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FAMILY COMMUNICATION Lecture 22a

FAMILY COMMUNICATION Lecture 22a. Communication in Everyday Life. TO MEET ALL OF OUR NEEDS. SELF-ACTUALIZATION. SELF ESTEEM. BELONGING INCLUSION, FUN. SAFETY SHELTER. PHYSICAL NEEDS AIR, FOOD, SEX. WHY FAMILIES?. FAMILY: DEFINITION.

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FAMILY COMMUNICATION Lecture 22a

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  1. FAMILY COMMUNICATIONLecture 22a Communication in Everyday Life

  2. TO MEET ALL OF OUR NEEDS SELF-ACTUALIZATION SELF ESTEEM BELONGINGINCLUSION, FUN SAFETY SHELTER PHYSICAL NEEDS AIR, FOOD, SEX WHY FAMILIES?

  3. FAMILY: DEFINITION • Family: “networks of people who share their lives over long periods of time; who are bound by ties of marriage, blood or commitment, legal or otherwise; who consider themselves as family; and who share future expectations of connected relationship” • AR

  4. Internal Provide care Socialization Intellectual development Emotional support and development Recreation External Transmission of cultural values Adaptation to social change FUNCTIONS OF THE FAMILY

  5. STRUCTURES OF THE FAMILY • POWER-AUTHORITY STRUCTURE • POWER HELD BY ONE OR BOTH PARENTS • CHILDREN DEVELOP OWN POWER • CLEAR AUTHORITY LINE OR VARIABLE • DECISION-MAKING STYLE • FORCING/ACCOMMODATION/COMPROMISE • COLLABORATION • AD HOC • INTERACTION STRUCTURE • WHO TALKS TO WHOM ABOUT WHAT

  6. FAMILY COMMUNICATIONLecture 22b Communication in Everyday Life

  7. FAMILIES AS “PEOPLE-MAKING FACTORIES” • FAMILY COMMUNICATION SHAPES • SELF-CONCEPT AND SELF-ESTEEM • COGNITIVE AND EMOTIONAL DEVELOPMENT • PARTICULARLY WHEN CHILD’S BEHAVIOR DOESN’T FIT FAMILY “RULES”

  8. FAMILY COMMUNICATION RULES • Regulative rules -guides to action • Obligatory: explicit: “you must” “you have to” or implicit example setting • Appropriate:not force of obligation but deemed “good behavior” • Constitutive rules - how certain communicative acts are to be counted • “Helping your brother means you care” • “Snide remarks are a sign of disrespect”

  9. HOW THE FAMILY COMMUNICATES ITS VIEWS OF CHILD: REVIEW • Direct definition • Labels (+ and -) and instruction • Not only defines self but self-worth (role names and character names) • Identity scripts • Who we are, how we are supposed to live, including T.A.’S ok/not ok life positions • Attachment styles • Secure, fearful, dismissive, anxious

  10. ATTACHMENTS STYLES BASED ON FIRST BOND WITH PARENT CAREGIVER: CONSISTENTLY LOVING AND ATTENTIVE CAREGIVER: INCONSISTENT - SOMETIMES LOVING THEN REJECTING CAREGIVER: CONSISTENTLY NEGATIVE, REJECTING, ABUSIVE CAREGIVER: UNINTERESTED, REJECTING

  11. PARENT TALK • THE MESSAGE (CONTENT) VERSUS THE • METAMESSAGE (RELATIONSHIP) Video Example

  12. PARENT TALK • THE MESSAGE (CONTENT) VERSUS THE • METAMESSAGE (RELATIONSHIP)

  13. Permissive Authoritative Child Centered, Hi parental involvement, Active interest in child’s life, Rules and limits clear but flexible. Negotiated structure and control. Open communication, Acceptance, Trust. Know where, with whom children are. Child Centered, responsive, warm, accepting, and child-centered, but non-demanding. They lack parental control. Neglectful Authoritarian Neither responsive nor demanding. They do not support or encourage their child's self-regulation, and they often fail to monitor or supervise the child's behavior. Their style is adult-centered and uninvolved. Demanding, but not responsive. Show little trust toward their children, and their way of engagement is strictly adult-centered. Often fear losing control, and they discourage open communication. PARENTING STYLES Hi Responsive Lo Lo Demanding Hi

  14. FAMILY COMMUNICATIONLecture 22c Communication in Everyday Life

  15. Teaching Advising Coaching Placating Lecturing Judging Derailing Mind Reading Moralizing Ineffective praising PARENTING GOALS:BE RIGHT OR DEVELOP CHILD’S CHARACTER (EQ)? LIGHT C.O.N.T.R.O.L. TALK: VARIABLE EFFECTIVNESS

  16. PARENTING GOALS:BE RIGHT OR DEVELOP CHILD’S CHARACTER (EQ)? HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L. TALK : INEFFECTIVE • Ordering • Threatening • Pitying • Shaming • Interrogating • Denying

  17. AUTHORITATIVE PARENTING MEANS D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. • DESCRIPTION • Try to stay as close to the bottom of the inference ladder as possible • Description is about “what is” (as you perceive, understand it) not about how it “should be” • I-MESSAGES • Start with I - Acknowledge other, describe your perceptions, needs, wants • ASKING QUESTIONS • The 4w2H questions - to seek info and create support not defense

  18. ASKING QUESTIONS IN D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. • DON’T JUDGE - SUPPORT • ASK QUESTIONS(4W2H): • WHAT -WHERE • WHEN - WHO • HOW-HOW MUCH • MAKE “DIDYA?” “WHAT DIDYA?” • CREATE SAFE PLACE FOR CHILD TO TALK • CLIMATE OF TRUST

  19. AUTHORITATIVE PARENTING MEANS D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. • LISTENING ACTIVELY • Only ask questions to clarify, not to give your opinion or tell your story. • Reflect back in your own words what other is thinking and feeling,to show full understanding. • Avoid telling them what they should be thinking/ feeling and avoid giving advice unless asked.

  20. AUTHORITATIVE PARENTING MEANS D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. • LISTENING ACTIVELY • Only ask questions to clarify, not to give your opinion or tell your story. • Reflect back in your own words what other is thinking and feeling,to show full understanding. • Avoid telling them what they should be thinking/ feeling and avoid giving advice unless asked. • OPEN ACKNOWLEDGMENT • I-message to show you understand from their point of view. • GENUINE SUPPORT • I-message(s) to affirm, compliment, thank or explain how things could go better

  21. WHEN CHILDREN “ACT UP” • Parent try various methods with no success. : • time-outs, • reward systems, • Scolding - “stop being a baby” and • spanking • Why no success? • Rather than addressing their children’s feelings, they are putting a “lid” on them • They have failed to address the real fuel source of their behavior – their emotions • M. S. Kurcinka, Parents, Kids and Power Struggles

  22. TWO KINDS OF PARENTAL RESPONSES • AUTHORITATIVE STYLE: INDUCTION • SELF-DISCPLINE AND EMOTIONAL SELF-MANAGEMENT • TALK WITH CHILD • HELP CHILDREN UNDERSTAND WHY THEY SHOULD FOLLOW RULES AND MANAGE THEIR EMOTIONS • THE CHILD LEARNS TO SELF-MANAGE • AUTHORITARIAN STYLE: CONTROL • EXTERNAL DISCIPLINE • POWER ASSERTION -ACTIVE C.O.N.T.R.O.L • LOVE WITHDRAWAL-PASSIVEC.O.N.T.R.O.L • BOTH SHORT TERM FIXES

  23. EFFECTIVE “DISCIPLINE” FEEDBACK FEEDBACK FOR INDUCTION • Non-Judgmental • Point of view: child is good, loved. Use descriptive language, adult voice. • Specific • Focus on particular behaviour/situation • Immediate • Do it as close to occurrence as possible • Ask Questions • Get their views, understanding, feelings about what happened

  24. EFFECTIVE “DISCIPLINE” FEEDBACK • Consistent • Predictability, follow rules you’ve set, keep promises • Disclose • Describe your own feelings (“I-messages”) Vs. tell them their feelings (“You –message”) • Congruent • Verbals and non-verbals match. Kids particularly vulnerable to incongruency. Double-bind effect. • Likely to create internal ethical standards - apply without parent there • Basis for Development of Emotional Intelligence

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