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NANC Biblical Counseling Class

NANC Biblical Counseling Class. Lesson 9: Communication, Conflict Resolution & Biblical Sexuality. IX. Communication. A. The Significance of Communication. The greatest cause of trouble in marriage is ultimately: Ultimately, selfishness (sin) Functionally, poor communication

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NANC Biblical Counseling Class

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  1. NANC Biblical Counseling Class Lesson 9: Communication, Conflict Resolution & Biblical Sexuality

  2. IX. Communication

  3. A. The Significance of Communication • The greatest cause of trouble in marriage is ultimately: • Ultimately, selfishness (sin) • Functionally, poor communication • What happens in a marriage relationship when husbands and wives don’t communicate effectively? • The relationship is superficial and shallow • Boredom sets in • Wise decision making ceases • Issues remain unclear

  4. A. The Significance of Communication • Wrong ideas are uncorrected • Disagreements turn into conflicts • Conflicts remain unresolved • Unresolved conflicts turn into bitterness and hostility • Our spouse may seek out someone else to communicate with

  5. B. What is communication? • “A process of sharing information with another person in such a way that the sender’s message is understood in the way he intended it to be understood.” - Wayne Mack • Two biblical additions: • So that the other person is built up • And is given grace

  6. C. 4 Rules of Communication • #1 – Speak the truth in love (Eph. 4:15, 25) • Speak - we must speak because people cannot read our minds. “Clamming up” is not an option. Evading and avoiding when we should be speaking is dishonoring to God. • Speak the truth - Honesty is more than just not lying – we can be dishonest by: • Deceit – purposely making things look differently in order to look better, get your way, etc. • Exaggeration – adding to the truth, usually to make us look better than we really are – phrases such as “always,” “never,” “everyone” can often mean that we are exaggerating

  7. C. 4 Rules of Communication • Evasion – not telling the truth by avoiding, by changing the subject, by “blowing up” or bursting into tears to avoid having to deal with the real issue • Camouflage – disguising the real message or using innuendo – not being “up front” or “direct.” • Half Truth – only telling half or part of what really is true • Speak the truth in love – “in love” means: • Be careful what you say • Be careful how you say it • Be careful how much you say • Be careful when and where you say it • Be careful why you are saying it

  8. C. 4 Rules of Communication • #2 – Reconcile conflicts quickly (Eph. 4:26-27) • “When you’re angry, don’t sin further by not reconciling. Repent of your anger and reconcile before the sun goes down” • Failure in attempting to solve each day’s problems quickly is sin. Don’t carry them over into tomorrow (Matt. 6:34). • Failure to solve problems quickly: • Opens the way to resentment, hatred, bitterness • Distorts subsequent problems • Endangers the sexual relationship • Sets the stage for spiritual discouragement

  9. C. 4 Rules of Communication • Questions to ask before bring up an issue: • Do I have all the facts right? (Prov. 18:13, 15) • What is my motive for bringing it up? (Prov. 27:6, Matt. 12:34b) • Have I dealt with my own logs (sins) first? (Matt. 7:1-5) • Is this something that my love should cover? (has it already been dealt with?) – (1 Peter 4:8) • Are my words loving? (rehearsing can be helpful) – (Eph. 4:15, Prov. 15:1) • Is my timing right? (Prov. 15:23b, 25:11) • Have I prayed and asked God for wisdom and understanding? (Prov. 3:5, Phil. 4:6-7, 1 Thes. 5:17) • Note the sobering warning! (Eph. 4:27)

  10. C. 4 Rules of Communication • #3 – Speak to build up, not to tear down (Eph. 4:29-30) • “unwholesome words” – putrid, rotting, destructive • “edification” – words that build up and help • Put off wrong goals: • Make sure I’m heard • Get my way • Win the argument • Hurt the other person • Make myself look good • Manipulate

  11. C. 4 Rules of Communication • What is the goal of biblical communication? • Build up the other person • Give them grace • Make sure your words are timely and appropriate to the need • Be solution oriented. Attack the problem, not the person. • Don’t grieve the Holy Spirit! (v. 30)

  12. C. 4 Rules of Communication • #4 Respond biblically, don’t react sinfully (Eph. 4:31-32) • Man’s anger does not achieve the righteousness of God (James 1:20) • Anger in all its forms must be put off. Learn to unmask anger for what it is: • Miss hurt, upset, offended, bothered, annoyed • Mr. irritated, resentful, Irate, enraged, got up on the wrong side of the bed • Mrs. Disturbed, frustrated, disappointed, ticked off, displeased

  13. C. 4 Rules of Communication • Anger can be: • Bitterness (to revenge) • Wrath (a flaring outburst) • Anger (settled indignation, slow burn -> hostility) • Clamor (harsh contention, loud quarreling or yelling) • Slander (speech that injures) • Malice (desire to harm someone else, evil intent) • Don’t blame shift, get defensive, minimize, or run away. Deal with your anger.

  14. C. 4 Rules of Communication • Replace anger with: • Kindness (courteous, useful, benevolent, “wanting to help”) • Tender-heartedness (compassionate, having a “good heart”) • Forgiving (give up right to hold a grudge or stay upset) • Let God’s forgiveness be both the motivation and model for your forgiveness of others.

  15. X. Conflict Resolution

  16. A. A Biblical Perspective on Conflicts • Understand disagreements: • Disagreements should be expected • The flesh is weak (Rom. 6:19) • We struggle with sin, even as believers (Rom. 7:15-20) • Disagreements do not need to turn into conflicts • Mature Christians can have a right attitude – God can help to reveal wrong attitudes (Phil. 3:15) • The difference between a disagreement and a conflict is that a conflict involves a sinful desire, attitude, or response to a disagreement (this often manifests itself in various emotions which reveal a sinful heart-attitude) • No disagreement, no matter how important, is worth sinning over. Pride and selfishness are often at the root of the problem

  17. A. A Biblical Perspective on Conflicts • Disagreements can be beneficial • The word of God spreads (Acts 6:1-7) • God works all things for good (Rom. 8:28) • Produces endurance and maturity (James 1:2-5) • We are sharpened by others (Prov. 27:17) • Others: • They help us be aware of our own sinfulness • They cause us to search the Scriptures (Is. 8:19-20, Prov. 18:1-2) • They stimulate us to turn to God in prayerThey help us think carefully about our view • They help us learn to communicate more effectively • They give an opportunity to practice real servanthood

  18. A. A Biblical Perspective on Conflicts • They present an opportunity to glorify God by our righteous response • If a disagreement does turn into a conflict, it can be resolved • Understand how disagreements turn into conflicts • Conflicts often develop out of the soil of differences (background, personal tendencies, different male/female views, perspectives, convictions, likes, dislikes, etc.) • Conflicts develop because we respond sinfully to these differences (the differences aren’t the real problem, our wrong response is)

  19. A. A Biblical Perspective on Conflicts • We mistreat and abuse others because we are more concerned about satisfying our own passions than we are in worshipping God (Rom. 1:21-32) • We have fleshly, sinful desires (Gal. 5:19-21) • We want something. We think we should have it. We think we deserve it. We must have it. We have a right to it. (James 3:14-4:3) • We have other “idols” in our heart which take the place of God (Ezek. 14:1-9) • Conflicts can develop when one person is committed to righteousness (ie, honoring God by responding the right way) and the other person is opposed

  20. A. A Biblical Perspective on Conflicts • Be committed to the practical Lordship of Jesus Christ • The goal is to honor and please Christ (2 Cor. 5:9) • The means is by obeying what His Word says. This brings: • A common standard by which to evaluate conflicts • A common goal in conflicts • A common means to solve conflicts • A common ability to resolve conflicts through the Holy Spirit

  21. A. A Biblical Perspective on Conflicts • Develop certain peacemaking qualities (Rom. 12:18, Eph. 4:1-3) • Avoid and eliminate things that foster disharmony (don’t be picky, don’t be hard to live with) • Work hard at doing the things that facilitate unity (be precise in skills, but easy to please in preferences)

  22. B. A Biblical Procedure for Resolving Conflicts • Glorify God (1 Cor. 10:31, 2 Cor. 5:9) • Deal with your own sins first (Matt. 7:1-5) • Identify and repent of your “logs” • This brings: • Clarity • Ability • Humility • Repent and seek forgiveness (Luke 17:3-4) • Rebuke • Definition - “a gentle and gracious confrontation of sin which is motivated by love and has reconciliation as its goal” • Confrontation of sin through a rebuke is necessary because believers don’t always recognize when they have sinned • Confrontation is commanded

  23. B. A Biblical Procedure for Resolving Conflicts • How and how not to confront: Confront… • As a fellow brother • Out of love for God and the person • With the glory of God in view • Not in anger • Not with a prideful heart • Not rude, but gentle and gracious • Not over preference issues or issues that aren’t sin • With the goal of restoration, not punishment • Questions to ask yourself before you confront: • Is the issue clearly sin? • Is my own heart right? • Have I asked God for wisdom & help? • Have I thought through the right words and the right timing?

  24. B. A Biblical Procedure for Resolving Conflicts • Confess & repent of sin (Ken Sande, The Peacemaker) • Address all involved (including God! – Ps. 51:4) • Avoid making excuses • Admit specifically • Acknowledge the hurt • Accept the consequences • Alter your behavior • Ask for forgiveness • Grant forgiveness • Is forgiveness conditional or unconditional?

  25. B. A Biblical Procedure for Resolving Conflicts • Luke 17:3-4 deals with the transaction of forgiveness • Definition – “a pardon and a promise regarding sin committed” • Forgiveness is a four-fold promise: I will not dwell on this incident I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you I will not speak with others about this incident I will not all this incident to stand between us or hinder our personal relationship

  26. B. A Biblical Procedure for Resolving Conflicts • Deal with the precipitating issue: • Pray • State the problem • Decide what things can be agreed upon • Identify the type of issue and the appropriate response: • Is it a difference or preference? – tolerate and prefer one another (Phil. 2:3-4) • Is it a sin? – rebuke, repent, and reconcile • Not sure? – commit to study Scripture together and solicit godly counsel if necessary

  27. XI. Biblical Sexuality

  28. A. Principle #1 – Sex in marriage is pure and holy • It was created by God before sin entered the world (Gen. 1:28, 2:24-25) • It was still called honorable after sin had entered the world (Prov. 5:18-19, Heb. 13:4) • God created sex to be an honorable thing that a husband and wife can enjoy within the context of their marriage. In fact, since physical intimacy is created by God and commanded by God, it is an act of worship which husbands and wives should do for God’s glory.

  29. A. Principle #1 – Sex in marriage is pure and holy • A test: Do you view sexual relations in marriage to be as holy as: • Praying • reading the Bible • preaching • giving • teaching a Sunday school class • Since sexual relations are holy and are an act of worship, they are just as righteous as any of the above activities

  30. B. Principle #2 – Sex is not the basis for marriage. Marriage is not first and foremost a physical union • While sex is part of marriage, sex does not equal marriage. A man who has sexual relations with a harlot (1 Cor. 6) may become “one flesh” with her physically in the encounter, but clearly they are by no means married • Unity in marriage is much more than just sexual relations (see the 7 purposes of marriage in “The Biblical Basis for Marriage”)

  31. C. Principle #3 – The primary goal of the sexual relationship is giving – providing sexual satisfaction for your spouse • 1 Corinthians 7:3 • The context – Paul is responding to a question the Corinthians asked • The word “fulfill” – a command to “give fully, completely, without reluctance, hesitation, or inhibition” • The word “duty” – a duty “with the idea of doing good to the other person” • The command is the same for both husbands and wives

  32. C. Principle #3 – The primary goal of the sexual relationship is giving – providing sexual satisfaction for your spouse • This is taught by the definition of biblical love – “giving” • Biblical love is about giving, not about being selfish (1 Cor. 13:4-5, cf. 1 John 3:16) • Giving with the intention of getting is selfish • The greatest pleasure is in giving (Acts 20:35). Pursuing that pleasure through giving is not selfish but is instead part of the joy that comes when one chooses to serve God and honor Him. • How do you know what pleases your spouse? – You must talk about it! – Communication is the key

  33. D. Principle #4 – God has created both husband and wife with equal ability to satisfy each other (1 Cor 7:4) • The word “authority” – means control – in the area of intimacy, the husband has the “control” over his wife’s body such that he can please her. Likewise, the wife has the “control” over her husband’s body such that she can please him. • Both husband and wife have the same command. The wife, as well as the husband, should seek to initiate the pleasing of each other • But don’t husbands and wives have different levels of sexual desire? • God’s word teaches you to sexually satisfy your mate, not focusing on your own level of desire • To refuse to consistently use your body to satisfy your mate is really rebellion against what God has said • Sexual relationships are to be equal and reciprocal

  34. E. Principle #5 - Sexual relations are to be regular and continuous (1 Cor 7:5) • “depriving” – this refers to a failure to “fulfill duty” for selfish reasons • Abstinence is by mutual consent • Guidelines for refraining: • Both must agree • For a specific period of time • For a spiritual purpose • The frequency of sexual relations • Enough to satisfy each other (1 Cor. 7:4, Prov. 5:19) • Enough to avoid temptation (1 Cor. 7:5) • But considerate, preferring each other (Phil. 2:3-4)

  35. E. Principle #5 - Sexual relations are to be regular and continuous (1 Cor 7:5) • Limitations on sexual activity – what can a couple do or not do? • Do not violate biblical commands • Unselfish love must be the motive (1 Cor. 13:4-7) • Must be based on mutual agreement (Phil. 2:1-4) • Follow the principle of mutual submission (Eph. 5:21, Phil. 2:1-4) • Do not cause your spouse to violate his/her conscience (Rom. 14:23)

  36. F. Principle #6 – Pleasure in sex is not sinful and forbidden but is rather assured and encouraged (Prov 5:18-19) • Delight in the person • “wife” (although the principle applies to either mate) • “loving hind and graceful doe” – this is a picture of the pleasantness of your mate • Delight in the sexual relationship • the context makes it clear that this is restricted to marriage • “satisfy” – has the idea of thirst being quenched – being completely satisfied • “exhilarated” – literally, “intoxicated” – overwhelmed with satisfaction • 1 Cor. 7:3-4 – each is to provide this type of satisfaction to each other – it is to be considered a delightful task

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