Tonight’s “Team Playbook” Objectives

1. Tonight’s “Team Playbook” Objectives • Learn how the family system influences individual members • Identify your own strengths as a parent and as a family • Identify existing family memory makers and create traditions, rituals and routines that support family values

2. Healthy Family Systems “Just one way, you do get back home. You have a boy or a girl of your own and now and then you remember, and you know how they feel, and it’s almost the same thing as if you were your own self again, as young as you could remember.” -James Agee

3. Family Environments have significant effect on the child’s: • Emotions • Social Behavior • Cognition • Personality • Character Development • Competence • Self-Esteem Other Influences Individuality of child & parent Society influences Family position Change and Loss (illness, death, divorce, etc.) Gender of child

4. FourFamilyAtmospheres

5. Authoritarian Atmosphere in the Home Predictions for the Child Rigid, controlling Tension and conflict Demanding Distrust between parent and child Punitive Hostility toward parent Unreasonable expectations Power struggle Adult-like responsibilities Rebellion by strong-willed child Little verbal give-and-take Timidness(withdrawal) by milder (parent always right) temperament child Parents make all decisions Low self-esteem Little expression of affection and warmth Dependent Ideas, feelings, emotions not expressed Difficulty making decisions Discourage independence Fearful Little encouragement and praise Rejection of parental values and beliefs Excessive dominance by one parent Higher rate of anti-social behaviors

6. Permissive Atmosphere in the Home Predictions for the Child Parent avoids exercise of control Insecure, often feel unloved High nurturing and communication Low self-concept Few rules and guidelines Difficulty adjusting to structure, Inconsistent especially in school Parents become easily frustrated and give Immature socially and emotionally up (resulting in the “parentified child”) Little self-control Few expectations set Irresponsible Little structure Lack social skills, consideration, and Few demands for responsibility and thoughtfulness of others orderly behavior Less willing to live by parental Few social rules of mutual consideration standards and sharing Difficulty following rules of society Parents seen more as resource than shapers High rate of anti-social behaviors Does not encourage obedience and responsibility for external controls

7. Uninvolved Atmosphere in the Home Predictions for the Child Few rules and guidelines Unsure of or question parent’s love Inconsistent Insecure Child takes over the role of being Seek structure the parent Immature social and emotional skills Parent is absent or emotionally Difficulty getting along with and unavailable respecting others Few expectations Difficulty adjusting to structure, Little structure rules Does not engage child Little self-control Risk of little or no attachment Irresponsible Disorganized Less willing to live by society’s values High rate of anti-social behaviors Increased risk of being a victim of abuse/neglect Peers may become major “role models” Appears to have independence

8. Authoritative Atmosphere in the Home Predictions for the Child Parents are clearly in charge Close family relationships Firm, well-defined guidelines Emotionally and socially mature Flexible boundaries Self-confident High level of communication High self-esteem Respect for ideas, feelings, and emotions Achievement-oriented Mutual respect and consideration Independent Teamwork, give-and-take Creative Accept uniqueness of individuals Leadership skills (may also be bossy, Allow for mistakes or aggressive) Reasonable expectations Secure, fewer fears Developmentally appropriate Cooperative, friendly responsibilities Responsible, good decision makers Healthy role modeling Willing to take risks Encourage independence and autonomy Concern for others, service oriented Nurturing, affectionate Happy Remain close to family values and beliefs Lower rate of anti-social behaviors

9. Today’s Families • Only 10% represent traditional family of past (single breadwinner, nuclear family) • 27% are single-parent families • 20% of all children <18 years old live in stepfamilies • 64% of mothers with children <6 years old work outside the home

10. Characteristics of a Healthy Family • Develops a sense of trust • Teaches respect for self and others • Values individual differences • Believes in commitment to family • Maintains clear boundaries among family members • Shares responsibility • Communicates effectively • Develops problem-solving skills • Establishes strong sense of roots and belonging • Accepts change in natural and unexpected transitions of life • Believes in a higher order in life • Recognizes and seeks help for serious problems

11. Think about your own “family of origin” (your parents and siblings) • How did your parents show affection and express love to each other? • How did they feel about work/professions? • How did they show other emotions, like sadness or anger? • What were some family strengths? Weaknesses? • What were their parenting styles? • What were the family values and beliefs? • Importance of traditions • Holiday celebrations

12. Why study those family patterns? It is important to realize that our family of origin patterns are significant to valuing the past as well as remapping the future.

13. A family, like a canoe, must be steered or paddled, or it won’t take you where you want to go -William J. Doherty, Ph.D.

14. Routines, RitualsandTraditions • Routines: the least deliberate and most frequently occurring of family interactions • Rituals: repeated and coordinated activities that have significance to the family • Traditions: rituals that occur less frequently and in conjunction with a particular time or celebration, generally passed from generation to generation

15. Every family is unique with traditions and rituals unique to them.

16. Many families hold dear the same type of traditions and rituals.

17. The rituals and traditions might differ depending on the family ages, gender, background, situation, etc.

18. As traditions pass down through generations, they are altered to fit in with new lifestyles.

19. From The Intentional Family, by William J. Doherty • Traditional family focus was on kinship, children, community ties, economics and the father’s authority, with goals of stability and security • Now the focus has shifted to individual freedom and pursuit of personal happiness and achievement more than kinship obligations

20. According to Doherty, As a society, we have set high expectations for family life with little support and guidance in how to meet these expectations. “The natural drift of family life in contemporary America is toward slowly diminishing connection, meaning and community.”

21. http://youtu.be/PZsY7p-GNgk?t=1m45s Wisdom about “TRADITION” from Tevye, in the opening song of“The Fiddler on the Roof”