Lesson 8

1. Lesson 8 Breaking Up & Dating Abuse

2. Breaking Up (Write in Notebook) • What are some common reasons for couples to break up? • Identify some really bad ways to break up…

3. Stay Together or Break Up? • Your partner lies to you repeatedly. He or she treats you well in private, but ignores you or does inconsiderate things to you in public. • Your boyfriend or girlfriend is nice, but truthfully you've really started to like someone else. • You decided to date him or her basically because you wanted to have a boyfriend or girlfriend, but it doesn't feel right. It feels awkward and you wish you were free to be yourself again. • Your feelings have changed. You just don't feel the same about him or her. Besides, you two hardly have anything in common. 

4. Stay Together or Break Up? • You find yourself fighting more and more and are unable to really talk things out. • Your partner’s feelings are much, much stronger than yours. He or she is pushing for a level of commitment and expectations for the relationship that you're not ready to make. You like him or her, but not in the same way he or she likes you. • You feel smothered by the relationship and are unable to do the things you want. • You don't feel you can really be yourself. You feel pressured to be someone you are not. • You want your partner to stop using drugs or alcohol, but he or she refuses.

5. Common Reasons for Breaking Up • Feelings change and partners grow apart. • Your expectations and choices may be different- about sex, drugs/ alcohol, future • Although two people may like each other, one of them may feel stifled. He or she may simply not be ready for a certain level of commitment. • One partner may have found someone else, or been unfaithful. In the U.S. the #1 reason for divorce is financial problems.

6. Really Bad Ways to Break Up • Get a friend to tell him or her. • Wait for a fight and then blame it on him or her. • Do things to make him or her break up with you. • Be nasty to him or her in front of your friends. • Just ignore him or her in the hopes he or she will get the message. • Start dating his or her best friend. • Break up by sending a text message.

7. Break Up Tips • Talk to a trusted friend or adult. • Discuss the reasons the relationship is not working. Saying it out loud can help you to identify issues that may have been hidden behind the LOVE BUBBLE. Or see that things you though were a big deal, maybe weren’t. • Pick a time and place- privacy is important! • Make a clean break- no mixed messages. • Have a method to avoid cruelty • Include what you like and appreciate about that person. But be careful not to give false hope. Note: Be careful using “I hope we can still be friends!”

8. Dealing with a Broken Heart • Face reality • Don’t be obsessed with winning this person back. • Don't blame yourself • Make a list of your positive qualities and a list of what you want in a partner. • Stay away from the revenge game • Forget about getting even or spreading rumors.

9. Dealing with a Broken Heart • Get perspective • Think of that relationship as a way for you to grow wiser. • Beware of rebounding • Don’t hop into another relationship • Get busy-do something physical everyday! • Get going with life • Call friends and make plans • Remember, things get better with time .

10. Red Flag- Warning Signs! Dangerous Love

11. Red Flags • Anyone can find themselves in an unhealthy relationship. • Some may be in relationships that are abusive and unsafe. • It is important to develop the ability to recognize when abusive behaviors are present- so that an quick exit can be made. • The deeper a relationship gets into abusive patterns the harder it is to get out.

12. Red Flag Activity • Your team should have 2 flags. 1-white and 1-red. • Read through the warning sign cards as a group. • When a Warning Sign Card is red- after it has been read entirely you will need to decide which flag it goes with. • Red = abusive • White = it depends

13. Drawing the Line of Respect!

14. Draw the Line of Respect • Some people are in relationships that aren’t very healthy or satisfying, while some find themselves in abusive relationships. • Tragically, some abusers will do anything- to the point of life threatening violence, even killing- to keep their partners from leaving.

15. Disrespect Murder! • This may seem dramatic, but dangerous relationships start with disrespect: • Put downs, criticisms, disrespectful comments and behaviors that make you feel less confident. • It progresses to more nasty arguments and more controlling behavior. • It can escalate into pushing, shoving, hitting, serious battery, and physical serious harm. • Every year approx. 1500 people (mostly women) are killed by their intimate partner in the US!

16. Red Flags & Warnings Signs • It is important to be able to recognize early warning signs and take action immediately. • Too many people are unaware of these warning signs and make excuses. • “They didn’t mean to hurt me, it was accident. They promise it will never happen again.” • Draw the line at the first sign of disrespect to ensure that it does not go any further.

17. Statement from a 24 Year Old Woman Would you start a relationship if you knew the end result would be your own murder? Staring a new relationship is always exciting, but sometimes the relationship can start to go wrong, you and your partner do not see eye to eye, or whatever. But it may be that there are warning signs. I had a friend that was in an abusive relationship. I sort of knew it, but didn’t say much. She once asked me if I thought her boyfriend was cheating on her. I replied by saying no, when in my heart I knew he was. She was killed by her boyfriend shortly after we talked. Sometimes we are unable to see the truth when we are in “love.” If you see a friend in a bad relationship, speak up when you have a chance to because you never know what tomorrow will bring I wish I could go back in time and tell my friend to get out of her abusive relationship, but I can’t now and she is gone forever. - Meagan

18. Skill Drills • Find a partner • Pick a Draw the Line Skill Drill Card • Decide who will play the Aggressor and who will play the Boundary-setter. • Read your situation card. Pretend it is an hour later or more and you have had time to calm down. • Your task it so talk this disagreement over- not fight. Make it realistic, but also listen to each other and be open-minded. • The goal is to get to a place of agreement and understanding on how to establish boundary lines, how to deal suspicious behavior, and upset or hurt feelings.

19. Skill Drills Reflection • Remember that even in conflict it is important that you are spoken to respectfully and treated as an equal. • Put-downs, name calling, accusations, threats, and controlling behaviors are not a part of a healthy relationship. • Dating abuse often begins with these small actions. • Your goal is to stop disrespect when it first starts!

20. Consider going in a group with friends the first few times you go out with a new person. Before leaving on a date, have a plan for doing something that is enjoyable. It shows respect and caring to make a real plan for a date (versus just hanging out and hooking up). Tell your parent(s) what the plans are and what time you will be home. Tell your date that you are expected to check in when you get in. Dating Safely

21. Have your parents meet your date. Stay clear of alcohol or drugs. Be aware of the decreased ability to react under the influence of alcohol or drugs. People tend to do things they normally would not do when under the influence. Dating Safely

22. It’s not wise to leave a party with someone you do not know. If you do, at least make sure you tell another person you are leaving and with whom. Ask a friend to call and make sure you arrived home safely. Assert yourself when necessary. Be firm and straightforward in your relationships. Dating Safely

23. Trust your instincts. If a situation makes you uncomfortable, try to be calm and think of a way to remove yourself from the situation. If you have any doubts or a “gut-level” feeling that things aren’t right, trust it and act. It is better to be embarrassed than hurt. Dating Safely

24. What if you are Worried about a Friend? • How do I know if my friend is in danger? • Does her partner embarrass or ridicule her in public? • Does her partner blame her for the way he acts or the things he says? • Have you seen evidence of injuries? • Have you accepted her explanations for a black eye or bruise? • Does she miss school frequently? • Does her partner show an unusual amount of control over her life? • Extreme jealousy?

25. What if you are Worried about a Friend? • What can I say to my friend? • You deserve better. You’re not being treated well. • Healthy relationships don’t include that kind of behavior. • I am afraid for your safety. • By accepting the behavior, you are giving him a green light to continue. It will probably get worse. • I am here for you. • (If appropriate) Just because you might have slapped or hit back, it doesn’t make the whole situation okay. You both need to learn better ways to handle your anger.

26. What if you are Worried about a Friend? • What Can I do? • Focus on her strengths. Give her the emotional support to know she is a good person. • Encourage her to end the relationship. • Encourage her to talk to an adult who knows more about dating abuse and who can help her. • Give her the hotline number. • Ask her or him to think about the future. Ask how she or he thinks it might feel to a child who has to live in a home where there is domestic violence.

27. National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline 1-866-331-9474 www.loveisrespect.org