What about Parents’ Matching?

1. What about Parents’ Matching?

2. A Story of God’s Love

3. Websites: www.familyfed.org/bfd Copies of this powerpoint will be provided free (on the website). Feel free to copy for use for church meetings, family discussions, HDH, pre-matching discussions and preparation with your children. Reminder about CONFIDENTIALITY and read the “Essential Information”.

4. Perspective…….Back then…..and now. When I was matched… Full time member Spiritual life every day Regular DP workshops Joined at age 24 Matched at 30 Blessed at 33 Matching preparation 2 conditions 40 days Father’s words True Father matched Success Rate: ~80-85% together We are the survivors! Parents matchings today… High school or college Spiritual life by family Youth DP workshops Joined at birth Matched at 17 to ? Blessed at 17 to ? Matching preparation ? (parents, prayer,…) Parents matched Success Rate: ~94.6% together and improving *since Dec. 2004

5. 2 biggest issues facing parents in matching their children. #1 We don’t know enough other couples. #2 How do we do it? Parents’ Matching Convocations 4 times a year Powerpoints, recordings, home meetings, local meetings, mentors, etc. Mini-Convocations in various cities PMCs with Adult BCs

6. What is your goal before the end of this weekend? To completely match all your children and be finished!!! To learn how to get going. What is your next step? …next several steps. Gain a list of parents to contact after this.

7. How long will it take? Several phases: Finding a connection: Parents interaction, decision to match: BC’s interaction, Decision for G & T: Decision to accept: Match ceremony: Blessing: A few months, 1-2 years, more (Usually girls ready sooner, wait longer) A few months A few to many months A few to many months A few months Up to 6-8 months Total: 1, up to 6 or 7 years

8. Brief history of CIG & parents matching. 2012 Jan. 31, ’09 Coronation of God, TF 90th, 270 couples. 2008 Only CIG “standard” of purity and faith were matched. Dec. 20, 2004, Father matched again. “Four years”. 2004 Jan. 4, 2001, Father declared parents’ matching only. 2000 First matching of Second Gen by True Father in 1986

9. USA Total:862 people

10. Percentage of BCs Blessed Blessed: 25.18 % (862 out of 3,420) The number of BCs is based on CIG Card in 2003 (It may not be exact)

11. Some thoughts 862 out of 3,420. Many went to Father’s matching. Parents matching is a much slower process. Many of these 862 are probably more “faith-type” personalities. The more “secular-type” personalities could be more challenging. Our working paradigm for the future of HSA is that 10% of BCs will choose a church mission and 90% will be “in society” and leading society as model citizens.

12. TP’s Matching: 28.3% Parents’ Matching: 5.4%

13. In my humble opinion. You can’t do this without God! And you wouldn’t want to either!

14. Father’s quote after matching at East Garden, December, 2004. “80% of you won’t at first like the person that you are matched to.” From this one can assume that according to God’s idea 80% of BC’s won’t like the person that HE wants to match them to. From this one might assume that if parents match according to God’s idea, then 80% of BC’s won’t like the person that parents want to match them to.

15. Comment on God’s Love Jim’s testimony about how innocent God is and his faith in us. God does not connect to the “realities of this world” and practical issues (i.e. language, nationality, finances, visa problems, etc.). You MUST understand and exert your portion of responsibility. God never, never, never gives up on getting us to the final realization of His ideal… if it doesn’t work out, He won’t stop.

16. MYTHS in the society, church, culture, and among parents. 1. There is one soul-mate out there for each person. (There is exactly one “God’s choice”, “right one”, “one to make me happy”.) 2. Just have to “shop” until I find the “right one”. 3. The match should make me happy right away. (My parents will match me to someone I like.)

17. MYTHS in the society, church, culture, and among parents. 4. Conflict is a sign you are married (matched) to the wrong person. (It’s a challenge that your love has to grow bigger.) 5. In-laws are a pain to be avoided. (Dad is a dork) 6. Must be financially stable and secure before marriage (before kids, etc.) Or need to get out of college first or need to get a career first. 7. Divorce is the only alternative if “you’ve lost that loving feeling.”

18. Lessons Learned from Arranged Marriage “Our ability to love requires a period of growth.” Father First Comes Marriage: Modern Relationship Advice from the Wisdom of Arranged Marriages by Reva Seth John R. Williams

19. Love in Arranged Marriages Surpasses Romantic Ones Love in arranged marriages tends to build over time Love in romantic marriages tends to decline Romantic Marriage 10 Years Arranged Marriage 5 Years John R. Williams

20. Lessons Learned from Arranged Marriage 1. Keep expectations reasonable; don’t expect a soulmate or rescuer 2. Focus on character and shared values, not “type,” “chemistry” or interests 3. Keep family background a priority 4. Embrace commitment, not “keeping options open” 5. Redefine romance as caring gestures, not hearts and flowers 6. Keep sex in perspective and build passion through positivity 7. Share a greater purpose than personal satisfaction John R. Williams

21. Advantages of Arranged Marriage 1. Honors the two families involved 2. Better in-law relations from beginning 3. Helps prevent abusive relationships 4. Can trust in elders’ wisdom during difficulties later 5. Draws God’s support 6. Marriages tend to be stable and enduring John R. Williams

22. Matching: How to do it.

23. Comment about “READINESS” Parents should get “ready” first!!! Parents should be “ready” BEFORE the kids! God gave parents the responsibility. Don’t need to ask the kids if they are “ready”. They have very little to go on but feelings. You figure out what “ready” means. Then you mentor them into “readiness” until you can tell them that they are “ready” with sincerity and confidence so they will know it’s true. Explain it using objective criteria for “ready”.

24. Comment on Parental Love Parents’ love for their children is intense, biased, deep, and emotional…more important than their own happiness. Parents don’t really know their kids that well. Matching is very intense and emotional… Don’t do it alone. Get “wise counsel”. Talk it over with someone you trust.

25. Importance of unity between the parents and their equal ownership. Your own matching by Father brought together two very different perspectives, …both equally valuable…AND needed. We will make mistakes. Nobody is an expert at this. Even if the match is prepared by God, still it might not work out. …it happens. If your spouse is not here, be sure to call him/her 2 or 3 times this weekend and report.

26. Importance of prayer, unity between the parents and their equal ownership. If one parent takes the full responsibility and the other has no ownership, it is more likely there can be difficulties. BOTH perspectives are equally valuable and essential. If the parents are not united, it’s much more difficult for the children to feel a strong foundation and support for the matching. If one parent is pushing but the other is resisting or hesitant, slow down.

27. When should we start? Before your BC is 10 years old ….NOW!!! The average girl starts thinking about marriage around 12 or 13. The average boy probably not until at least 16, … much older. Be prepared to explain why matching is the best way to find happiness.

28. Getting Started Study about matching. “Do your homework.” Father’s words on matching and Blessing. (Blessing and Ideal Family) The Gift for Life Matching testimonies. (www.absolutelove.org) BFD Website > Resources > Matching (Guidance, PMC recordings, PowerPoints, etc.) www.familyfed.org/bfd Dae Mo Nim’s guidance (see above webpage).

29. Getting Started After attending 3 Parent Matching Convocations one sister said, “Now I’m beginning to feel confident I can do this.” God’s guidance can come from any direction but you will never notice it unless you are looking for it. (ex. RAS, reticular activating system) “Follow your intuition.”

30. I prayed for God to help me explain to you EXACTLY how to match your children.

31. What are the key lessons? “Use the force, Luke.” (UPF) “Let go.” “Luke, trust me.” Turn off the computer.

32. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate Go out someplace away from home so this will be a strictly private discussion. No younger siblings allowed. Make this a special occasion in the child’s life. Take this seriously. There is no such thing as too much give and take. BC should know what the parents are doing and APPROVE of it as far as they decide.

33. The Importance of Honesty In Jin Nim has stressed the importance of honesty in all the matching relationships, especially regarding issues of purity. Children need to be honest with parents. Parents need to be honest with other parents before any match is made.

34. “Matching Styles” Horizontal: Parents to Parents Vertical: Parents to Children

35. Making initial contact Keep it light. Get more serious gradually. “Hello. We saw that your son/daughter is eligible to be matched. Is that still true?” “We might be interested to meet you/email you/talk on the phone to get to know your family better.” Many people will not respond right away. Many may not be ready now, but might be ready later.

36. What is “exchange marriage”? A male and a female is “exchange” enough! We are created so different by God that we can try for eternity but never understand each other. That’s the joy. If they are very different in character then they have to grow a lot to love each other. If they are very different, then they “balance” each other as parents and provide greater stability for their children.

37. Have a public heart for all BC’s. This is not a competition to get the best ones before they are all taken. Don’t center exclusively on your own child. Want God’s will and happiness for other couples and BCs also. Pray for other BCs and all BCs in general. Help other families match their children.

38. After parents agree, then boy and girl now must decide to accept the match and take 100% ownership. ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL. Consider a “betrothal” time period before the formal matching. This is BEFORE any public announcement. • How do they get to know each other so they can conclude “I want to marry him/her”? • -- Many tools about personality, communication, gender differences, relationships are available.

39. ESSENTIAL UNDERSTANDINGS The meaning and value of the Blessing are far greater than “marriage”. If they aren’t ready to get married to each other, they aren’t ready to get Blessed. (We do not condone sex outside of marriage.) Once the boy and girl are ready for the full commitment, then have a public Commitment Ceremony to seal the match. Celebrate. Involve relatives and friends. Vows and written pledge. Songs. Holy wine. Gifts, etc.

40. After matching, how much touching is allowed? They are in the position of Adam and Eve, i.e. betrothed, but still brother and sister. Holding hands and brief hugging is acceptable. No kissing, caressing, massaging, clinging, petting, long embraces, or touching private areas is appropriate. Please no “public displays of affection”. Younger BCs are watching. They’ll be glad they waited, were disciplined, and made an offering to God of the beginning of their eternal love. Get married before sex!

41. A Story of God’s Love Thank you

42. Discussion in 2’s, 3’s, or 4’s for 20 minutes. (Anybody is OK. Suggest: boy-girl, inexperienced-experienced, etc.) Discuss your inspirations or the issues raised for you in this talk. Use the handout notes if needed. Come back at _______ Take a short break (10 min.) before then. Start again on time.