Family Communication

1. Family Communication William Berry, LMHC

2. Communication is to a relationship what breathing is to life • Virginia Satir

3. Video on couple communication viewed at this link: Video

4. Talking • The average amount of words spoken a day is 16,000. (Mehl, M; Vazire, S; Ramírez-Esparza, N; Slatcher, R; Pennebaker, J) • But do we actually hear one another? • Carl Rogers, a prominent psychology theorist and practitioner, stated that “when I take the gamble, the risk, of sharing something that is very personal with another individual and it is not received and not understood, this is a very deflating and lonely experience.”

5. 80-90% of waking hours include communication. (Beebe, Beebe, & Redmond; 2011) • This includes passive communication, such as radio or television. • We spend 60% of our time listening. (Treasure, J., 2011) • We retain only 25% of what we hear. (Treasure, J., 2011)

6. Over 86% of couples or families in counseling identify communication as one of the issues. (Beebe, Beebe, & Redmond; 2011)

7. Family Communication • Families have spoken and, more predominately, unspoken rules about communication. • The exercise can illuminate some of your family’s patterns of communication.

8. (Redmond; 2008)

9. Family Communication According to John Caughlin healthy family communication consists of: Politeness Discipline Humor Regular routine interaction Avoidance of hurtful topics (Beebe, Beebe, & Redmond; 2011) • Openness • Maintenance of structural stability • Expression of affection • Emotional / instrumental support • Mind reading

10. Relational Issues: Marriage • John Gottman (1994) identified what he called the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse, which indicated the health of a marriage: • Criticism-complaints are okay, they address behavior. Criticism addresses the person’s character.An excellent example is “What is wrong with you?”. • Contempt-According to Gottman contempt is a sarcastic and cynical approach, eye rolling, belligerence, and mockery.

11. Relational Issues: Marriage (cont.) • The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse, continued: • Defensiveness-often blames the other, saying it isn’t me, it’s you. • Stonewalling- the result of escalation of the other “horsemen” eventually results in one (or both) “tuning the other out”.

12. Relational Issues: Adolescence • Many researchers believe the goal of family relations is a democratic and intimate relationship. • However, the differing goals of parents and adolescent lead to “incompatible aims which make inconsistency inescapable.” • (Solomon, Y; Warin, J; Lewis, C: and Langford, W)

13. Relational Issues: Adolescence • The majority of disagreements occur because “teenagers and parents define the issues of contention differently” (Steinberg, pg. 121). • Parents: right and wrong • Teens: issues of choice • “Adolescents whose parents attempt to regulate what they believe are personal issues are more likely to describe their parents as being overly controlling.” (Steinberg, pg. 122).

14. Relational Issues: Adolescence • Despite the common stereotype of adolescent years being full of tumult: • The stereotype is inaccurate and partly a result of books focusing on the difficulties rather than normative development. • Studies indicate the more parents expect adolescence to be troublesome and that their teen will be, the worse the relationship becomes.

15. Relational Issues: Adolescence • Adolescents appear to do best when they grow up in a family atmosphere that permits the development of individuality against a backdrop of close family ties. (Steinberg, pg. 132)

16. Relational Issues, (cont.) • Reparation • How do you handle disagreements / conflict? • What are your repair attempts? • Do you take breaks to deescalate? • Do you joke, or apologize, or simply say I love you?

17. Listening • “Conscious Listening creates understanding.” • (Treasure, J., 2011) • Julian Treasure identifies four ways to improve interpersonal listening: • R-receive- pay attention to the speaker. • A-appreciate- allow your speaker to realize you are listening and appreciate what he / she is saying through making noises. • S-summarize- rephrase, “what I hear you saying is…” • A-ask- ask questions afterward.

18. Conflict • In a healthy, normal, romantic relationship, conflict occurs approximately 2x a week. • The longer you know someone, the more likely conflict is to arise. • (Beebe, Beebe, Redmond; 2011) • Communicating in anger is often counterproductive.

19. 10 physical behavioral 9 8 cognitive physical 7 6 behavioral 5 cognitive 4 physical 3 behavioral 2 cognitive 1 1-3 Irritated, Frustrated 4-7 Anger 8-10 Rage

20. Conflict Styles • The exercise can help you determine your most common conflict management styles.

21. Since the focus of this seminar is family, • Instead of “Same Sex Friend”, use “Sibling” or one of your children. (If neither apply, use a friend). • Instead of “Opposite Sex Friend” use another child or sibling. • If you prefer use “Partner” instead of “Parent”. (Redmond; 2008)

23. Conflict Styles • David Johnson uses animals to describe how people deal with conflict. (Goud, 2009) • Although multiple methods are generally used, people sometimes over rely on one, and use it at inappropriate times.

24. Conflict Styles • The Turtle- withdrawals from conflict / Avoidant. • The Teddy Bear- Soothes the conflict / Accommodation. • The Shark- Wants his goals realized no matter what. Competition • The Fox- Compromises, gives a little, gets a little. • The Owl- problem solves. Finds a way for all to get what they want. Collaboration.

25. Conflict Style

26. Conflict Styles Passive Aggressive Passive Aggressive Manipulative Assertive

27. Conflict Resolution • Use I statements • Make sure you make eye contact • Listen, demonstrate interest, don’t just think of defense. • The power of taking personal responsibility, saying I’m sorry or I love you. • Useful to express underlying feeling

28. Conflict Resolution • Slow everything down. • Mindfulness • Be watchful of voice tone and level. • What is the other individuals real message? • Rather than reacting out of conditioned responses, be mindful of who you want to be in the situation

29. Summary • Healthy communication brings benefits to relationships and to one’s sense of well-being. • Conflict is a normal part of life, and there are ways to deal with it effectively. • Communication patterns within families are usually well worn, and it is easy to slip into patterns which have been detrimental.

30. Summary • Mindfulness, bringing and keeping the desired change into consciousness as much as possible, is the beginning of change. • Be aware of the change you want to make, and focus on bringing that change into interactions.

31. Summary • Change is difficult, and it is expected one will slip into old patterns. • But don’t allow that to lead to giving up. • Any positive change is beneficial.

32. References • Beebe, S.A; Beebe, S.J; Redmond, M; 2011; Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others, Sixth Ed. • Goud, N; 2009; Psychology and Personal Growth. • Gottman, J; 1994; Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. • Headley, J; 2013; It’s not about the nail. Funny or die. Retrieved from: http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/70ca308603/it-s-not-about-the-nail

33. References • Mehl, M; Vazire, S; Ramírez-Esparza, N; Slatcher, R; Pennebaker, J; Are Women Really More Talkative Than Men?; Retrieved from http://homepage.psy.utexas.edu/homepage/faculty/pennebaker/reprints/MehletalScience2007.pdf • Redmond, M; 2008; Skillbuilder Workbook for Beebe Beebe and Redmond Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others • Rogers, Carl. 1969. Freedom to learn

34. References • Solomon, Y; Warin, J; Lewis, C: and Langford, W;Intimate talk between parents and their teenage children: democratic openness or covert control; Sociology, 2002, 36:4 965–983  • Steinberg, L; 2011; Adolescence, Ninth Ed. • Treasure, J; 2011; 5 ways to listen better; TED Talks. Retrieved from: http://www.ted.com/talks/julian_treasure_5_ways_to_listen_better.html