maintenance • Information-Based: Partner Unresponsiveness (esp. men) Futility of Discussion Communication Inefficacy (not sure how to say it)

HowPeople Avoid Topics • Strategies range along dimensions of directness and politeness. (examples?) High Direct High Polite Low Polite Low Direct

When do We Use Topic Avoidance? • In romantic relationships: • during the casual to committed relationship transition • Increased uncertainty at this time thus your afraid some topics may turn them off etc. • during family transitions • In parent-child relationships: • during mid-adolescence • when children feel caught in the middle of divorced parents • In cross-sex friendships: • when one person wants the relationship to be romantic and the other does not

Consequences of Topic Avoidance • Standards of Openness Hypothesis • We associate openness with a healthy relationship • Perception that partner is avoiding topics is associated with lower relationship satisfaction • Especially true for women

Secrets • Secrets are the intentional concealment of information • Types of Family Secrets(Metts add) • Whole Family Secrets • Intrafamily Secrets (e.g., mom & daughter, brothers) • Individual Secrets • Relatively Common Family Secrets: • financial issues (#1) • substance abuse • premarital pregnancy

Consequences of Keeping Secrets • Why is it Hard to Keep a Secret? • Hyperaccessibility: Don’t think about dancing elephants! Sometimes telling ourselves not to think about something backfires and its all we can think about • Rebound effect: Trying to suppress the thought or secret can only last so long, the moment we face that secret it reminds us of what we did making it difficult to keep the secret. • The fever model of self-disclosure: the more we stew and think about a secret, the more likely we are to reveal it. • Can anyone think of a movie or show in which this takes place?

Positive Consequences • Stress relief due to not having to talk about certain issues with others • Disclosing the secret frees the secret keeper from having to suppress it • Without disclosing a secret, secret keeping cannot work toward a resolution of issues underlying the secret.

Negative Consequences • You the discloser get shunned • You reveal a secret and it erodes the personal boundaries being tightly held by the secret keeper • If you secret is within a group and someone tells another outsider, this is seen as an act of betrayal

Revealing Secrets • Why do people eventually reveal a secret? • to achieve catharsis • to clarify interpretation of events • to get validation from other that they are still a good person • to make the relationship closer • to control others • Some consequences will be positive and some negative. Depends on the nature of the secret and the consequences of revealing it.

A Model for Revealing Secrets • When should we reveal a secret? No-keep secret Is the secret troubling? (Rumination, anxiety, depression, ulcers) Yes—Is an appropriate confidant available (discreet, non-judgmental, able to help) Yes—reveal secret No—keep secret

Chapter 12 Getting Too Close for Comfort