Behavioral Couples Therapy

1. Behavioral Couples Therapy

2. Issues Facing Couples Poor Communication (John ________) Lack of Intimacy

3. Communication Issues Poor Communication Commonly a problem in troubled relationships When intent does not equal impact What is Good Communication? Intent = Impact Clear and precise exchange of feelings and thoughts

4. Communication Issues Intent and Impact Intent of speaker’s message (emotional/ belief filter) ->(message)? (emotional/belief filter) Impact of speaker’s message Emotional/Belief Filter Emotions/ Beliefs about ________________ “This relationship will not last” Student examples Emotions/ Beliefs about _____________ “Tom is self-centered” Student examples Emotions/ Beliefs about ________________ “Men are unfaithful” Student examples

5. Communication Issues Reasons why intent may not equal impact Speaker Issues Speaker’s way of sending the message is inconsistent with his intent The speaker’s filter (emotions/ beliefs) may color the message Ex. Husband is angry at his boss, but it comes through in his voice tone as he reacts to his wife Wife: You will not believe what Johnny did today. Husband: No? What? (Angry, sarcastic voice tone) Listener Issues The listener may not hear the message the way it was intended The listener’s filter (emotions/ beliefs) may distort the message of the speaking spouse Ex. Husband to depressed wife Husband: “You look nice today” Wife: (He’s lying to me) “That’s so typical of you”

6. Communication Issues “Feedback” (the “Check out”) The solution for Intent-Impact discrepancies Definition: Feedback is when the listener tells ____________________________________ The speaker should ask for feedback “How did you receive what I just said?” “What is your reaction to what I just said?”

7. Common Problems in Couples Communication Off _______ Discussion of one ___________________ ________________ then another, and so on Consequence: None of the issues get resolved and the partners become more and more frustrated

8. Common Problems in Couples Communication Mind Reading Definition: When one partner ___________________ ________________ without asking. Husband: “I know you like romantic movies, so I made arrangements for us to see that new romantic movie tonight” Wife: “There you go again, making plans without consulting me. Besides, it’s insulting that you think that I’d like every romantic movie that is released.” The husband is mind reading. He assumes (1) that she likes all romantic movies,(2) that she wants to see this particular movie, and (3) that she wants to see the movie tonight.

9. Common Problems in Couples Communication ________ Sinking Definition: In discussions, regardless of topic, one or both partners ____________________ _______________ Husband: “Trust me, we went to your parents for Christmas last year.” Wife: “Trust you. How can I trust you. Do you think I forgot that you cheated on me when we were in college?”

10. Common Problems in Couples Communication ________________ Definition: One or both partners state a complaint in response to a complaint Wife: “I wanted to show you a sweater I bought on sale. I love it. But instead of being glad about it, you got made at me. That’s not fair.” Husband: “You have to learn to live within your means. I’ve wanted to take a nice vacation for a long time, but we can’t afford it. And you don’t get a job to add to our income.” Wife: “How can I feel like a woman when I can’t buy a simple sweater?”

11. Improving Communication Call a “Stop Action” All discussion stops and you talk about the discussion itself Feedback Ask for feedback on your impacts When giving feedback, make it clear, brief, specific, and on topic. Listening to feedback What is the content? What is the feeling? Summarize and Validate Paraphrase, in your own words, both content and feeling. Validate your partner’s perspective Check Impact Compare impact and Intent Discuss the discrepancy if one exists

12. Improving Communication Leveling When you ___ “X,” it makes me _____ “Y,” I would prefer _________ “Z.” Productive leveling vs counterproductive leveling Student examples

13. Improving Communication __________ Be considerate in your word selection Consider the impact of your message before you deliver it Nine rules of politeness Say what you can do and what you want to do (don’t say what you can’t do and what you don’t want to do) Give sincere and positive appreciation. If you have an issue to resolve, schedule a leveling session (don’t complain or nag) Be courteous and considerate (don’t be selfish) Express interest; try to listen; ask questions (don’t dominate the conversation) Allow your spouse to finish speaking (don’t suddenly interrupt) Say positive things about your spouse that you honestly feel (don’t put your spouse down) Criticize your ideas, not yourself (don’t put yourself down) Focus on the present situation. If you have an issue, schedule a leveling session. (don’t bring up old resentments) Think of your spouse’s needs; be empathic. If you have an issue to resolve, schedule a leveling session. (don’t think only of your needs)

14. Improving Communication Cooling Hot Conflicts “Fighting” (yelling, harsh tones, complaining) is less productive than a calm discussion of disagreements Steps Identify the need to take a break from each other Set _______________ and discuss the issue rationally (e.g., 45 minutes from now) Go to ____________; relaxation; ___________ Meet at table and attempt to discuss the issue rationally (if fighting re-emerges, go to Step 1)

15. Improving Intimacy _____________ increase/decrease as the frequency of intimate activities increase/decrease ________________ Time alone (intimate conversation/ physical contact) Shared activities (enjoyable to both) Sex Student examples

16. Improving Intimacy The Marital Relationship in Competition with __________ and Other Commitments Time Management Pragmatic Solutions _________ Days Day dedicated to meeting the needs of your partner Date Nights Evening out to re-kindle or maintain feeling of romance and/or “couplehood”