LIFE STRATEGIES FOR DEALING WITH BULLIES

1. LIFE STRATEGIES FOR DEALING WITH BULLIES Michele M. Valentino, MSN, CS, BC

2. Objectives • Describe & explain methods of dealing with bullying • Explore other bully busting techniques & Analyzing alternative choices • Analyze the scenario “After the Bullying/Violent episode”. Discuss strategies to reclaim dignity & build support, respectful, healthy environments

4. BULLY BUSTING “He that respects himself is safe from others, he wears a coat of armor that none can pierce.” - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

5. Preface • None of the suggestions/tips for dealing with a Bully is guaranteed • These are suggestions for you to decide what is appropriate in your unique situation

6. The Simple Truth • To stop a bully from turning you into a Target, just firmly announce that his/her behavior will not be accepted without he/her running the risk that it will be reported immediately to both a private lawyer & and the company’s legal team. Gesture that he/she has one chance to stop now (palm of your raised hand racing her) and that he/she consider the consequences of continuing her childish, embarrassing behavior. -Gary & Ruth Namie www. Workplacebullying.org

7. Namie Survey • U.S. Hostile Workplace 2000 • Anonymous survey online • 1 335 respondents, random design. • 50% M & F • 81% ranked higher • 14% same rank • 5% lower rank

8. It’s no Secret • 96% co-workers were aware of the bullying • 46% public sites • 34% private • 20% behind closed doors but meant to be overheard • Woman were predominantly Targets 77%

9. Happens Everywhere • 35% Corporate employers • 33% govt. (vs. 12% of the national workforce) • 13% small or family run businesses • 19% nonprofit organizations 63% Targets had some college & degrees 17% grad. Degrees 4% PhD’s, M.D.s or lawyers

10. Bullying • Ave. exposure 16.5 mo

11. Related Terminology • Horizontal Violence • Disruptive Behavior • Incivility • Horizontal hostility • Lateral violence

12. Top 5 Reasons Bullies Bullied 1. Target refused to be subservient, resisted control 58% 2. Bully envied Target’s competence in work 56% 3. Bully envied Target’s social skills, being liked, + attitude 49% 4. Ethical Target behavior, whistleblower was retaliated against 46% 5. The cruel personality of the bully 42%

13. What Made Bullying STOP • 11% transferred but kept job with same employer • 38% left voluntarily for self-preservation • 44% were expelled in a way controlled by the employer • 7% Negative sanctions against the bully (censure, transfer or termination) 82% actually lost their jobs simply because a bully came uninvited into their lives

14. Economic Impact of Bullying on the Target • 51% lost income • 33% experienced no change • 16% realized a gain as a result of termination and replacement with a better-paying job elsewhere

15. Need to report!! • Need to report to raise awareness of the problem • Typically, acts of violence that do not result in injury are not reported ( 61% of nonphysical violence was unreported in 1 study (Findorff, McGovern & Sinclair, 2005)

16. Obstacles to Reporting • Inurnment due to chronic & protected exposure to bullying individuals • Few effective regulations • Attitude & perception that this “is just part of the job” • Organizational culture, including onus on the victim to be proactive & make the complaint & the employer’s belief that it would be too costly to institute protective measures for the staff

17. Obstacles to Reporting • Stigma of victimization, including embarrassment, shame, isolation & fear of judgment • Fear of job loss • Fear if blame of provoking the assault or being negligent • Victim’s self-blame • Time-consuming, ineffective, or gender-biased reporting mechanisms

18. Obstacles to Reporting • No benefit, either personal or organizational, of reporting • Unhelpful experience with prior reporting

19. Tips for Dealing with Disruptive Behaviors by Center for Am. Nurses • Identify what behaviors are bullying • Remember, sometimes the more passive behaviors can be the most damaging & the most pervasive! • Know when to engage • Avoid Avoidance

20. “I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation….Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.” Elie Wiesel, Nobel Laureate and Holocaust Survivor

21. Identify Bullying • Unwarranted or invalid criticism • Blame without factual justification • Being treated differently than the rest of your work group • Being sworn at Exclusion or social isolation • Being shouted at or being humiliated • Being the target of practical jokes • Excessive monitoring

22. Identify Bullying Tactics • Being over-critical • Micromanaging • Exclusion • Unfairness or “crazy-making” • Lack of clarity

23. Evaluate Options • Prepare oneself mentally (bully proof) • Which approach will you take?

24. Bully proofing • Preparing mentally • Personal philosophy • Creating an invincible attitude • Venting • Get some perspective • Prepare for the worst • Commit to see it through • Mildly committed bullies • Relentless bullies

25. Bully proofing • Understand the results of losing • Evaluate the rewards of winning • How difficult will it be to look for another job? • Understand the risks of doing nothing • Expect a nasty battle • Identify the ultimate value

26. !” Bully proofing • Identify the ultimate value • Step Four: Commit to see it through What is the bully’s level of commitment? You must match or exceed that if you want to win Financial preparation

27. Bully proofing • Financial preparation • Lining up a new job • Getting family on board • Financial independence • Avoiding sharks

28. Create an Invincible Attitude • Venting • Get some perspective • Prepare for the worst • Commit to see it through

29. Step Three: Prepare for the worst • When you expect the worst, you are less likely to be disappointed • Assume the worst from the bully • Don’t plan on a normal, cooperative relationship • Always remember that a skilled, aggressive bully is capable of the worst of workplace behaviors.

30. Prepare for the Worst • Expect a nasty battle • Evaluate the alternatives to fighting • Face your fears about changing jobs • Consider all your options

31. Options • Do Nothing • Make a plan and act • Go to your manager • Notify HR • Take sick leave • Explore other job options • Resign • Contact an attorney

32. Job Search • No griping • Employment agencies and recruiters • Networking • Fighting after finding a new job • Reorganizing your finances

33. Tips for Dealing with Disruptive Behaviors by Center for Am. Nurses • Be mindful of your own feelings • Take immediate interventions when witnessing disruptive behaviors • Learn to listen • Collaborate with your boss • Behave differently • Reflect on the experience • Remember, it’s about you—not about them

34. Document, Document, Document • Can use incident reports for your file www.bullyingbosses.com • Document hot-button issues • Keep track of health issues • Organize a Documents File- General & personal documents • Drafting a Chronology

35. Document • Obtaining copies of harassing / bullying paper trails; hold onto copies of documents that contradict the bully’s accusations against you (e.g., time sheets

36. Bully Proofing Comes First • Phase 1 Bully Proofing to Stop the Hurt • Phase 2 Bully Proofing to Topple the Tyrant

37. Bully Proofing to Stop the Hurt • Typical scenario • Assess Impact Before It’s Too Late 4 areas to help begin your recovery from bullying. 1) How I relate to others 2) How other people see me 3) My performance at work 4) My ability to reason & solve problems Write down as many phrases you can, give blank ones to two others & compare.

38. Bully Proofing • Quality of Relationships with Others • Confidence in Personal Competence • Emotional Effectiveness Do your self rating Ask others to rate you Summarize the observations in an Impact Table Interpret patterns for meaning, Regain Perspective

39. Changing Your Perspective • Step 1. Compare your bully problems to a catastrophic event. • Step 2. Mentally edit the memory of your encounter with the bully as if you were editing a film. As you replay your last encounter, view it as if it came from another camera angle. Turn the camera so you can look at it in different ways, Go over the memory with a friend to try & get a new perspective on the situation.

40. Changing Your Perspective • Step 3. Reframe the problem & change the meaning of the experience, Try to look at the experience as a positive event rather than an attack on you. Are there any ways the bullying experience could be +?

41. Establish & Protect Boundaries “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” -Eleanor Roosevelt

42. SIGN-up for Bully Proof Insurance • Part 1: Expect an attack • Part 2: Know some bully-proof responses • Part 3: Practice your responses

43. Check Policies /Procedures of Workplace • May need to request the actions by bully to stop • Expect the bully to deny and perhaps misconstrue your accusations; have a witness with you during any meetings with the bully; report the behavior to an appropriate person

44. Repel Invasion- Become a Workplace Warrior, Not a Target • Use verbal commands • Announce that a line has been crossed • Refuse to be a victim • Announce that you have a policy of zero tolerance for such unacceptable actions & that you will enforce this. A tit for tat. • In workplace bullying, people who show emotion are generally seen as more vulnerable than those who have a closed style • Develop the Self

45. Verbal Defense Strategies • Imaginary Conversation Strategy • Enter every situation in the verbal battlefield with an open mind • Observe “what is” • Take a moment to pick your strategy • Silent, expressionless, blank stare • The look of Disgust Strategy • Go ahead and defend yourself

46. Verbal Defense Strategies • Naked Truth Strategy • Let it Go-Breathe & Blow Strategy • Calm, Calculating, Questioning Strategy – Like Columbo • Naked Truth Strategy • “The Joke’s on You” – Funny Bone Strategy • Love ‘Em Up Strategy • Gentle-Toned Name Repetition

47. Verbal Defense Strategy • Hush-Hush Strategy • Let the Baby Have Her Bottle Strategy • “What’s Good About You” Strategy • Mirroring the Foe Strategy • “Give them hell & Yell Strategy

48. Bully proofing yourself • Recruit one’s family’s help right from the beginning • Identify allies • Separate Work/Social Boundaries • Boundaries & Defenses Avoid Spineless Flexibility Maintain your boundaries in the face of power Recognize Unhealthy Work Boundaries You have a right to Privacy

49. Hard & Soft Strategies The Yang and Yin - Robert Mueller, JD • Usually hard strategies are not recommended • A fresh bouquet of flowers • Being opaque – maneuver quietly into the corners of workplace power, discovering supporters • Let co-workers figure out for themselves that the Bullying Boss in the literature is their own

50. Hard & Soft Strategies The Yang and Yin - Robert Mueller, JD • “The Story” is always counterproductive politically • Do use note probable trajectories and cards on a table • Convert “The Story” into a strategic plan • “Timing is everything”