Kelly McDaniel LPC, NCC, CSAT Women, Sex, and Addiction

1. Kelly McDaniel LPC, NCC, CSATWomen, Sex, and Addiction Louisville, Kentucky August 2009

2. Naming the Disease: What Is Sex and Love Addiction? • Romance addiction • Relationship addiction • Co-addiction • Love addiction • Sex addiction • Illusion of love

3. Love and Sex Addiction: A Dis-ease of Cultural Inheritance “Our culture gives girls the message that their bodies, their lives, and their femaleness demand an apology.” Dr. Christian Northrup, Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom

4. Love and Sex Addiction: A Dis-ease of Psychological Isolation “Clinical experience informs us that one of the most, if not the most, terrifying human experiences is psychological isolation” Dr. Jean Baker Miller

5. Culture and Addiction • Cultural influences for women often are minimized or overlooked when a woman is facing an addiction • Addiction, however, is a powerful coping strategy for living in a culture that does not give women the same status as men • Addiction, at first, is a method of compensating for inherited powerlessness

6. Damaging Beliefs—The Fuel for Addiction “Healing cannot occur for women until they have critically examined and changed some of the beliefs and assumptions that we all unconsciously inherit and internalize from our culture.” Northrup, Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom

7. Harmful Beliefs forSex and Love Addicts • I am a bad, unworthy person • No one would love me as I am • If I have to rely on others to meet my needs, they will not be met • Sex is my most important need; or my most important sign of love; or my most terrifying need Dr. Patrick Carnes, [Book]

8. The Four Cultural Beliefs • I must be good in order to be worthy of love • If I am sexual, I am bad • I am not really a woman unless someone desires me sexually and/or romantically • I must be sexual to be lovable Kelly McDaniel, LPC

9. Cultural Belief #1 I must be good to be worthy of love

10. Adolescent girls “are expected to sacrifice … parts of themselves … on the altar of social acceptability and to shrink their souls down to a petite size.”

11. Cultural Belief #1 • “Indoctrination into the code of goodness” • Largely unchanged since the 1950s • Code of goodness is basic training for girls • Sexuality becomes a way for girls to go around the code of goodness and feel powerful

12. Cultural Belief #2 If I am sexual I am bad

13. Cultural Belief #2

14. Cultural Belief #3 I am not really a woman unless someone desires me sexually or romantically

15. Beauty and Desire

16. Cultural Belief #3 “I never felt beautiful, so I always needed to find a way to make a man notice me. Sometimes I could do this by the way I dressed or by being flirtatious. Sometimes, I used intelligence. When I got a man’s attention, I felt better…more powerful. More like me. The intensity of a man’s attention was intoxicating. Without it, I didn’t know myself and I couldn’t function very well. From the attention I gained energy and strength. I felt like a woman because I was wanted. But I never felt safe. I could never trust. I didn’t realize the reason I couldn’t trust him was because I couldn’t trust me….I wasn’t sure how far I would go to earn a man’s attention. I never knew how much of me I would sacrifice for him.” [Jane] McDaniel, Ready to Heal.

17. Cultural Belief #4 I must be sexual to be lovable

18. “Seductive or pornographic images of women abound on television, in advertising, in family oriented catalogs— in short, everywhere.”

19. Cultural Belief #4:I Must Be Sexual to Be Lovable “Women have been taught to disconnect from sexual feelings, to hate, only secretly enjoy, or feel ashamed of them …” Charlotte Kasl

20. Cultural Belief #4 • Sex happens fast in the movies • Sexual intensity is marketed as sexual intimacy • Many of us learn how to be sexual and romantic from TV and film • Sex as love becomes fused in our minds

21. A Cultural Double Bind A double bind is defined as: “a psychological impasse created when contradictory demands are made of an individual so that no matter which directive is followed, the response will be construed as incorrect…a punishing and inescapable dilemma.”

22. Cultural contractions set up a sexual double bind for women.

23. Using sex to meet brain needs • Women have a larger communication center in their brains than men • Emotional center is larger in a female brain • Her brain insists that communication, connection, and emotional sensitivity are primary values • Her culture does not. Her mate may not. She will find a way to create an illusion of connection even if it means exterminating her relational needs. This will make her angry and depressed.

24. Sex and Love Addiction—A Result of the Double Bind • Sex and love addiction is a desperate attempt to live within narrow, damaging sexual margins • It’s not about morality • It’s a disease of cultural inheritance • To cope with a double bind, a woman lives a double life

25. Addiction thrives in contradiction and isolation

26. A Dis-ease of Psychological Isolation “Clinical experience informs us that one of the most, if not the most, terrifying human experiences is psychological isolation” Dr. Jean Baker Miller

27. Psychological IsolationCreates Shame • Psychological isolation is more than being alone • It is the feeling of being “locked out” of human connection • It is the belief you’re shut out of a relationship because there’s something wrong with you • The word “loneliness” does not quite capture the shame of psychological isolation

28. Words from a Recovering Woman “It’s one thing if I’m addicted to a man or sex…it’s another thing if it’s because I’m lonely. That must mean I’m a total loser.” McDaniel, Ready to Heal

29. Strangers to Connection • A child will go through amazing psychological gymnastics to avoid the pain of psychological isolation • For a child, loneliness feels like death • When children experience terrifying isolation, they think it’s their fault • Psychological isolation creates shame and a belief that “something is wrong with me”

30. Mother Daughter Brain • Because of her ability to observe and feel emotional cues, a girl actually incorporates her mother’s nervous system into her own. • The “nervous system environment” a girl absorbs during her first two years becomes a view of reality that will affect her for the rest of her life L. Brizendine, M.D. “The Female Brain” • “epigentic imprinting”: absorbed by cellular microcircuitry at the neurological level

31. “Little girls do not tolerate flat faces”“The Female Brain “ L. Brezendine M. D. • Connecting through talking activates the pleasure center in a girl’s brain: major dopamine and oxytocin rush • Rush similar to orgasm • Her brain is designed for social bonding. A machine built for connection. • A girl can read from facial expression whether or not she is being listened to. She knows before you do if your mind is wandering or not. • These skills have been diminished/called dependency in patriarchal culture that values competition and strength more than connection.

33. Isolation and Human Bonding • Psychological isolation produces fear. • In isolation, a child will not fully develop proper neuronal connections necessary for human bonding and attachment. • First 3 months of life: female skills in eye contact and face gazing grow 400 percent; skills do not grow for boys during this time.

34. Chronic fear causes significant problems for a child’s brain chemistry and self-development. “for the infant and young child, attachment relationships are the major environmental factors that shape the development of the brain …human connections create neuronal connections.” Dr. Daniel Siegal, The Developing Mind

35. Impediments to Healing • Cultural shame • Psychological shame • Terror • Strategies of Disconnection • Mother wound • Fractured friendships • No place for a self

36. Addiction: The most powerful strategy of disconnection • A woman needs a relationship to have a self, so she merges with her addictive substance or process. • She finally feels connected: warm, energized, and more like herself • All addictions are in service to her need for connection • How do we as professionals replace the addictive relationship?

37. Respect for Strategies of Disconnection • Understand the need for strategies of disconnection • Know they are born from terror • Know she must have a safe relationship before abandoning her strategies • This takes a long time • She must feel desperately ready to change • She needs you to hold the container for healthy relationship. Be a model.

38. Strategies of DisconnectionLet me count the ways….. • Being overly nice or compliant • Being overly powerful or argumentative • Using food, work, or other substances/processes to escape feelings • List your favorite strategies: • _________________________________ • _________________________________ • _________________________________

39. Model and Mother • Understand the relational template with Mom • Know the devastation of mother wound • Expect addictive behavior with women to be avoidant and/or intense. • Be the safe, boundaried Mom • Explore your own mother wound

40. Mother Blame A dangerous path • Understanding the mother wound is about shame reduction and relational understanding • It is not about blaming women, which ultimately furthers self-hatred • All mothers are products of the cultural double bind • Replacement mothers are part of sexual healing

41. Motherless DaughtersA legacy of pain • Mother pain with abandonment • Mother pain with suffocation (mom as friend) • Mother pain played out dramatically with sexual partners • Mother pain played out dramatically with friends

42. Fractured Friendships • Sex and love addicted women don’t have friends • They have acting out buddies • They have sideline friends • The have crushes

43. Acting-out friend • the woman you call to accompany you on a hunt (the search for a new partner or a one-night stand). You count on her because she’s witty, reckless and fun-loving. She usually won’t judge you for what you are about to do because she’s been there too. However, if her addiction is stronger than yours, you can’t be sure she’ll be available for you and you may have to resort to a sideline friend.

44. The sideline friend • women who seem to need your presence to enjoy themselves. They typically bore you, but you will spend time with them because they make you feel important.

45. The Crush • the woman you think you’re in love with and hope will feel just as intensely for you. To fill the emptiness inside, you develop a crush on this friend and place unrealistic expectations on the relationship.

46. The crush continued • You may become smothering, controlling or demanding and drain the life out of the friendship, ultimately chasing her away. Unconscious of how this happens, you repeatedly feel abandoned and betrayed.

47. Reclaiming Damaged Dreams • You mean being a model mother isn’t enough? • Dreams re-visioned • Move from addictive fantasy to healthy dreaming and goal setting • Long-term work • Incorporate tasks