A Journey into my inner Heart

1. A Journey into my inner Heart By: Alicia Hedrington

2. The Purpose of this project • Dear Reader, • This project was assigned to me in my Language Arts method education class. Though it started of as a mandatory assignment, this project as allowed me to look into my heart. I chose to examine how my mom’s chronic illness has effected my life and my relationships with my family. This was extremely cathartic and has become near and dear to my heart. I am grateful to have been assigned this project because it gave me the opportunity to let the voice of my younger self be expressed, while offering her hope with the wisdom I have gained through my short years. I dedicate this project to her, because she was finally able to cry.

3. Narrative Piece: A Memory • When ithappens the minor details escape me. All that I can remember is how I felt. It was a typical night with my mom. We enjoyed a night inside. I am sure that I ate a delicious home cooked meal. I do remember that mom and I did stay up late talking. We talked about life, college, boys, everything. The night was normal when I went to bed. I sleep with my door closed. In general I am deep sleeper, this fact was exaggerated since I was slumbering in my comfortable king sized bed. I was slowly awakened by a cry. Gradually I became aware to whom the cry belonged as my grogginess cleared. • I hurriedly jumped out of bed and ran into my mom’s room. She was going into a sickle cell crisis. It was awful. She was rolling around in her own king size bed to help alleviate the pain. I asked her if there is anything that I can do. She instructed me to massage her lower back and legs. Quickly I obeyed her demand. I was unsure if I should press firmly, because that might inflict more pain, but I also wanted the massage to be effective. As I worked, I prayed silently. I prayed that my mom’s pain would disappear. I am so worried and anxious that those are the only words that came to mind. • My mom’s pain escalated. She is cried out in horror. I asked if she wanted to go to the hospital. She told me no, that the doctors can’t do anything for her. At this point I felt very alone and out of control. I am powerless to help my mom. What physical person can I turn to? My parents have been divorced for years, and my sister lives forty-five minutes away without a car or license. I kept praying, as my mom got worse. She cried out to God as well. She begged him to take away her pain, but it seemed that with each plea another wave of pain rocked her system. As the minutes passed, with hope I asked if she has taken her medicine, and she told me yes. I am out of knowledge and options. I have no idea what to do. The only thing I know to do is pray. I am in such a pathetic state that I can only pray a one liner: “God please heal my mother.” • As time ticks away mom became hysterical. She scared me more, by confirming that I have no power to help. She whimpered things like God I can’t take this anymore, let me die. I am scared. At this point I feel selfish because I am begging God not to answer my mom’s cry. To do anything but take away my mom from me. I continue praying. I can’t help but wonder if God is really there? I question if my prayer for my mom is selfish. To make sure that I am not selfish I add this addendum to my prayer: “God in order to stop my mom’s pain, if you have to give to someone else give it me.” I started to cry, and my mom asked “what is wrong?” I cried “you are scaring me and that I wanted her to go the hospital”. My sweet mom told me she would stop crying out her desperate pleas for death. But she made it clear that she didn’t want to go the hospital. I could tell there was fear in her voice. I am still unsure why my haven for her is her nightmare. I wanted her to go the hospital desperately, but as her selfish helpless daughter what was I to do if she doesn’t want to go? I confessed that I didn’t know what to do. My mom made a deal with me. The deal was if the pain didn’t subside by 5 am, then we travel to the hospital. I took her deal. • I went back to bed with my door open. I know anyone watching or reading might think I am crazy, but literally there was nothing I could do. I had to prepare for the trip since I would drive, and I needed to be alert which meant rest. Thankfully by 5 my mom’s pain did subside. • As I crept back in my bed after conferring with my mom about the plan of action, I breathed a sigh of relieve. My mom and I had made it through another crisis. Though this was a victory, I began to shutter thinking about the time that we don’t triumph over sickle cell. When we become its victims.

4. argumentativePiece My only Wish Lord…

5. argumentativePiece If you wish upon a star…

6. argumentativePiece "I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it would move. Nothing would be impossible.“ ~Matthew 17:20

7. argumentativePiece • Dear God, • I am deeply hurt and upset with you. I am grateful for the amazing mother that you have blessed me with. She is incredible. She has taught me so much. She taught me to hide your word in my heart, to love, work hard, and to have my own convictions. I can say with confidence that she has followed your directionsto impress on the children your commands. She did, she talked about them as you directed her in your word (Deuteronomy 6:7.) She has served you in many ways, and her love for you is evident. It is seen through her deep love for others. You command that those who follow you are to love the world with the love of Christ. My mom has set a beautiful example for me. She has served through selling her personal possessions to help raise money, offered spiritual advice, genuinely taken interest in others’ lives, and she has interceded for them in prayer. I don’t understand how you can give my mom this disease. What is hurtful is that you haven’t answered our prayer to take this pain away from her. I am here yet again to beg you to remove this illness from her life. • You say in your word that you sent Jesus that we may have life and have life to the full (John 10:10). My mom’s illness doesn’t allow her to have life to the full. It breaks my heart to hear the dreams my mom has that she can’t fulfill because of her illness. I remember once she told me she never played dodge ball. I am still in disbelief because this was one of my favorite childhood games. She never played because the quickness of the game causes her heartbeat to raise to a dangerous level which can trigger a crisis. A simple pleasure a child should get to enjoy, but was taken from my mom. Lord we can never make plans, because of the unpredictability of her condition. This summer Mom wanted to come down before school started and help decorate my dorm room. This is a special tradition that has become apart of my college journey. We made plans for her to come down for the weekend. We were both so excited. But the morning of I got a phone call that mom was in the hospital. Our weekend was ruined. God is this fair? How is my mom able to live life to the full if she can’t even plan or dream? • Lord please forgive me for being so forward, but it was you who said that if I ask, it shall be given to me (Matthew 7:7), so I am just following your rules here. Lord I don’t understand if your word is true why my mom suffers so. You say in your word that “everything works out for good of those who love you and live according to your purpose” (Romans 8:28). I am here to assure you that this scripture describes my mom. I already told you how she has sacrificed for others. But to add to record she forgives others that hurt her and denies herself for you. I know that my mom has been tempted to sin because she has heard nothing for you, but says NO to her fleshly desires because of her love for you. I don’t understand why you remain silent. I am confused Lord, at your love. How does my mom’s sufferingnot motivate you to action? Don’t my mom’s cries and convulsions of pain break your heart? Do you not see or hear? God please answer me or her! How is this love? How does her pain bring good into her life? • Lastly Lord, I again am going to challenge you on your word. You say that if I have the faith the of muster seed you can move mountains. Lord I believe that you are God and that you can do anything. You are the God thatparted the Red Sea to allow the Israelites to pass to safety. You are the God who closed the mouth of lion when Daniel was cast in the den. You are the God who cooled the fire that Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were cast into for standing for your name and no else’s. You are the God who raised Jesus Christ from the dead! I know your track record. You are capable of great things, and God I believe that you can answer my small prayer. God I believe but its on you whether or not I see it! What will your answer be?

8. Top 5 things I have learned in life because of my mom’s illness • 5. Mom’s illness isn’t anyone’s fault. I am not responsible to be the savior of my family. • 4. To cherish my time with people. • 3. I am not alone. • 2. That mourning is important. • 1. To love deeply.

9. Interviews with Family Interview with my Mom Interview with my Sister • Q: What has it been like living with sickle cell anemia? • A: It is scary living with this disease. It is scary because it is unpredictable. I also don’t know how long a crisis will last. It is possible that it will last from a few minutes to a month. It is hard for me to make plans because of its unpredictability. When I am in a crisis, I get really depressed. • Q: How has it molded your character? • A: My disease has taught me to live for the day because I am not sure about the next one. It has taught me to care about people. It has allowed me to be kind and compassionate. It has also taught me not to be open because others may judge me. • Q: What is the hardest thing to deal with because of your illness? • A: The hardest thing to deal with is not being able to do the things that I love to do. • Q: What has it taught you? • A: It has taught me to be insecure. I know that it is not my fault that I have this illness, but its hard to remember, because I so passionate about life. It has also taught me to be thankful. • Q: What has been like having a mom with sickle cell anemia? • A: Mom was sick a lot, that sometimes she missed out on life events. She always made up for it though. • Q: How has mom’s illness molded your character? • A: Mom’s illness has taught me to be independent. I learned to take care of myself like how to cook and budget. • Q: What is the hardest thing to deal with because of mom’s illness? • A: The hardest thing to deal with is seeing mom in the hospital. • Q: What has her illness taught you? • A: Mom’s illness has taught me to live life to fullest without regrets.

10. Informational Poem • This poem I wrote compares myself to my older sister. This poem illustrates who we are to our mother, and our reactions to her illness. Both of us handle her illness in very different ways. Though we maybe be different we both have the same fear…

11. Informational poem • She is the oldest. • I the baby girl. • Both dealt the same mom in life. • A mom that fights a great strife .

12. Informational Poem • Mom calls her, her miracle. • For she was told, she would never bear, • the sweet rewarding gift of life. • Leaving her with her greatest fear.

13. Informational Poem • Mom calls me, her gift. • Though through my sister she witnessed a miracle. • God saw that her life wasn’t complete with out me. • So he add me, to our family.

14. Informational poem • She is fun-loving and outgoing. • Her life dance filled with passion. • Her deep care and love is her fashion. • She stands as our great protector to our mansion.

15. Informational poem • I am quiet and meek. • It is knowledge that I seek. • Calm and reliability is my link • that I offer to our weak.

16. Informational Poem • Though beautiful in our own way. • Life came fast and furious with its hard play. • Forcing us to run for cover. • My only regret is that we didn’t run to and then with each other.

17. Informational Poem • You left us alone because you couldn’t bear. • Facing your deepest fear. • You choose to leave me and mom own our own. • Setting a hurtful tone.

18. Informational poem • You chose to retreat alone. • into a dark hole. • It was your only safety. • So I am told.

19. Informational poem • I chose to spend all my time with her. • Carefully and meticulously crafting fur. • For the time I would have endure life’s • “cold bur”. • Preparing for when there was no more of our • life giving her.

20. Informational poem • I didn’t hide like you. • Is the lie that I tell. • So that my soul will be made well. • The truth is that I too fell.

21. Informational poem • My only regret then is we didn’t fall together. • If we did maybe we could have weathered • the threatening storm together.

22. Informational poem • After all it is the same storm • that we both wait on. • The one that is inevitable. The one we both fear.

23. Informational poem • The storm that has threatened us all our lives. • The reason for our cries. • The storm that will wash away our light, love, and joy. • Leaving pain in our eyes.

24. Informational poem • My prayer is that before it comes • we will build a bond. • A bond that worthy of sisters.

25. Informational poem • So when that day is here. • We will draw near • to each other.

26. Informational text • Forcing the other to stand in the light, • and not hide in our individual dark holes. • But rather take hold • of each other. • And brave our new world • without our mother.

27. A letter from big me to little me • To Little Alicia, • Our deepest fear growing up was if our mom died there would be no one there to take care of us. We couldn’t count on our father. He himself said that we have to prepare for the reality of mom dying. What did that mean you and I wondered. He didn’t verbally affirm that he would step up to the plate and take care of us. Throughout our maturation he sent us a message loud and clear that we weren’t his. When mom was sick in the hospital we stayed at friends’ homes. Though we were grateful for their sacrifice and love all we wanted was our dad. With dad came the freedom of being ourself. At friend’s home we worried about being polite and clean but at dad’s we could be unpolished and dirty. With dad, came the liberty of falling apart and mourning mom’s condition instead of holding it together with friendly “strangers”. But we never got that chance, to be secure in the safety of dad’s love. He was too busy working, and we-the responsibility were put on others. • I know little Alicia, you wonder if this pure desire of ours was too much to ask for. You wonder if called to sacrifice his comfortable life to include us that he would. You wanted assurance that he would carve out a special place for us, beyond weekends, work, and money. But most importantly you wanted our fear to have an answer. The fear if our mom passed away from a sickle cell anemia crisis, we would be taken care of. • I am sorry that you had to live with the insecurity that we wouldn’t be. But I am writing to you, to affirm that your life is full of love. To tell you that our dad, does love us. He cares, and wants to take care of us. He is proud of us. I pray that this will offer you my little self, peace and assurance. I choose to believe that while you were little and I was you, dad did and continues to care and love us deeply. I don’t have an answer as to why when you were alone, that there was no answer. But it is my choice to believe that our heavenly father knew that at this present time now, is when dad would step to plate, but it is now that we need him. But it also now that we can offer grace and love that covers a multitude of sin, hurt and disappointment to our dad because it is now that he most needs it. • Signed Big Alicia

28. Author’s Page • About Me • My name is Alicia Hedrington. I am a daughter of a mother with sickle cell anemia. Her disease has effect me in many was. This summer I was encouraged to let my little self cry and feel the hurt she couldn’t feel because of life circumstance. This project gave me the opportunity to mourn my mom’s disease and to share my vulnerability with others. I chose to do this project on my mom’s illness, because it is such a big part of my life. It is become normal to me, but I hadn’t yet mourn because I was so numb to the normalcy. My hope is that I will light the way for others to mourn their pain, hurt, and loss.

29. References • http://www.fanpop.com/clubs/candles/images/10333041/title/burning-candles-wallpaper • http://www.wallpaperhere.com/Shooting_Stars_2487/download_1280x1024 • http://beaconfallscongregational.org/site/christian-education/mustard-seed-faith-by-cri/ • http://doodleordeath.blogspot.com/ • http://www.flickr.com/groups/christian_photographer_fellowship/discuss/72157600316413971/ • http://thestir.cafemom.com/teen/136092/state_senate_declares_holding_hands?next=11 • http://blogs.tribune.com.pk/story/5470/running-away-from-our-saviours/ • http://www.daviddarling.info/encyclopedia/B/blackhole.html • http://detroit.cbslocal.com/top-lists/best-places-for-rain-gear-in-the-detroit-area/ • http://www.flickr.com/photos/scripper21/3361544362/ • http://ealiterature2012.blogspot.com/2012/11/contradicting-eyes.html • http://www.fusionknots.com/graphics/gallery/knots/Celtic%20Heart%20Knot.html