Theories for Mate Selection

1. Theories for Mate Selection A summary from : Holloway, Holloway, Zucker and Witte (2003) And, Holloway, Holloway, and Witte (2010)

2. Romantic Love • Marriage probably has its roots in the biological need to reproduce • BUT has evolved as a basic social and economic structure within society. • Men and women demonstrate romantic love in 87 percent of ALL cultures • NOT CLEAR whether a recent social development or a human need. • couple living working, sharing a bed and raising children together will probably grow in love for each other regardless how the marriage started (e.g. free v.s. arranged)

3. Attraction and Chemistry (Evolutionary Psychology) • NATURAL SELECTION through adaptive behaviours: • Women prefer to mate with men who: • would be good fathers; stay around to be good providers • Evolution based on women withheld sex til got what wanted or needed; tendency to try and “marry up”; marry older, wiser and more stable but not too old so will be with children • Men prefer to mate with women who: • Could bear children; Intelligent; tempered to raise children we • Evolutionary attraction to female beauty such as full, healthy figure – demonstrates health and ability to carry a child ; younger age sometimes more sexually desirable • Limerence- love/passion draws together, intimacy , commitment and chemistry keeps couple together • Marriage Goal: More children, more wealth, and more skills to continue healthy and effective selection process and perpetuate the species!

4. Social Homogamy • Functionalist perspective • Individuals are “attracted to people of a similar social background”: • Highest correlations between mates for: Age Race Ethnic background Religion Socio-economic status Political views • Explains attractions between persons socialized in similar way but not from same race or ethnic group • Roles within society continued • Ensures that couples are compatible • Marriage Goal: to create safe positive & socially appropriate environment for children to carry on beliefs and norms of society; union allows family to perform tasks needed for society to continue.

5. More Social Homogamy effects • Physical appearance! • Tendency for people to marry those who have similar features! • E.g. finger length, space between eyes…. • Proximity! • Tendency for people to be attracted to those who: • Live or work nearby • Belong to the same religious community • Attend the same cultural events • Share the same expectations for: • Education • Couple’s relationship and lifestyle choices • Efficient home resource management with less conflict • Child rearing practices

6. Ideal Mate Theory(Symbolic Interactionism) • Attraction based on individual’s “unconscious image of the ideal mate” • Perception or placement of meaning on specific characteristics • “Love at first sight” idea • Ideals are formed through positive and negative experiences within person’s life (childhood, community, media influences, successful marriages observed etc.) • Person may be unaware of judgments or standards that create an image of his/her ideal mate • Marriage Goal: to demonstrate the symbol of commitment and social standing; to complete perception that right/ acceptable choice • Assumes new role and status based on change to married status

7. Attraction as Fair Exchange (Exchange Theory) • Attraction and mate selection based on what potential mate has to offer such as: physical appearance, wealth, personality, social status • …best possible match like; not the “ideal” • E.g. Younger, more attractive women my have more resources to offer older more successful men • Age difference younger women offer beauty as value in exchange for older financially successful male • Marriage Goal: To gain by commitment to a relationship (e.g sex, greater financial gain, social standing, acceptability, not single)

8. Identity, Intimacy and Love…(Life-course approach) • People can not select a mate without being ready: must first understand who they are and what their roles are; must be capable of intimate relations without loss of identity • Women look for definition of self through relationship connection to form identity • Men prefer more independence in a relationship; may delay commitment until life structures are in place.\ • Marriage Goal: a lasting relationship based on companionship and “give and take” without loss of self

9. Traditional Patriarchal roles (Conflict and feminist theory) • Suggests matches between younger women and older men ensure power dynamic: • Women will need his greater resources do to age to acquire her desired lifestyle • Men need age difference to maintain dominance within patriarchal relationship • Marriage goal: men gain a care giver and power while women gain financial stability and status

10. Romantic Love (Ecological Approach) • Desire for a physical and emotional Merger • Idealization of the love object • Emotional dependency, desired exclusivity and concern for the beloved • Motivational priority and intrusive thought Marriage Goal: To freely connect in an enduring relationship that meets societal coupling norms but that does not require social, economic or familial obligation.

11. DATING HISTORY • Dating is a recent phenomena –since 1920’s • Evolved from men asking women out to organized event where men paid to show assets • 1930’s “going steady” meant exclusive relationship with or without talk of marriage • Created economics and commerce based on dating entertainment for pleasure and romance; also matchmaking • Teen dating started to begin earlier with less of a connection to process of choosing a marriage partner • Dating as of 1950’s, dating considered an ideal mate selection technique in North America • Now industry dedicated to dating and mate selection!

12. Market Experience Perspective • Learn to relate to the opposite sex and judge character to determine qualities he/she desire in marriage partner • Described as multi-step process where one filters or screens out unacceptable marriage partners and select those similar to one-self; more serious relationships equal use of finer filters; only one person gets through last filter ready for marriage (Murstein’s filter theory) • Decisions are made one at a time – NOT UNLIKE TEST DRIVING A CAR!

13. Arranged Marriages • Not to confused with a Forced Marriage! • Supported by theories of homogamy • E.g. similar beliefs re: roles, child rearing practices like those of their culture, social values; similar backgrounds and compatibility based on selection process by “match maker” or family • A sacred duty for some parents • Marriage TOO IMPORTANT to be left to chance • Removes the complications of romantic love, sexual attraction, and recreational dating • Perceived Stronger commitment to the ideals of marriage within family and community • Current Canadian practice tends to advocate for • Several meetings with potential suitors AT THE SAME TIME • More parental guidance than force; with the right to refuse a partner • Union of two families generally within same “class”, faith group, community of origin… • Sometimes described as: • West believes in love before marriage • East believes in love after marriage

14. Free Choice relationships • “hooking up” • Canadians take a more casual approach to dating and relationships:

15. A Final Note on LOVE • LOVE is the best indicator of Marital success: • Deep Love is defined as • Strong sexual desire, • knowledge of each other • enjoyment of each other’s company and • the relationship a PRIORITY defined themselves • Couples who remember deep love when they got married have the happiest marriages