Revising for Ideas

1. Revising for Ideas Depth is better than breadth. A string of advice is not what colleges are looking for. Vague writing implies a lack of knowledge and/or experience. Vague implies BS.

2. Show... Not tell.

3. Why... • “A picture creates a thousand words” • paint the picture so your reader remembers you • Images are more powerful than mere words

4. How... • Use sensory language • Use dialogue • Choose an example (story, image, description, evidence) to support an idea

5. Examples by Rebekah Kaplan: • Telling: The girls were excited. • Showing: Giggles and screams filled the arena. The soft curls were now damp with perspiration and the anticipation of the event. They held tight to each other in a mock effort to contain themselves. Arms flailed upward, and voices echoed in varying tones. The moment was here. • Telling: The room was vacant. • Showing: The door opened with a resounding echo that seemed to fill the house. Cob webs once attached flowed freely in the air as the open door brought light to a well worn floor. The light gave notice to the peeling paint on the walls and to the silhouettes once covered by pictures. The new air gave life to a stuffiness that entrapped the room. Faded and torn white sheets covered once new furniture now drowning in dust.

6. Examples by Bill Pangle: • The pizza was delicious. • Steam rising up off the melted cheese made my mouth water. The first bite, my teeth sinking into the cheese through the tomato sauce and into the moist crust, made me chew and swallow rapidly. Even the cheese and tomato sauce, sticking to my fingertips, begged to be licked. • He is angry. • Sitting at his desk, his jaw tightened. His eyes flashed heat waves at me. The words erupted from his mouth, "I want to talk to you after class." The final hiss in his voice warned me about his feelings.

7. Examples by Bill Pangle: • The morning was beautiful. • Behind the mountains, the sun peaked brightly, ready to start a new day. The blue sky remained silent yet showed signs of sadness. The wind whispered through the trees as the cheerful sun rose. The birds sang gently by my window as if they wanted to wake me up. • The coffee was enjoyable. • She cradled the mug in both hands and leaned her head over it in the rising steam. Pursing her lips, she blew softly over the clouded surface and let her eyelids drop. Her shoulders rose slightly as she breathed in, and she hummed with her head low. I lifted the tiny porcelain pitcher and poured a brief rotating arch of white into the black depths of my own cup. She opened her eyes, and we looked at each other across the table without speaking.

8. Example: • Tell us about a value you have. • Tell: Family is important to me. • Show: The call jutted into the night at 3am, waking me from a sleepy bliss of dreams. Rolling over in my down comforter, I wiped off the dried drool from my cheek and reached for the cold phone. Placing it shockingly against my warmed ears, the words I dreaded pierced me: “Mary, I need help.” It did not matter it was 3am. It did not matter I was 100 miles away. It did not matter my bed enveloped me. What mattered was my mom. “I’m on my way.”

9. Danger... • Less is more: • showing not tell will require more words, so choose your examples wisely • they MUST support your larger idea you are trying to convey.

10. Revision: