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Why We Always Argue About The Same Stuff All The Time

Why We Always Argue About The Same Stuff All The Time. Or Circular Causality: What It Is And How To Escape It. Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT, CEAP (503) 227-3187 www.jacobspilman.com. Community Education Series on Relationship & Communications.

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Why We Always Argue About The Same Stuff All The Time

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  1. Why We Always Argue About The Same Stuff All The Time Or Circular Causality: What It Is And How To Escape It. Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT, CEAP (503) 227-3187 www.jacobspilman.com

  2. Community Education Series on Relationship & Communications • Feel free to share this presentation with a friend. • Use the Send This Page To A Friend Link. • Sign up for the newsletter to learn when new lectures are made available. Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT, CEAP www.jacobspilman.com (503) 227-3187

  3. Linear Causality • We usually think of causality as linear. • One cause has one effect. • The scientific method attempts to isolate one cause and one effect to establish lines of causality. Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT, CEAP www.jacobspilman.com (503) 227-3187

  4. Linear Causality • But, one cause can have many effects. • And many causes can have one effect. Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT, CEAP www.jacobspilman.com (503) 227-3187

  5. Circular Causality • Sometimes causality is not linear. • For instance, a computer virus is a small program that replicates itself and then gives itself a command to begin the process over again. Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT, CEAP www.jacobspilman.com (503) 227-3187

  6. Circular Causality • The same happens in human interactions. • Stan and his boss are stuck in a pattern that mutually reinforces each other negatively. Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT, CEAP www.jacobspilman.com (503) 227-3187

  7. Circular Causality: The Dance of Pursuit and Distance Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT, CEAP www.jacobspilman.com (503) 227-3187

  8. Circular Causality: The Dance of the Over-adequate & Under-adequate • At the beginning of the relationship • Mary thought Stan was spontaneous, adventurous and humorous. • Stan thought Mary was stable, strong and responsible. Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT, CEAP www.jacobspilman.com (503) 227-3187

  9. Circular Causality: The Dance of the Over-adequate & Under-adequate • Today • Mary thinks Stan is irresponsible and lazy. • Stan thinks Mary is controlling and rigid. • They argue over housekeeping. • Stan: “She’s a nagging neat freak.” • Mary: “He won’t do anything unless I get on him about it.” Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT, CEAP www.jacobspilman.com (503) 227-3187

  10. Circular Causality: The Dance of the Over-adequate & Under-adequate Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT, CEAP www.jacobspilman.com (503) 227-3187

  11. These Negative Rituals Are Locked In Place By: • Emotional Hypersensitivity • Blindness to Your Partner’s Strengths • Hopelessness • Anger • Blame • Avoidance & Stonewalling • Fear Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT, CEAP www.jacobspilman.com (503) 227-3187

  12. Warning: What if the Circular Causality Is the Relationship? • Circular causality can cause a relationship to deteriorate so much that the only thing left of the relationship is the circular causality. • If this happens and the circular causality ends, the “glue” that binds the relationship together disappears, ending the relationship. Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT, CEAP www.jacobspilman.com (503) 227-3187

  13. The Way Out: Think Your Way Through It. • Emotional Hypersensitivity occurs after repeated exposure to the same unresolved problem. • Minor irritations can erupt into major outbursts or develop into long term problems. • The key is to own your sensitivity and think your way through it. Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT, CEAP www.jacobspilman.com (503) 227-3187

  14. The Way Out: See your Partner’s Strengths • Every behavior trait has a good side and a bad side. • In 5 years, positive traits can become wearing or inappropriate if used incorrectly. • See your partner’s strengths, not just their weaknesses. Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT, CEAP www.jacobspilman.com (503) 227-3187

  15. The Way Out: Change is Possible • If you think that your partner will never change, they won’t. • The cure to hopelessness is change • Change is inevitable. Stability is the illusion. Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT, CEAP www.jacobspilman.com (503) 227-3187

  16. The Way Out: Get Past Your Anger By Dealing with Your Fear or Pain. • Anger is a response to pain and/or fear. • Addressing the pain and fear gets you past the anger. • Addressing the anger keeps you stuck. • Have you ever resolved an issue in your relationship when you were enraged? Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT, CEAP www.jacobspilman.com (503) 227-3187

  17. The Way Out: Eliminate Blame • Eliminate “You” statements & use “I” statements. • You can be happy or you can be right. • Emotional hypersensitivity leads to over-reaction and blaming. • Think. Don’t react. Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT, CEAP www.jacobspilman.com (503) 227-3187

  18. The Way Out: Steer Clear of Avoidance and Stonewalling • These defenses unintentionally estrange your partner, making resolving the issue harder. • Persistent avoidance and stonewalling only postpone an inevitable crisis. Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT, CEAP www.jacobspilman.com (503) 227-3187

  19. The Way Out: Steer Clear of Avoidance and Stonewalling • Discuss the issue when it’s just unpleasant and before it becomes insolvable. • Create a safe environment by avoiding blame or abandonment. Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT, CEAP www.jacobspilman.com (503) 227-3187

  20. The Way Out: Create A Safe Place To Deal With Your Fears • Use your partner’s non-verbal cues to help you respect their boundaries. • Support and highlight your bond before you attempt to solve the problem. • Think. Don’t react. Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT, CEAP www.jacobspilman.com (503) 227-3187

  21. The Way Out: The Four Steps Leading To Change • Understand the pattern of the circular causality. • Remain aware of the pattern while you are experiencing it. • Predict the pattern before it occurs. • Think your way through instead of reacting to it. Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT, CEAP www.jacobspilman.com (503) 227-3187

  22. If you enjoyed this presentation… • Additional Information about couples, communication, and relationships can be found at: • www.jacobspilman.com • Recommended Readings Page and Bookstore • New Materials are posted regularly. Visit often. • The Psychology, Values & Common Sense Blog • http://jacobspilman.blogspot.com/ Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT, CEAP www.jacobspilman.com (503) 227-3187

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