Managing Sibling Rivalry

1. Managing Sibling Rivalry Sheri Frost & Jennifer Wolfrom April 6, 2011

2. Words for Thought “We do not love all our children the same way, and there is no need to pretend that we do. We love each child uniquely, and we do not have to labour so hard to cover it up.” Dr. Haim Ginott

3. Definition of Sibling Rivalry Sibling rivalry is antagonism between brothers and sisters that results in physical fighting, verbal hostility, teasing or bullying.

4. Healthy Sibling Rivalry Moderate levels of sibling rivalry can help children learn to: • Share • Compromise • Negotiate • Curb jealousy • Accept individual strengths and weaknesses Yes, the every-day arguing is annoying but ultimately normal and even healthy.

5. Factors Influencing Sibling Rivalry Psychologists believe that sibling rivalry comes from competition for parental attention, love and approval. Parental perceptions about their children’s roles in the family influence sibling competition: • Position in the family/birth order • Gender roles • Proximity in age • Number of siblings • Family dynamics • Boredom and stress • Cultural attitudes • Wanting attention • Perceptions of inequality

6. Strategies to Reduce Sibling Rivalry • Respect each child as unique; avoid comparing one child with another. • Schedule special time with each child; let them know that love multiplies, and is not divided among children. • Encourage each child to develop in all areas; avoid labeling according to his/her abilities. • Establish respect for each another’s property; foster sharing but allow for an individual’s own territory and possessions. • Be an impartial mediator; don’t take sides or pass judgment.

7. Impartiality Taking sides or passing judgment encourages tattling and doesn’t help children solve their own conflicts. Let each child present his/her side of the story uninterrupted; listen without judgment and repeat back each child’s viewpoint. TIP: Focusing on the victim or giving too much attention to the aggressor may in fact be reinforcing negative behaviors; get the back story first and whenever possible let your children work it out.

8. Strategies to Reduce Sibling Rivalry • Acknowledge problems and encourage the use of words to express anger. • Encourage children to find a mutually agreeable solution rather than intervene. • Intervene only when you sense that someone will get hurt. • Develop a system for evenly distributing coveted privileges (riding “shot-gun”, picking the TV show to watch, pushing the elevator button). • Explain that fairness doesn’t mean equality.

9. Fairness Fairness does not mean treating your children equally. Inevitably you will treat your children, who have different personalities, dispositions and roles in the family, differently. Children get what they need when they need it. It is not going to be equal across the board. For example: different bed times, different extracurricular activities, different types of parental assistance, etc.

10. Intervention Whenever possible, don’t get involved. If your children expect you to help or come to the rescue, you risk creating other problems (including the perception that you are protecting or favoring one child over the other) and discourage them from learning to work out the problems on their own. If you have to step in, try to resolve problems with your kids, not for them.

11. Mediation Tricks • Let one child divide the item (such as pieces of cake, candy, etc.) and the other picks first. • Toss a coin; let one child pick heads or tails and the other tosses. • The kid that goes first has a shorter turn. • Suggest that your children come to an agreement before you impose one on them (i.e., find a way to share the toy or no one gets it). • Post a schedule for who gets to pick the TV show or video game on which days/times.

12. Things to Watch Out For • Limit your use of the older sibling as caregiver for the younger ones. • Don’t force the older sibling to include the younger one in his/her activities; it builds resentment on the part of the older child. • Don’t insist that all children in the family do the same activities all the time; you may be setting up competition. • Don’t allow name calling, teasing or physical aggression; encourage respect for each other. • Be alert to the need to protect each child’s personal possessions and friendships. • Remember to catch your children cooperating; draw attention to the appropriate behavior.

13. When to Seek Help • Serious attempts at reducing sibling rivalry have failed. • Siblings physically harm each other. • Siblings constantly tease and belittle or bully each other. • One or more children in the family seem to have behavioral problems at home or school. • Siblings gang up on one child in the family. • The level of sibling rivalry appears to be destructive to any family member.

14. What kinds of situations are happening in your house?

15. Strategies for Handling Sibling Rivalry • Avoid comparisons • Give each child individual attention time • Encourage mutual respect and individuality • Stay out of conflicts when possible • Intervene only as an impartial mediator • Discourage “it’s not fair!” arguments • Empower your children to work out a mutual agreeable solution • Practice Active Listening and validate feelings