Discipline and Sibling Rivalry

1. Discipline and Sibling Rivalry James R. Meadows, Ph.D., Meadows Behavioral Health Tawnya Meadows, Ph.D. UNMC/Munroe-Meyer Institute

2. Why not calm/soothe the child? • Does not allow the child to learn self-quieting/calming skills • Provides “good attention” for inappropriate behavior • Sometimes backfires- gets ‘em more angry

3. Why not grounding? • Long term- does not allow for many learning trials • Dig themselves in a hole • Does not teach self-calming- may increase level of anger • Parents often forget what the kid was grounded from and for how long • Kids forget what they did in the first place to get grounded

4. Why not teach them a lesson?(natural consequences) • Something bad may not always happen • Safety issues (run out in the street) • Can not always use • May teach inappropriate behavior (if you bite me I will bite you)

5. So, then what? • Active Ignoring and Time-out • Removes all attention- the good and the bad • Helps teach self-calming and quieting skills • Immediate • Allows for multiple learning trials

6. Behavior Management • Predictability • Practice • Power of Contrast

9. Active Ignoring • Intended for more minor offenses (whining, complaining, sassing) • Consists of removing all attention from child, including eye contact, physical contact, and verbal language • Does not mean dirty looks, shaking your head, giving the eye • Last until child acts appropriately

10. Time-out • Used for noncompliance (warning), physical aggression (automatic), disruptive behavior, breaking rules, anger, temper tantrums • Consists of placing child in neutral space and removing all attention and fun (toys, juice, etc.) • 30 seconds - 2-3 minutes (even 15 secs.) • Can be used everywhere • Establish chair in boring corner • Ignore all behavior occurring in chair. • Attend to the first occasion of appropriate behavior after time-out is over.

11. Time Out • Advantages • Easy to do • Portable • Misconceptions • Time-out is a place for “cooling-off” • Time-out is a place for the child to think about what s/he did wrong • Children must sit still and be quiet • Children must look like they are sad for time-out to be “working” • Time-out is a place or a chair • Time-out works all by itself

12. Noncompliance • Give command “Please pick up your blocks” • Wait 5 seconds • Give command and warning “Pick up your blocks or time-out” • Wait 5 seconds • “Time-out for not listening”

14. Sibling Rivalry • Supervise play • Start with 5 minutes • gradually increase or decrease play according to behaviors • Reward appropriate play behaviors (praise, toys, snacks, etc.) every 15-30 seconds • Consequate inappropriate play behaviors using time-out

15. Sibling Rivalry Con’t • End play and introduce play at another time • Inappropriate play behaviors: • Hitting -- Snatching toys • Biting -- Throwing toys • Continue to monitor and reward appropriate play behaviors

16. Tips for Preventing/Minimizing Sibling Rivalry • Expecting a new baby • Knowledge of basic parenting skills • Children will imitate social behaviors they observe in others …Parents must be GOOD models! • Frequent, close, and accurate supervision  • Avoid over-identification • Above all, parents need to spend TIME with EACH ONE of their children • Fair but not equal • Avoid comparisons • Don't dismiss feelings

17. More Tips • Let siblings settle their own differences • Don’t take sides- It doesn’t matter “who started it,” because it takes two to make a quarrel.  Hold children equally responsible when ground rules get broken. • Ignore inappropriate- attend to appropriate! • When we can go the whole day or afternoon or evening, then everyone will earn a privilege • Children who are hungry, bored or tired are more likely to start fights • Don’t yell or lecture- it won’t help • Don’t typecast- let each child be who they are

18. . . .And More Tips • Develop a system for evenly distributing coveted privileges.  • Who gets to ride "shot gun" in the car • Who gets to push the elevator button • Who gets to chose where to go to eat lunch • Who gets to chose the television show, • Who does the dishes or takes out the trash • Kids need chances to do their own thing, play with their own friends without their sibling, and they need to have their space and property protected

19. . . . Still More Tips. . . • Teach social skills • Teach your kids positive ways to get attention from each other and how to approach another child and ask them to play • Ignoring the teasing • Simply agreeing (in a kidding way) that whatever the teaser is saying is true • Telling the teaser that enough is enough • When these measures aren't working ask the person in charge (parent, baby sitter) for help • When you are alone with each child, ask them once in a while what they like most and least about each brother and sister.  This will help you keep tabs on their relationships, and also remind you that they probably do have some positive feelings for each other!

20. Family Meeting • Have a Family Meeting • Discuss family issues, concerns, & positive events • Clarify the issue to be discussed • Generate possible solutions • Determine the most effective solutions • Make plans to implement the solution • Plan one fun activity for the coming week • Involve children in setting ground rules.  • No hurting (hitting, kicking, pinching, etc.) • No name-calling, yelling, or tattling • Any child that demands to be first, will go last • No making fun of a child who is being punished, or you get the same punishment • No fighting in the car, or you will pull over and stop until all is calm again

21. Discipline Check • Ask yourself: • Is the structure/are the consequences predictable? • Am I providing plenty of practice at good practice times? • Is there a high contrast?

22. Questions?

23. James Meadows, Ph.D. Meadows Behavioral Health (402) 270-4272 Tawnya Meadows, Ph.D. UNMC/MMI in partnership with CCH-Peds (402) 562-4444 Contact Information