Conflict

1. Conflict Wenatchee Valley Dispute Resolution Center Washington Food Coalition Conference September 2013

2. Definitions of Conflict • A mental struggle resulting from incompatible or opposing needs, drives, wishes, or external or internal demands. • Variance or disharmony calling for adjustment.

3. The Conflict Cycle

4. The Drama Triangle Victim-we feel attacked Villain- In anger we inflict pain & punish Hero- We defend ourselves The roles we play continually shift

5. The Nature of Conflict LESSONS: • “You’re not the Boss of Me!” Identity need: Independence 2.“Game’s closed, You can’t Play!” Identity Need: Belonging 3.“That’s not FAIR!” Identity Need: Recognition

6. Anger • What is anger? • Responses to anger. • Why is it important to understand?

7. Anger Mountain

8. Active Listening Active Listening involves: • Listening first without talking • Feedback

9. Issues, Positions, Interests • Issues • The “What”of the conflict • Tip of the iceberg • Positions • The “How”to resolve • The “right” solution • Interests • The “Why”of the conflict • Needs, values, fears • Bulk of the iceberg

10. The Three Legs of Conflict • Problem – What The substance • Process – How The way we treat each other • Emotion – Why The underlying need

11. Real Life Scenarios • The line is long at the food bank and tempers are running short.  Some clients have taken the food bank shopping carts home so we are short carts and this is slowing down the line; we are having to wait for shopping carts to come back from the parking lot in order to serve more people.  A Caucasian man goes outside to smoke a cigarette and finds a Samoan woman standing by her full shopping cart waiting for a ride.  He tells her she should not monopolize the shopping cart but should take the food out and send the shopping cart back in so someone else can be served.  She tells him to mind his own business.  He says, "You people are stupid."  Her large Samoan son happens to be doing community service at the food bank and overhears the derogatory comment regarding his mother.  Within moments, the two men are chest to chest yelling at each other.  Other food bank clients in line immediately call for the director to come help stop a fight. • The food bank has a policy that no one can save a place in line for other families.  Two Latina women are near the front of the line after a long wait.  Suddenly, they are joined by a third woman from another family who has not previously been in line.  Some clients around them complain but they shrug their shoulders and behave as if they do not speak English.  A client comes to food bank staff to complain and ask them to remove the woman who cut in line • A pair of clients sitting in the food bank line is swearing as part of their regular conversation.  A mother with children sitting next to them asks them to watch their language as she does not want her children subjected to it.  They tell her, "It's a free world.  We will talk however we want."  A Latino man says, "Please, we are in a place of worship. Can't you be respectful?"  The pair says, "Why don't you go back to Mexico?"  The mother comes to the food bank staff to see if they can help the pair stop swearing.  Later, after being served, they ask for help out to the car in case the couple is there waiting to beat them up

12. Real Life Scenarios • A man with mental health issues--sitting in line next to an overweight woman--is talking about Jesus.  He tells the woman, "You're fat. Jesus hates fat people."   Other clients nearby come to the woman's defense and one man insists that the first man apologize to the woman.  An argument ensues.  Nearby clients in line become uncomfortable and ask them to be quiet.  Another client tells them to "Just shut up."  Directors hear voices rising in the hall and come to address the situation. • A homeless man and woman are sitting on the ground outside the food bank.  She appears to be high on something.  She is clearly hungry but is so agitated that she does not respond when asked if she needs help.  They initially arrived on time but are late entering the food bank.  Volunteers who have stayed an hour late already do not want to serve them but the director insists that they were on time and should be served.  As they sit with the last four families, the woman continues to cry and speak hysterically.   Children in the family ahead of them appear scared.  Volunteers want them to be quiet or leave.  The homeless man tries to comfort her and keep her calm; he is afraid they will miss out on food service but he doesn't want her to go outside or separate for fear of what she will do

13. Real Life Scenarios • A schizophrenic homeless man comes into the food bank.  It is his first time in for service.  The intake workers at the desk are trying to set up his client card and take his name.  He says, "Me, myself, and I."  The little old lady volunteers at the desk laugh a little, thinking this is a joke.  They put one adult on his card and he gets agitated.  He is serious and insists they put down three adults.  They get scared and don't know what to say or do. • Clients at the food bank or meal program that are unruly or mentally unstable • Volunteers at the food bank or meal program who are unhappy/mad at other volunteers for various reasons • A new group starts a food bank or meal program around the corner from a current food bank or meal program, thereby presenting a situation of competition for scarce resources

14. Real Life Scenarios • Two Clients fighting over particularly rationed food • Clients complaining that other clients are receiving more food • Clients upset about wait time for food.  • Having language barriers with clients or having communication troubles. • Having trouble with volunteers staying on task, and wanting to switch jobs.