Dating & Relationships 101: Part 1

1. Dating & Relationships 101: Part 1 KCC Peer Mentors will discuss how to be "date safe", recognize warning signs & have a great dating experience. Sponsored by KCC Student Success Peer Mentors & Violence Prevention Task Force

2. The Student Success Peer Mentor Program’s mission is to navigate students through their journey to succeed at KCC in all aspects of student life, including academics, extracurricular & personal well-being. KCC’s Violence Prevention Taskforce mission is to provide prevention education & services to create a safer, more informed campus community.

3. _ ___ __ _______ ______ _____ _______ _______ ___ ___ __ ____ ____ __ __________ ____ __ _ ____ __ _______ _________ _______ _______ _____ _ _____ _ _____________ ________ _____ ________ __ ______ ____ ___ ________ ____ _______ ___ _ _______ ____ __ _______ ________ __________ ________ _______ ________ ______ __ ____________ _______ Did You Know That… In the U.S… • 1 in 4 victims report being stalked through the use of some form of technology (such as e-mail or instant messaging). – Stalking Resource Center, 2009 In Hawaii… • In 2009, approximately 400 forcible rapes occurred – up almost 10% from the previous year. – Honolulu News In Colleges… • About 50% of college students experience intimate partner violence. – Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 2010

4. What is a “Relationship”? “The way in which two or more people or groups regard & behave towards each other” (Oxford English Dictionary, 2010). • For our presentation, we will be focusing on intimate partner relationships. • The term “intimate partner” includes current & former spouses & dating partners (Centers for Disease Control & Prevention, 2009).

5. Before the First Date… • Sun & Sky are planning to go out on a first date. They met on campus, had a brief conversation & felt a “connection.” They exchanged phone numbers & made plans to meet for a casual lunch. They are both excited, but nervous. • What do you think they should wear?

6. Dressing for a First DateWhat’s your impression? 1 2 3 4 5

7. Dressing for a First DateWhat’s your impression? 1 3 2 4 5

8. What You Need to Know • What you wear may send different signals to your date. • Wearing too short skirts or shorts, widely open-necked tops, exposed underwear & so forth may give the “wrong” impression. • You have the right to dress the way you choose, but be conscious & aware of the messages it may be sending to others & be prepared to deal with it.

9. Safety Tips Before the First Date • Obtain information about the person ahead of time. • Consider going out with a group. • Meet in public & agree to meet your date there. • Let someone know the place & time of your date. • Carry cash & a cell phone. • Avoid being ALONE.

10. The Date… • Sun & Sky followed all of the safety dating tips that their friends gave them before their first date. Sun & Sky have just met at a cozy cafe’ & are now having a nice, casual lunch. • What are some safety tips that they should be thinking about while they are on their first date?

11. __ __ ____ ___ ____ _____________ ____ ____ _________ __ _________ __ ____ ____ _ ____ ________ ________ __ _______ ___________ __ _____ ___ __ ___ __ ____ _____ _______ _____ ___ _______ ____ __ _ _____ ___ ____ ________ ___________ Safety Tips on the First Date • Say “no” when you feel uncomfortable. • Trust your instincts. • Pay attention to your date’s body language & behavior. • Use alcohol responsibly (if legal ). • Keep an eye on your drink. • Consider using the “20 minutes rule”. • Don’t share too much personal information.

12. Safe Topics to Discusson the First Date • Where did you grow up? • What do you like to do? • Are you in school?/Do you work? • Have you travelled anywhere? • What do you like to eat? • What kind of music do you like?

13. Tips for Safe Conversations • Do not interrogate your date – the person may get defensive/angry. • Keep the conversation “light” – giving too much information may compromise your safety or your intentions may be misperceived . • Pay attention to “red flags” in your date’s verbal & non-verbal communication.

14. Ending the Date… • Sun & Sky had a great time. They both want to see each other again. They are trying to figure out how they should end the date. • Should they hug or kiss, shake hands, wave, or just say “thank you?”

15. Suggestions After aGreat First Date • Do what makes both of you feel comfortable. • Don’t feel pressured into taking it to the “next level.” • Go home separately. • Follow-up with your date if you’re interested in meeting again.

16. Suggestions After aNot-So-Great First Date • Be aware that your date may perceive the outcome of the date differently from you. • Be honest yet tactful about the date. • Be firm in your response if your date is persistent. • Do what feels comfortable for you.

17. Dating for a While… • Sun & Sky have been dating for almost two months. They are wondering if their relationship is healthy or unhealthy…

18. Healthy or Unhealthy? • Sky often tries to change the way Sun looks or acts. • Sun gets angry & jealous when Sky talks to other classmates, but this makes Sky feel wanted & special. • Sky constantly checks up on Sun throughout the day.

19. An Update on the Relationship… • Sun & Sky are approaching their six-month anniversary. As their friend, you are happy to know that their relationship has lasted this long. However, Sun just informed you that their relationship is becoming unhealthy. • As a friend, what can you do to help Sun?

20. Tips on Helping a Friend in an Unhealthy Relationship • Listen. – “I believe you.” • Acknowledge. – “No one deserves to be hurt.” • Express Concern. – “I am concerned for your safety.” • Respect Their Choices. – “It’s important for you to make decisions that are best for you.” • Be Supportive. – “You are not alone. I am here for you.” • Remain Objective. – “Do you honestly think their behavior is acceptable?” • Provide Encouragement. – “There are many resources that are anonymous & confidential.”

21. Community Resources (refer to Emergency Contact card) • Domestic Violence Action Center 808-531-3771 • Aloha Pride Center (support for LGBTI) 808-545-2848 • Sex Abuse Treatment Center 808-524-7273 • Na Loio (legal advice for immigrants)808-847-8828 • National Domestic Violence Hotline1-800-787-3224 TTY 1-800-787-3224

22. KCC Resources • Counselors & Instructors • LGBTI Campus Contact:Melvin Jadulangmelvinj@hawaii.edu734-9017 • Confidential Peer Educator Email: peered@hawaii.edu • Campus Security:734-9900

23. Sun & Sky Now… • Sun & Sky realized they were having relationship problems, so they decided to seek help through counseling & support groups. • Let’s discuss some guidelines that they learned…

24. What’s an Unhealthy Relationship? When partners… • constantly nag or criticize each other. • threaten or intimidate one another verbally. • will not accept breaking up. • use sex as a “bargaining chip.” • abuse drugs or alcohol or pressure the other partner in to using them. • insist on gaining access to private & social media accounts.

25. What’s a Healthy Relationship? When partners… • encourage shared & separate friendships. • treat themselves & each other with respect. • do not use manipulation to get what they want. • trust each other & are trustworthy. • make positive statements about each other’s strengths & achievements. • feel safe with one another.

26. Stay Tuned… Join us for Dating & Relationships 101: Part 2 KCC Peer Mentors will explore the impact of healthy & unhealthy relationships beyond the dating stage. Thursday, February 14 1:15 pm-2:15 pm Lama 118

27. Questions?  Thank you for coming!