Men’s Orientations to Partnering, Having Children and Parenting

1. Men’s Orientations to Partnering, Having Children and Parenting Lynn Jamieson, Kathryn Backett Milburn, Roona Simpson, Fran Wasoff Centre for Research on Families and Relationships, University of Edinburgh www.crfr.ac.uk BHPS Annual Conference, Manchester, September 2008

2. Relative neglect of attention to men in analyses of the trend to low and very low fertility in Western countries. • Focus primarily on women as the agents of change, attending to, for example, women’s control over their own reproduction, trends in female employment and the difficulties faced by women in reconciling paid work and family life (McDonald, 2000). • Authors who have made the case for paying more attention to men’s procreative decisions and commitment to family building in analysis of fertility trends have summarised research showing the significance of fathers to children’s wellbeing and of family life to the wellbeing of men (Goldscheider and Kaufman 1996), and the social determinants of ‘irresponsible’ sexual behaviour among young men (Forste, 2002).

3. Theoretical/Empirical Framework The importance of the socio-cultural context (Bourdieu) Partnering and parenting behaviour and attitudes of men as well as women should be seen in the context of wider socio-economic and cultural changes that have re-shaped the opportunities and costs of family life. The biographical processes that underlie whether or not somebody comes to want to be a parent, they type of parent they want to be and the size of family are socially structured in this sense (Irwin 2006) Geographical patterning of fertility trends suggests distinctive local cultures of fertility (Boyle 2004, Boyle and Graham 2007). Social interactions (face to face conversation, observation and more mediated forms of knowledge) with a variety of potentially influential sources (e.g. partners, family, workmates, friends, neighbours or the wider culture) shape fertility attitudes and behaviour (eg Kohler et al 2002 ‘social feedback effects’, Hobcraft 2004).

4. Fertility Module, Scottish Social Attitudes (SSA) Survey 2005 Research study contributing to theorising about variations in fertility and to contribute to wider public and policy debates about fertility and social change, conducted between March 2005 and November 2006, multi-disciplinary team based at Universities of Edinburgh and St. Andrews. Information on fertility attitudes, and how they relate to peer networks and the local context in which the respondents live, and data on this was supplemented by Small Area statistics drawn from the 2000 census (Wasoff and Dey, 2007). Sub-sample: 406 men aged 18-49, 375 women aged 18-45

5. Rural and Urban Solo Living Study Two year study focusing on the social capital, quality of life and present and future orientations of men and women aged 25-44 living alone in urban/rural localities in Scotland. • Analysis of the Scottish Household Survey (SHS) • Semi-structured telephone interviews with 140 individuals using the SHS as a sampling frame (75 men, 65 women). • In-depth follow-up interviews with 40 individuals.

6. Men and Child Free Social Worlds Men less likely than women of childbearing age to inhabit worlds peopled with children. SSA data: • Fewer men reported being the biological parent of a child (51% fathers, 66% mothers).[under-reporting of male fertility, Rendall et al.1999] • 36% of fathers lived in childless households. • Fewer men than women lived with children (Table 1).

7. Scottish Social Attitudes Survey, 2005

8. Scottish Social Attitudes Survey, 2005

9. Solo Living Study: • The majority of the solo-living men (51) had never fathered a child. • 21 had a living biological child (3 deceased), 12 of whom were involved fathers with regular contact with their children, 3 had some contact and 6 little or no contact. • Just under half of the childless solo living men (23) seemed fairly certain that they did not want and would not have children, with the ‘older’ age groups of childless men (ages 35-44) more likely to say that they do not want children.

10. Half of men who have never been fathers described their friends as mostly people who were also childless. Fewer than one in five said they spent time with friends’ children or had a lot of contact with nephews or nieces (seeing them at least weekly). The proportion of childless solo-living women with high levels of contact with friends’ children or nephews or nieces was about double that of their male counterparts. By definition, solo-living men who were involved fathers had contact with their own children. Some involved fathers not only spent time with their own children, but the children of friends and family and their own children’s friends. Overall very few of the solo-living men in our sample inhabited worlds that were child rich and many had very little contact with children.

11. Men’s Fertility in the Context of Partnering

12. Both partnership status and history and age have an impact on fertility intentions as well as actual fertility. The SSA sample shows those most likely to anticipate remaining childlessness were older respondents with no partner. While the overwhelming majority of both men and women ideally want to become parents in the context of a partnership, for men, becoming a parent in any other context is rarely considered as even a possibility. Among our sample of solo-living men, 31 were childless and without a current partner. When asked, half of them said they wanted to become fathers but often spontaneously stressing that a partner has to come first. For example ‘Oh yes, but that would require me to meet the right person’ (Alfie, aged 41).

13. Men in non-resident partnerships and attitudes to fatherhood ‘Living Apart Together’ (LAT) relationships (Gierveld, 2004, Haskey, 2005, Holmes, 2006, Levin, 2004 ). Such partnerships among childless heterosexual couples of childbearing age are not always viewed by participants as steps towards co-resident parenting. Solo Living data: 25 men were in sexual or romantic relationships with someone living elsewhere. Most had lasted over a year and were regarded as serious a long-term. Only a minority of solo-living positive about prospect of future cohabitation. Half of the childless men with long-term partners did not want to have children. The most common reasons childless men gave for not seeking to live with their partner were enjoyment of living alone, their or their partner’s unsuitability for a co-resident relationship and/or the unsuitability of their partner for a permanent relationship.

14. Men not wanting/expecting partnership or fatherhood The solo-living men who did not have partners and did not want children encompassed the extremes of socio-economic polarisation found among people living alone: those living on low incomes, in social housing struggling with health problems and under-employment versus highly paid professionals living in relative comfort. Sam migrated to Scotland to do a course in higher education and had a well paid job using his IT skills. Explains not seeking a partner in terms of enjoyment of living alone. Presents himself as child averse: “I have thought about whether or not I would like children, and the answer is ‘No!’ It quite terrifies me!” Alastair had been diagnosed as schizophrenic, and lived in a small housing association flat. He referred to his mental illness by way of explanation for “not really actively seeking a long term partner”; when asked about children he said, “I don’t think I’d be able to cope with the demands of raising children.”

15. Men’s Anxieties as Providers? Financial provision spontaneously raised by several men who were hesitant when asked about having children. Campbell (aged 34) a relatively well paid academic, commented, ‘I’ve thought about it but I think my life circumstances would have to change a lot. And then security, just boring things like security of income become very important.’ Although he was in a secure job, he also indicated a desire for a future career switch, in part due to long working hours. Time and energy for children as well as money. Mark (age 33) So I’d really have to sort of assess whether my life/work balance was going to give a bit of time to them [i.e. to possible future children]. Yeah, I suppose I would do one day but I think to myself that I’d have to actually be a lot more financially secure than I am just now.

16. Financial provision factor in fertility expectations among the more disadvantaged respondents, Comments to this effect were made by non-resident fathers as well as childless men. Nathan (age 40) an involved father with one child said Always, from when I was a young man I wanted more than one child, but again circumstances dictate that I would need to be in a substantially better financial position. Anthony (age 34) who had no contact with his child similarly said, I would love to have loads and loads of kids but unfortunately there’s a thing called money. Do you know what I mean? I’d love to live like the Walton’s but they need to be provided for and when it all goes wrong there's a thing called the CSA.

17. Concluding Discussion Young men and women continue to inhabit rather different social worlds with likely consequences for their orientations towards parenting and the possibilities they take up of partnering and having children. Our data suggest that young men have more limited access than young women both to experiential accounts about the business of parenting and to direct contact with children. Lack of awareness of the practical realities of the processes of having and bringing up children is consistent with keeping children as a vague future possibility and denial of urgency. An absence of focus on having children in turn eases the need for long term relationships to be converted into co-resident partnerships which in turn reinforces delay in focusing on having children.

18. While the idea that financial security is essential to having children dissipates with age, the traditional role of provider still peppers men’s reflections on whether or not to have children and provides them with reason for caution and delay. Although traditional gender roles are no longer seen as being the right thing to do, they continue to give men and women rather different reasons for avoiding larger families. While women may be more worried about the impact on their progress at work, men remain more attuned than women to the risk that children or additional children will result in men becoming the sole household earner.

19. References • Berrington, Ann (2004) ‘Perpetual postponers? women's, men's and couple's fertility intentions and subsequent fertility behaviour’ Population Trends 117, 9-19 • Biddlecom, A. and Greene, M. (2004) Absent and Problematic Men: Demographic Accounts of Male Reproductive Roles, Population and Development Review,26, 1. • Boyle, Paul (2003) ‘Population geography: does geography matter in fertility research’ Progress in Human Geography 27,5 pp. 615–626 • Boyle, P, Graham, E, and Feng, Z. (2007) ‘Fertility variations in Scotland: geographical influences’ CRFR Briefing 33 http://www.crfr.ac.uk/Reports/rb33.pdf • Forste, R. (2002) ‘Where are All the Men? A Conceptual Analysis of the Role of Men in Family Formation’ Journal of Family Issues 2002; 23; 579

20. Goldscheider, F.K. and Kaufman, G. (1996) 'Fertility and commitment: Bringing men back in'. Population and Development Review 22: 87-99. Gierveld, J. (2004). Remarriage, Unmarried Cohabitation, Living Apart Together: Partner Relationships Following Bereavement or Divorce. Journal of Marriage and the Family 66, 236-243. • Haskey, J (2005). Living arrangements in contemporary Britain: having a partner who usually lives elsewhere; Living-apart-together, LAT. Population Trends 122, 35-46. • Hobcraft, J. (2004) ‘Method, theory and substance in understanding choices about becoming a parent: Progress or regress?’ Population Studies 58, 81-84 • Holmes, M. (2006).‘Love Lives at a Distance: Distance Relationships over the Lifecourse’, Sociological Research Online 11

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