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Joke • Two women on the way back from a night out stop in a graveyard for a piss. One wipes her fanny with her knickers and the other uses a wreath.Their husbands were in the pub the next day and the first man says: "I'd better watch my wife, she came home last night with no knickers!"The other man says: "That's fuck all, mine had a card wedged up her ass saying: we'll never forget you, from all the boys at the fire station."
Joke • The 5 worst things about being a penis is ...1. You have a hole in your head.2. Your best friend is a cunt.3. Your next door neighbors are 2 nuts and an asshole.4. Every time you get excited you throw up.5. You always are wearing a collar.
Joke • Little Johnny was in church with his mom for Sunday Mass when he felt a sudden barf attack impending. "Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!" She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see you." So Little Johnny hauled ass for the door. Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his young face. "Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?""I didn't have to go that far, mom. Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK."
Joke • Three guys go down to Mexico one night, get drunk and wake up in jail. They find out that they're to be executed for their crimes but none of them can remember what they have done.The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am a priest and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens; so they figure God must not want this guy to die, and let him go.The second one is strapped in and gives his last words. "I am an attorney and I believe in the eternal power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." The switch is thrown and again nothing happens.Figuring the law is on this guy's side, they let him go. The last one is strapped in and say's "I'm an electrical engineer, and I'll tell you right now, you'll never electrocute anybody if you don't connect those two wires." God rest his soul.
Joke • It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job."Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line."OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator ..."
Joke • Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution."Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea. Now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50 times."
Joke • A little girl goes to see Santa Claus at the local shopping mall. When she arrives and sits down on Santa's lap Santa asks "What do you want for Christmas little girl?"."I want a Barbie and a GI Joe" says the little girl."But Barbie comes with Ken" Santa says,"No, Barbie only 'cums' with GI Joe!"
Joke • The school phoned me today and said: "Your son has been telling lies!"I said: "Well tell him he's bloody good. I ain't got any kids!"
Joke • A young boy and his grandfather went fishing one afternoon, after a couple of hours of fishing, the grandfather opened a can of beer, the grandson noticed and asked, "Grandpa, can I have a sip of your beer?" His grandfather looked at him and said, "Grandson, Is your penis long enough to touch your ass?" The grandson replied, "No!""Then you're not old enough.", said the grandfather.A couple of more hours went by, and the grandfather lit a cigarette. Again the grandson noticed and asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigarette"? The grandfather replied, "Is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" Again the grandson replied, "No!""Well you're not big enough to smoke yet.", said the grandfather.About an hour had passed and it began to get late, so the grandfather decided to pack it up and head for home. On their way home they stopped at a store, grandpa bought two lottery tickets and gave his grandson one. Grandpa scratched his off, but didn't win anything, The grandson scratched his off and won $10,000. Grandpa was all happy and surprised that his grandson had won and he asked, "Are you going to give some of that money to grandpa?" The boy looked at him and replied, "Grandpa, is your penis big enough to touch your ass?" Grandpa looked at him for a moment, then replied, "YES!""Good, then go fuck yourself!", said the grandson
Joke • Consul: "Your name please?"Saudi: "Abdul-Aziz."Consul: "Sex?"Saudi: "Six time a week."Consul: "I mean, male or female?"Saudi: "Both male and female sometime even camels."Consul: "Holy cow!"Saudi: "Yes, cows & dogs too."Consul: "Man, isn't that hostile?"Saudi: "Horse style, dog style, any style!"Consul: "Oh dear!"Saudi: "Deer? No deer, they run too fast ...!"
Joke • Two Kentuckians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?""Jus' some chickens.""If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?""Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them.""OK. Ummmmm ... five?"
Joke • Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?A bad golfer goes: WHACK ... "Damn"! A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"! ... WHACK.
Joke • What's a perfect breakfast for a woman?She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
Joke • A man says to his wife: "Tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."His wife replies: "You have a bigger willy than your brother!"
Joke • Three Pastors were having lunch together at a diner.The first Pastor said: "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with mice in my church. I've tried everything. Noise, spray, cats. Nothing seems to scare them away."The second Pastor then said: "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in the basement of the church. I've set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, yet they still won't go away."With a grin on his face, the third Pastor said: "I had the same problem so I baptized all mine and made them members of the church ... Haven't seen one back since!"
Joke • You wanna hear a dirty joke?A boy in a white shirt fell in the mud.You wanna hear a dirtier joke?He got back up and fell back down.You wanna hear a clean joke?He took a bath with Bubbles.You wanna hear the dirtiest joke so far?Bubbles is the girl next door.
Joke • A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.""Onions?""Yes, you see them and they make you cry."This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree.""A Christmas tree?""Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."
Joke • "Doctor doctor; I only got sixty seconds to live ...""Can you wait there for a minute please!"
Joke • An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100 %.The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said: "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
A recent study found that 35% of men have been injured while undoing a woman's bra.That's correct. While unfastening a woman's stabilizing devise, men have received strained tendons, scratches, and other similar injuries.Actually, I can vouch for that. I got injured today while trying to undo a woman's bra. When I undid the woman in front of me in the checkout line, she turned and hit me with a can of peas
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment ..."The husband replies: "Your eyesight's damn Perfect."
This guy finally gets a date with the girl of his dreams. She tells him that before they can go out, he has to come over and have dinner with her family. Well the guy isn't too fond of the idea but the woman is too gorgeous to refuse.The rest of the day the guy worries and frets. He gets so worried that he starts to build up a lot of gas. But he makes it to her house and is invited inside. The dinner was great and afterwards the young woman's father starts to read the paper. The guy's gas has built to a level that his bowels cannot contain anymore so he decides to let a little fart go.Phht ...The father rolls down his paper at the sound and says, "Spot ..."The guy looks around confused by this comment and spies a old sheepdog behind his chair. Great the old man must think the dog is doing it! So he decides to let a bigger fart go.Phhhhttt ...The father takes off his glasses and rolls down his paper. "Spot!" he says in an annoyed tone.The guy feels much better and decides to let one more fart go to relieve all the gas.pppphhhhttttpow!The father rips his glasses off and throws the paper to the floor. "Spot you deaf bag of fur ... get away from him before he shits all over you!"
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks: "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motorhome with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ... so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to downtown cowboy ...'. And here I am."
Mother: "How was your first day at school?"Son: "It was all right except for some men called teachers who kept spoiling all our fun!"
