COPING WITH GRIEF AND LIFE-LOSSES

1. COPING WITH GRIEF AND LIFE-LOSSES Understanding the Grieving Process

2. Change is Loss “Since every day a little of our life is taken from us—since we are dying every day—the final hour when we cease to exist does not of itself bring death; it merely completes the death process.” Paul Tillich, The Courage to Be, p.14

3. Life-Losses • “Any loss that causes a significant change to our lives is a life-loss” • “Grief is the highly personal response to life-losses.” • “Grief is a natural response to loss”. • “Grief is the emotional suffering you feel when something or someone you love is taken away.” • “Grief is a transition, a long, slow, time-consuming, painful, healing process- a journey towards human wholeness.”

4. Life Losses • Life Losses that can cause grief: • Death of a loved one • Divorce or relationship breakup • Loss of health • Losing a job • Loss of financial stability • A miscarriage • Retirement • Death of a pet • Loss of a cherished dream • Loss of a friendship • Loss of safety after a trauma • Selling the family home

5. Adapting to Life-Losses “...[A]daptation involves the process of continually adjusting to circumstances that have changed or are changing. Adaptation is an ongoing process. People have to adapt daily to minor, sometimes major environmental challenges. ...” Doka and Martin, Grieving beyond gender, p.35

6. Adapting to Life-Losses • Mourning is the more frequent name to describe our adaption to life-losses. • Mourning is the process of dealing with our feelings or grief. • Mourning serves the purpose of restoring ourselves by accepting the loss, letting it go, and reinvesting ourselves in new people, causes, or things of value and meaning. • Mourning or “grief work” is a process that takes varying amounts of time and is unique for each individual person.

7. Adapting to Life-Losses The “how” of mourning. The how we do our “ grief work", regardless of the nature of our loss, may be one of the most important factor in how we are able to love and live as creative people.

8. Adapting to Life-Losses The mourning process: • Everyone grieves differently How you grieve depends on many factors • Your personality and coping style • Your life experience, • Your faith, • The nature of the loss

9. Adapting to Life-Losses Are there stages of grief? • In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross introduced what became know as the “five stages of grief.” • Denial: “This can’t be happening to me”. • Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?” • Bargaining: Make this not happen, and in return I will…” • Depression : “I’m too sad to do anything.” • Acceptance : “I’m at peace with what happened.” • Understand that the stages are simply responses to loss that some people have. • As Kubler-Ross noted in her last book before her death in 2004: “there is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss. Our grieving is as individual as our lives”.

10. “Pain that is not transformed is transferred.”

11. Transforming Life-Losses Common symptoms of grief: • Shock and disbelief – Right after a loss, it can be hard to accept what happened. You may feel numb, have trouble believing that the loss really happened, or even deny the truth. If someone you love has died, you may keep expecting him or her to show up, even though you know he or she is gone. • Sadness – Profound sadness is probably the most universally experienced symptom of grief. You may have feelings of emptiness, despair, yearning, or deep loneliness. You may also cry a lot or feel emotionally unstable. • Guilt – You may regret or feel guilty about things you did or didn’t say or do. You may also feel guilty about certain feelings (e.g. feeling relieved when the person died after a long, difficult illness). After a death, you may even feel guilty for not doing something to prevent the death, even if there was nothing more you could have done.

12. Transforming Life-Losses Common symptoms of grief :cont’d • Anger – Even if the loss was nobody’s fault, you may feel angry and resentful. If you lost a loved one, you may be angry with yourself, God, the doctors, or even the person who died for abandoning you. You may feel the need to blame someone for the injustice that was done to you. • Fear – A significant loss can trigger a host of worries and fears. You may feel anxious, helpless, or insecure. You may even have panic attacks. The death of a loved one can trigger fears about your own mortality, of facing life without that person, or the responsibilities you now face alone. • Physical symptoms – We often think of grief as a strictly emotional process, but grief often involves physical problems, including fatigue, nausea, lowered immunity, weight loss or weight gain, aches and pains, and insomnia.

13. Transforming Life-Losses Coping with grief and loss: • Find support after a loss • Turn to friends and family members • Draw comfort from your faith • Join a support group • Talk to a therapist or grief counselor • Take care of yourself • Face your feelings • Express your feelings in a tangible or creative way • Look after your physical health • Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel, and don’t tell yourself how to feel either. • Plan ahead for grief “triggers”.

14. Transforming Life-Losses When grief doesn’t go away: If you are not feeling better over time, or your grief is getting worse, it may be a sign of complicated grief or depression. • Complicated grief: being stuck in an intense state of mourning. Symptoms of complicated grief include: • Intense longing and yearning for the deceased • Intrusive thoughts or images of your loved one • Denial of the death or sense of disbelief • Imagining that your loved one is alive • Searching for the person in familiar places • Avoiding things that remind you of your loved one • Feeling that life is empty or meaningless

15. Transforming Life-Losses The difference between grief and depression. • grief can be a roller-coaster, with many ups and downs and swings of emotion. Grief involves a wide variety of emotions with a mix of good and bad days. Even in the middle of the grieving process you will have moments of pleasure or happiness, particularly when you recall a specific pleasant or humorist memory. • Depression on the other hand, does not go away. The feelings of emptiness and despair are constant. Symptoms that suggest depression, and not grief are: • Intense, pervasive sense of guilt • Thoughts of suicide or a preoccupation with dying • Feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness • Slow speech and body movements • Inability to function at work, home, and/or school • Seeing or hearing things that are not there

16. Transforming Life-Losses When to seek professional help for grief: If you recognize any of the above symptoms of complicated grief or clinical depression talk to a counselor. Left untreated complicated grief or depression can lead to significant emotional damage, and life-threatening health problems, and even suicide. Treatment can help you get better.

17. Re-defining hope Grieving allows us to heal, to remember with love rather than pain. It is a sorting process. One by one you let go of things that are gone and you mourn for them. One by one you take hold of the things that have become a part of who you are and build again. -Rachael Naomi Remen

18. Re-defining hope “After I was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease, I felt that even in this situation I could be useful to others. My intent with this book is to help others by sharing the story of God’s faithfulness to me, to provide information about Parkinson’s and how to live with it positively, and to encourage family and friends and those who have Parkinson’s disease.” Case J. Boot, Introduction, March 2011, p.4

19. Re-defining hope A Life-Loss of any kind, that is significant to you, is now part of who you are. It is part of what defines you. The question is how it will define you.

20. Re-defining hope “... What is, perhaps, the most surprising is that individuals continue to form close bonds with others, thus risking future loss and efforts to adapt. In his chapter on grief, Richard Kalish (1985) writes, ‘Anything that you have you can lose; anything you are attached to, you can be separated from; anything you love can be taken away from you. Yet, if you really have nothing to lose, you have nothing. (p.181)’” Doka and Martin, Grieving beyond gender, p.35

21. Re-defining hope The Christian Story is one of life overcoming death. This can be our story in the life losses that come our way if we are able to do our grief well and reinvest ourselves and our lives. One of the many ways that people fine to do that is by giving back through becoming part of a pastoral care team or pastoral visitor. Training is available to support persons in this role and thus helping to transform life losses.

22. ReFerences Boot, Case J. (2011). Sharing the Road: A Journey Through Parkinson’s Disease. Sioux Center, Iowa: Dordt College Press. Doka, K. J. and Martin, T. L. (2010). Grieving beyond gender: Understanding the ways men and women mourn. Revised edition.New York: Routledge—Taylor and Francis Group. Gosselin, Claire. (27 October 2010). “Grieving losses.” Dydactic presentation for 2nd Basic CPE unit, St. Joseph’s Chaplaincy Residency. Konigsberg, Ruth Davis. (March 14, 2011). “The truth about grief: The myth of its five stages and the new science of loss.” Accessed from AARP website on January 27, 2012. www.aarp.org/relationships/grief-loss/info-03-2011/truth-about-grief.html Tillich, Paul. (2000). The courage to be. 2nd edition. New Haven: Yale University Press. Worden, J. William. (2009). Grief counseling and grief therapy: A handbook for the mental health practitioner. Fourth edition. New York: Springer Publishing Company.