Attitude to Platitude

1. Attitude to Platitude OR “How to Talk Shit in Corporate – Without Getting in Trouble”

2. attitude This shit is so decent. platitude Allow me to share our latest and greatest. © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.

3. attitude I don’t give a shit. platitude Help me understand the relevance here. © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.

4. attitude HOLY SHIT! platitude That is a wonder. © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.

5. attitude What other shit is going to happen? platitude Moving forward, how can we ensure our success? © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.

6. attitude Don’t start any shit. platitude I’m not certain that this is a good time for contrary opinions. © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.

7. attitude Don’t talk shit, if you can’t back it up. platitude Be certain that you can deliver and meet expectations. © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.

8. attitude I’m too old for this shit. platitude Perhaps a fresh set of eyes would be helpful. © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.

9. attitude I’m in a shit storm right now. platitude If I had the capacity, I would certainly assist. © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.

10. attitude Is that all the shit we need to do? platitude Have we adequately covered takeaways and future deliverables? © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.

11. attitude He’s such a shit! platitude He has a number of interesting qualities. © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.

12. attitude You don’t give a shit. platitude I’d like to get an understanding of your commitment to this project. © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.

13. attitude He sold her shit out. platitude I’m not sure, but it sounds like she was thrown under the bus. © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.

14. attitude She bullshitted her way out. platitude She was able to articulate her position and the subsequent lessons learned. © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.

15. attitude Pull some shit out of your ass. platitude Be creative. Think outside the box. © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.

16. attitude You don’t do shit around here. platitude We are reviewing the value of your contributions to the organization. © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.

17. attitude Screw this shit. I quit. platitude With mixed emotions, I am tendering my resignation. © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.

18. Translations from the Big Office OR “Did my boss just cuss me out?”

19. from the heart Have you always been a fucking moron? from the mouth What was your success rate prior to joining this organization? © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.

20. from the heart Fix it, fucktard. from the mouth I suggest that you modify your current course to ensure minimal disruption to the delivery timeline. © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.

21. from the heart I don’t know. Figure it the fuck out. from the mouth I’d like to encourage your creativity on this one. © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.

22. from the heart Hey asshole, I sit in the big office, don’t tell me what the fuck to do. from the mouth From my perspective, I’m not sure I agree with your position. © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.

23. from the heart You are like little whiny fucking brats. from the mouth How do you plan on resolving your conflict with one another? © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.

24. from the heart Stop being such a bitch. Bitch. from the mouth Your communication style at times can be perceived as off putting. © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.

25. from the heart Why the fuck didn’t you tell me before it all fell to hell? from the mouth The impending negative results were not communicated in a timely manner. © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.

26. from the heart Stop now you fucking idiot, before you say something you’ll really regret. from the mouth Let’s take a minute to gather our thoughts before going down this slippery slope. © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.

27. from the heart If I said shut it, fucking shut it. How hard is that? from the mouth When I interject in a meeting that we’ll need to take an issue off line, please do not continue down that road. © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.

28. from the heart Remember how you thought I hated you? It’s true. from the mouth Because of our current change in structure, your position is being eliminated. © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.

29. from the heart Think it through, jackass, you’re dead fucking wrong. from the mouth If you persist along your current line of thinking, I am concerned that the project will further deteriorate. © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.

30. from the heart Nobody fucking said that, you retard. from the mouth I think the difficulty lay in a number of miscommunications around accountability. © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.

31. from the heart Do you have any clue what your fucking job is dude? from the mouth How is it that we’ve come to such a disconnect around priorities? © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.

32. from the heart You suck. I’m not going to pay you because of it. from the mouth Based on your current performance, it’s not likely that any bonus dollars will be assessed in your favor for year end. © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.

33. from the heart Listen up jackass, change or get the fuck out. from the mouth I’d like to offer you some constructive feedback that I hope you will really take to heart. © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.

34. from the heart You have to be fucking kidding. You can’t even do the job you’re in. from the mouth You unfortunately did not stack up for the promotion. © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.

35. from the heart If you stopped stealing fucking post its and pens for home, I’d gladly buy more. from the mouth I’m unable to authorize your request for additional office supplies, we are already over budget for that line item. © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.

36. from the heart Did you fucking even go to 3rd grade? Who can’t add? from the mouth Why is there a continued issue with accuracy in our financial projections? I’m trying to understand the missteps here. © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.

37. from the heart Oh fuck, I missed your resume completely. from the mouth While we considered carefully a number of applicants, you unfortunately did not meet our hiring needs. © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.

38. from the heart Everyone knows we’re fucked. Stop fucking talking about it already. from the mouth I would caution against any further speculation that our division is struggling. © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.

39. from the heart If I can’t wear my Wham! shirt, you sure as shit can’t wear your Green Day one. from the mouth Our dress code policy was put into place for a number of reasons, not the least of which is the expression of a professional demeanor. © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.

40. from the heart You wanted the chick with big tits and no brain. You fucking got her. Enjoy. from the mouth I understand that she is a more junior employee, but as her hiring manager, you will need to be accountable for your choices. © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.

41. from the heart Shut the fuck up. I’m so over it already. from the mouth In the interest of time, let’s table this conversation. © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.

42. from the heart Fucking lie. Lie your ass off. from the mouth It’s important that we put the right spin on this. We don’t want our clients losing faith in our ability to deliver. © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.

43. from the heart Seriously? Who fucking expenses gum? from the mouth Allowable corporate expense report items have been clearly outlined in the financial policy. © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.

44. from the heart I have a secret. I’m not telling. Na-na-na-na-na. You wish you were me-e-e-e. from the mouth I’d like to communicate additional detail around the changes, and will do so once plans are completely gelled. © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.

45. from the heart Look, I know you don’t give a fuck. Why don’t you just get the fuck out? from the mouth I am getting the sense that your level of engagement here is on the down swing. It might be time to think about your development. © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.