Revising Sentences for Clarity

1. Revising Sentences for Clarity • Short Sentences • General Language • Specialized Language • Noun Strings • Prepositional Phrases • Punctuation Flaws Whitmore/Stevenson: Strategies for Engineering Communication

2. Short Sentences How old is the writer of the following passage? I watched your show called Discovery. It was about spiders. Don’t kill the spiders. I know you have to catch them for medicine. But only catch some spiders. I just don’t think it’s fair. Also, you have to be very, very careful around tarantulas and black widows. Another reason why is because if you hurt them they’ll hurt you. I like spiders. But to tell you the truth, not very much. Whitmore/Stevenson: Strategies for Engineering Communication

3. Short Sentences Market conditions are very unstable. Business reacts quickly to the price of pulp and paper. Capital spending by pulp and paper mills is known to be cut off immediately that pulp prices drop. Engineering projects can be stopped with little notice. The technology is relatively stable. (Average sentence length = 9 words.) Whitmore/Stevenson: Strategies for Engineering Communication

4. Short Sentences Market conditions are very unstable as indicated by how quickly business reacts to the price of pulp and paper. Because mills sometimes cut off capital spending immediately when pulp prices drop, engineering projects can be stopped with little notice. The technology is relatively stable, however. (Average sentence length = 15 words.) Whitmore/Stevenson: Strategies for Engineering Communication

5. Short Sentences Leadership in an individual is the degree to which several qualities are exhibited. These qualities include innovation, organization and motivation. Our managers and associates exhibit varying degrees of leadership but commonly are high in innovation. Whitmore/Stevenson: Strategies for Engineering Communication

6. Short Sentences Individuals exhibit leadership through such qualities as innovation, organization, and motivation are exhibited. Our managers and associates exhibit varying degrees of leadership but commonly are high in innovation. Whitmore/Stevenson: Strategies for Engineering Communication

7. General Language Approximately 60% of our work is of a repeat nature with only minor variations. This repeat work is specifically of the inspection and quality control type and does not require higher education. Whitmore/Stevenson: Strategies for Engineering Communication

8. General Language Approximately 60% of our work involves repetitious inspection and quality control that does not require higher education. Whitmore/Stevenson: Strategies for Engineering Communication

9. General Language Whitmore/Stevenson: Strategies for Engineering Communication

10. General Language (cont’d) Whitmore/Stevenson: Strategies for Engineering Communication

11. Example of Gobbledegook In effect, it was hypothesized that certain physical data categories including housing types and densities, land use characteristics, and ecological location, constitute a scaleable content area. This could be called a continuum of residential desirabilities. Likewise, it was hypothesized that several social strata categories, describing the same census tracts, and referring generally to the social stratification system of the city, would also be scaleable. This scale could be called a continuum of socioeconomic status. It was also hypothesized that there would be a high positive correlation between the scale type of each continuum. Whitmore/Stevenson: Strategies for Engineering Communication

12. Gobbledegook Translated Wealthy people live in nice homes in desirable neighborhoods while poor people live in substandard housing in run-down neighborhoods. Whitmore/Stevenson: Strategies for Engineering Communication

13. Example of Doublespeak To service the target, the theater was entered and a package of ordnance was delivered. Subsequently, a BDA was undertaken in order to assess the softening of enemy assets. It was observed that the ordnance was incontinent thereby leading to some collateral damage. Whitmore/Stevenson: Strategies for Engineering Communication

14. Doublespeak Translated We dropped bombs on the enemy and then later looked to see if we killed them, but we missed and blew up civilians instead. Whitmore/Stevenson: Strategies for Engineering Communication

15. Suggestions for Using Acronyms • Introduce acronyms, providing the words they replace the first time you use them. • Do not define common acronyms such as IBM or DOS • Limit your use of acronyms, restricting the number in individual sentences. • Repeat the words acronyms replace periodically and use few if any acronyms in introductions, conclusions, abstracts, and executive summaries. • Provide a glossary if your report has many acronyms. Whitmore/Stevenson: Strategies for Engineering Communication

16. Acronyms This letter provides a summary of the results of dispersion modeling of ETBM emissions from the site, and a description of the approaches taken to estimate the ETBM emissions, to conduct the dispersion modeling and to prepare the contour plots of ambient ethyl tertiary butyl methylene (ETBM) concentrations Whitmore/Stevenson: Strategies for Engineering Communication

17. Acronyms This letter summarizes the results of dispersion modeling the ethyl tertiary butyl methelyne (ETBM) emissions from the site and describes the approaches for estimating ETBM emissions, conducting dispersion modeling, and preparing contour plots of ambient ETBM concentrations. Whitmore/Stevenson: Strategies for Engineering Communication

18. Acronyms Any requirements agreed upon by DOD and FAA after the baseline of the SS and IRDs are placed into concept papers called ORDDs. Whitmore/Stevenson: Strategies for Engineering Communication

19. Acronyms Any requirements agreed upon by DOD and FAA after the baseline of the Segment Specifications and Interface Requirement Documents are placed into concept papers called ORDDs [????]. Whitmore/Stevenson: Strategies for Engineering Communication

20. Noun Strings The parent company is a worldwide data network provider service company. Whitmore/Stevenson: Strategies for Engineering Communication

21. Noun Strings The parent company is a service company that provides data networks worldwide. Or? The parent company provides and services worldwide data networks Whitmore/Stevenson: Strategies for Engineering Communication

22. Noun Strings The wind pattern was further illustrated following a recovery boiler electrostatic precipitator fire at the site in 1988. Whitmore/Stevenson: Strategies for Engineering Communication

23. Noun Strings The wind pattern was further illustrated following a fire in the electrostatic precipitator of a recovery boiler at the site in 1988. Whitmore/Stevenson: Strategies for Engineering Communication

24. Noun Strings The dispersion model calculated twenty-four hour averaged concentrations assume continuous operations over that twenty-four hour period. Whitmore/Stevenson: Strategies for Engineering Communication

25. Noun Strings The averaged twenty-four hour concentrations calculated using the dispersion model assume continuous operations over that twenty-four hour period. Whitmore/Stevenson: Strategies for Engineering Communication

26. Noun Strings Because the predicted ambient total suspended particulate concentrations met Department of Environment, Lands and Parks' Level B ambient air quality objectives, a further evaluation was not required. Whitmore/Stevenson: Strategies for Engineering Communication

27. Noun Strings Because the predicted total concentrations of ambient suspended particulates met the level B ambient air quality objectives mandated by the Department of Environment, Lands and Parks, a further evaluation was not required. Whitmore/Stevenson: Strategies for Engineering Communication

28. Noun Strings Team members must understand that behavior oriented activities are just as important as task oriented activities. Whitmore/Stevenson: Strategies for Engineering Communication

29. Noun Strings Team members must understand that behavior-oriented activities are just as important as task-oriented activities. Whitmore/Stevenson: Strategies for Engineering Communication

30. Noun Strings Hence, a method must be devised to alleviate the slow response performance problem. Whitmore/Stevenson: Strategies for Engineering Communication

31. Noun Strings Hence, a method must be devised to speed up the response. Whitmore/Stevenson: Strategies for Engineering Communication

32. Prepositional Phrases More detailed analysis, using Cepstrum technique, is applied based on computation of the power spectrum of the logarithm of the power spectrum of the vibration data obtained from the accelerometer on the truck frame in different positions. Whitmore/Stevenson: Strategies for Engineering Communication

33. Prepositional Phrases A more detailed analysis uses Cepstrum technique to compute the power spectrum as a logarithm of the various vibration spectra measured by the accelerometer at different positions on the truck's frame. Whitmore/Stevenson: Strategies for Engineering Communication

34. Prepositional Phrases Another component needed for the completion of the project is the reassignment of project team members to the next project and the rewarding of team members for their role in the project. Whitmore/Stevenson: Strategies for Engineering Communication

35. Prepositional Phrases Another component needed to complete the project involves reassigning project team members to the next project and rewarding them for their role in the project. Whitmore/Stevenson: Strategies for Engineering Communication

36. Prepositional Phrases One example of the effects of such a lack of effective strategies, project orientation, and interdepartmental cooperation is our low morale. Whitmore/Stevenson: Strategies for Engineering Communication

37. Prepositional Phrases For example, because we lack effective strategies, project orientation, and interdepartmental cooperation, our morale is low. Whitmore/Stevenson: Strategies for Engineering Communication

38. Prepositional Phrases The emission requests cannot be accommodated at this time because the emission inventory is neither sufficiently advanced nor intended to allow for temporal variation or for identification of a rationale for each occurrence of a high emission rate and/or ambient concentrations. Whitmore/Stevenson: Strategies for Engineering Communication

39. Prepositional Phrases At this time, the emission requests cannot be accommodated because the emission inventory is not sufficiently advanced and does not allow for temporal variations. Moreover, the inventory does not permit identifying the cause of each high emission rate and/or ambient concentration. Whitmore/Stevenson: Strategies for Engineering Communication

40. Punctuation A precision full-wave rectifier is constructed using precision diodes and a square-wave generator is assembled using a schmitt trigger. Whitmore/Stevenson: Strategies for Engineering Communication

41. Punctuation A precision full-wave rectifier is constructed using precision diodes, and a square-wave generator is assembled using a schmitt trigger. Whitmore/Stevenson: Strategies for Engineering Communication

42. Punctuation By participating more in scheduling release dates can be planned so that projects dovetail. Whitmore/Stevenson: Strategies for Engineering Communication

43. Punctuation By participating more in scheduling, release dates can be planned so that projects dovetail. Whitmore/Stevenson: Strategies for Engineering Communication