“You must understand…I am ordinary. Painfully ordinary. This is not modesty. This is a fact.

1. “You must understand…I am ordinary. Painfully ordinary. This is not modesty. This is a fact. Maybe you’re ordinary, too. If so, I honor your ordinariness, your humanness, your spirituality. I hope you will honor mine. That ordinariness is our bond, you and I. We are ordinary. We are human. The Creator made us this way. Imperfect. Inadequate. Ordinary. We are not supposed to be perfect. We’re supposed to be useful” Leonard Peltier Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

2. In Dignity: Responding to Interpersonal Violence Linda Coates, Ph.D. Shelly Bonnah, MA Centre for Response-Based Practice Duncan B.C. Canada Are You Really Listening? Best Practices in Treating Victims With Respect Perth, On March 19, 2013 Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

3. Kelowna Kamloops Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

4. Allan Wade Cathy Richardson Nick Todd Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

5. Dignity Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

6. Dignity • Social life is organized largely around the according and preserving of dignity (face). • Affronts to dignity create immediate social “problems” that participants work to repair. • Humiliation requires “just redress”. Failure to supply “just redress” leaves an open social wound. • Dignity is central to individual and collective well-being. Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

7. Dignity • Physical and psychological integrity (safety, security) • Self-worth • Concern for others • Dignity: The Heart of Social Life • Individuals orient to one another as autonomous agents and take care to preserve dignity. • Politeness (e.g., requests not demands), bad jokes, accidental farts • Social acknowledgement, inclusive hand gestures • Recognizing what/that people already know Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

8. Micro-practices of dignity in social interaction • Courtesy, politeness, embedded commands • Deference to social station (e.g., elders, leaders/roles) • Responses to failed jokes • Micro-politics of the accidental fart • Advice-design and receipt Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

9. Dignity and Resistance • For many victims, humiliation is the primary affront, the most lasting and painful injury “The bruises go away but you never forget what he said to you.” “He got my body but he didn’t get me.” • Responses and resistance are often oriented to preserving, asserting dignity • The violence may be only the first in a series of indignities delivered through social responses • Our central task, whatever else we do, is to acknowledge the dignity of the victim Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

10. Nelson Mandela I learned my lesson one day from an unruly donkey. We had been taking turns climbing up and down on its back and when my chance came I jumped on and the donkey bolted into a nearby thorn bush. It bent its head, trying to unseat me, which it did, but not before the thorns had pricked and scratched my face, embarrassing me in front of my friends. Like the people of the East, Africans have a highly developed sense of dignity, or what the Chinese call "face". I had lost face among my friends. Even though it was a donkey that unseated me, I learned that to humiliate another person is to make him suffer an unnecessarily cruel fate. Even as a boy, I defeated my opponents without dishonouring them. (1994, p. 11-12) Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

11. Victim Resistance • Ever present • Some of the best evidence of victim resistance, can be found in the actions perpetrators take to suppress anticipated resistance and overwhelm ongoing resistance • Victims take into account details of situation • Rarely effective in stopping the violence but this accentuates not diminishes its importance Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

12. Lotta: Margareta: Have things been okay at home? Lotta: Yes, but then yesterday mum and dad started fighting about something, but I just closed my ears. Margareta: What do you do when you close your ears? Do you use something to put in your ears? Lotta: No, I try not to care or try to talk to them about something else. Then I listen to really loud music so they’ll get angry at me instead. Lotta responded by ignoring and distracting herself from the “fighting”, then by changing the topic, and finally by offering herself as the problem. Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

13. Understanding the Forms of Resistance • Resistance, like violence, must understood in context. • In what context might the following acts be understood as forms of resistance to violence? • A teenage girl runs away from home and has multiple sexual partners. • A fourteen year old boy tells hisstep-father to come into his room. • Cyndy, a girl in foster care “cuts” herself repeatedly, nearly taking her own life. • A woman speaks of herself as mentally disordered. • A woman adopts the strategy of being raped. Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

14. Offender Strategies and Victim Responses If the offender tries to isolate the victim, virtually any way in which the victim refuses to be isolated can be a form of resistance. If the offender tries to humiliate the victim, virtually any way in which the victim tries to retain her dignity can be a form of resistance. If the offender tries to control the victim, virtually any way in which the victim tries to retain freedom can be a form of resistance. If the offender tries to blame the victim, then virtually any way in which the victim “knows” or “feels” that they are not to blame can be a form of resistance. etcetera . . . Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

15. A drop of longingsays as much about the human spiritas a grand gesture of love or defiance. (Allan Wade and Rainer Maria Rilke)

16. Effects vs Responses Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

17. Kick a rock or kick a person • If you kick a rock . . . • If you kick a person . . . Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

18. The “effects” and “responses” game • A house cat • An armed robbery • A child’s view of his parents’ divorce Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

19. Rain causes umbrellas • Umbrellas are effects/impacts/consequences of rain Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

20. Sexualized abuse causes depression, despair • Depression, despair is an effect/impact of sexualized abuse Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

21. Resistance is a response to, not an effect of . . . • Interviewing methods for elucidating and honouring individuals’ responses and resistance to violence and oppression • Distinction between responses and effects • Applies to social interaction in general, and to forms of adversity other than violence Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

22. Negative bias in the language of effects/impacts • A negative cause (spouse assault, rape) can produce only negative effects. We cannot say . . . • Child sexualized abuse causes alert and effective parenting • Alert and effective parenting is one of the leading effects or impacts of child sexualized abuse But we can say . . . • Many people respond to sexualized abuse by becoming alert and effective parents Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

23. How the language of effects conceals responses/resistance • A friend . . . • A woman who is attacked by her partner . . . Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

24. Response or effect? “When I was 15 or so I was touched up by the optometrist, and its meant I’ve never actually worn my glasses.” Example from Liz Kelly (1988) Surviving Sexual Violence Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

25. Resistance and other responses to adversity cannot be represented in the language of effects or impacts. • Human suffering cannot be adequately represented in a language of effects/impacts. • The complex distress we experience in relation to violence is already a form of resistance. • Against and for: What a person despairs against points to what they hope for. • Despair signals the insatiable desire for dignity and safety. Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

26. Violence is deliberate • (with rare exceptions) • Offenders anticipate and work to suppress victim resistance • Bank robberies • Purse snatching • Biker hangouts • Child violation • Offenders exercise control even in the most “explosive” attacks • In wife-assault, there is typically a history of skilled and sensitive and respectful behaviour before the offender begins to abuse. • Offenders work to manage social responses Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

27. Perpetrator Strategy and Victim Resistance • Victim engages in meaningful action force to do meaningless action (e..g, Road on Robben Island) • Victim speaks out against violence, gains support of others isolate, forbid to talk (e.g., Robben Island) • Victim closely bonded to and very loving of children  attack mother child bond through violence, claims of parent alienation, and seek custody Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

28. Violence is Social action by one person against the will and well-being of another involves two (or more) people, a victim and an offender occurs on the level of social action or behaviour, not the mind So . . . descriptions of violence should detail the actions of the offender and victim in context (including mental activities if possible/relevant). Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

29. First account of sexualized assault: He followed her down the sidewalk. He sped up to catch her. He grabbed her by the shoulders and threw her to the ground. He dragged her toward the bushes. He overpowered her and dragged her into the bushes. He held a rock over her head and threatened to kill her if she screamed. He called her degrading names. He forced his mouth onto her face. He tried to undo her belt. He grabbed at her pant legs to pull them off. He overpowered her and vaginally raped her. Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

30. Second account of sexualized assault: He followed her down the sidewalk. She sped up. He sped up to catch her. She moved to the side. He grabbed her by the shoulders and threw her to the ground. She rolled on the ground to get away. He dragged her toward the bushes. She grabbed the roots of a tree so he couldn’t drag her into the bushes. He overpowered her and dragged her into the bushes. She started to scream. He held a rock over her head and threatened to kill her if she screamed. She stopped screaming. He called her degrading names. She said, “You don’t want to do this. You don’t want to hurt me.”He forced his mouth onto her face. She averted her face. He tried to undo her belt. She stuck out her stomach so that he could not undo her belt. He grabbed at her pant legs to pull them off. She crossed her ankles so that he could not pull off her pants. He overpowered her and vaginally raped her. She went to limp to avoid injury and went elsewhere in her mind. Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

31. Contrasting Accounts • What is the difference between the two descriptions? • Which description is more complete and accurate? • What do we learn about the victim in the first description, the second description? • In which account does the full extent and deliberate nature of the violence stand out most clearly? Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

32. Understanding Interaction • To describe violence accurately, one must describe the interaction accurately: • Convey the violation of dignity • Describe responses and resistance of victim • Describe perpetrator action • AND the nature of the interaction: Violence is Unilateral NOT mutual Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

33. Violence is Unilateral • Violence consists of actions by one person against the will and well being of another • Mutual Acts vs. Unilateral Acts • Hand-shaking vs hand-shaking • Boxing • Kissing • Mutual acts imply and entail consent, co-action, co-agency, joint activity • “If you hit someone on the head with a frying pan, you don’t call it cooking.” (Anonymous Canadian genius) Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

34. Unilateral Mutual • forced his mouth on hers • wife-assault, beating • forced vaginal penetration • beating, attack, assault • workplace bullying • invasion, genocide • international child rape • kiss • abusive relationships • sex, intercourse • fight, conflict, argument • personality conflict • war, conflict, historical relationship problem • sex tourist, sex with minors Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

35. Assumed Equivalence in a Mutualizing Frame (with apologies for the heteronormativepronouns; from Coates & Wade) he had sex with her she had sex with him they had sex together he kissed her she kissed him they kissed she was in a loving relationship he was in a loving relationship they jointly created a loving relationship she was in an abusive relationship he was in an abusive relationship they jointly created an abusive relationship Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

36. “comfort women” “settlement” “collateral damage” “abusive relationships” “sex with a minor” “unwanted intercourse” Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

37. Car theft is not “auto sharing” Bank robbery is not a “financial transaction” Similarly . . . Wife-assault is not a “dispute” or “argument” or “abusive relationship” Child rape is not “sex with a child” or “child prostitution” Yet these constructions are commonplace in public and professional discourse. Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

38. Mutualizing Interventions • Argument ~ anger management • workplace abuse ~ conflict resolution • child/spouse abuse ~ mediation • bullying ~ non-violent communication • genocide ~ reconciliation Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

39. Three Vocabularies Violent/Unilateral Physical Mutual/Consensual forced his mouth on hers had mouth to mouth contact kissed forcibly grabbed her body touched her body fondled attacked, assaulted hit, punched, pushed fought threatened, humiliated yelled, insulted argued forced vaginal penetration vaginal penetration intercourse, sex Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

40. Wife-Assault The partners’ characteristics hold them together. . . . As abused partners adapt and become more compliant . . . the partners’ characteristics make them increasingly dependent on one another. After prolonged abuse they develop complementary characteristics: aggressive/passive, demanding/compliant, blaming/accepting guilt. (Anonymous Family Violence Project, 2008) Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

41. Wife-assault, Sexualized Assault: Judge’s Remarks “The appellant & his wife engaged in an argument . . . . Mr. X became upset over something said during this argument. He thereupon grabbed his wife’s neck, squeezing it until she nearly lost consciousness. He then let go. This brought the argument to an end. That the earlier of the two assaults arose spontaneously in the course of an argument is not in dispute. To that extent it can be said to have been unpremeditated. He was willing to take counselling in reference to his anger & his marital problems. He expressed his deep remorse for what had happened & his desire to improve the marriage. They went to bed and he said, ‘Jane, I’ll have to screw you one more time’, and he had intercourse with her. . . . It is obvious difficulties were present in the marriage.” Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

42. Consent and Sexualized Violence Against Children Canada, U.S., Australia, England and Wales Children 15 or younger cannot give consent to sex (With some exceptions e.g., re children close in age) Children do not understand the meaning or consequences Do not have the social or physical power to stop the violence Are often disbelieved and do not know who to trust Therefore, they cannot consent. Then . . . it is wrong – legally, morally, developmentally, socially – to portray children as engaged in sexual activity. Still, children are often portrayed as sexual partners to violent adults, in media, criminal justice, mental health, etc. . . Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

43. Macleans Magazine (2009): Priest sexually assaults three boys In 1969, John Swales and his brothers attended a summer camp for low income kids where they met a charming, larger than life volunteer named Father Barry Glendinning. [T]he priest soon became a surrogate big brother. He gained the trust of the boys’ parents, showered them with pizzas, movies and booze, and, when opportunity knocked, introduced them to sex. John was 10 years old when the first assault took place. “You name it, he did it,” Swales says. “The impact is so intense and so deep-rooted it is beyond my ability to express it. When you have sex at the age of 10 with your priest, it’s pretty weird.” John’s family won a landmark $1.3-million judgment against Glendinning and the London diocese, but not before a bitter court battle that dragged on for years (see Coates & Wade) Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

44. Priest sex to sex them to sex introduced them to sex when opportunity knocked, introduced them to sex sex have sex have sex at the age of 10 with you have sex at the age of 10 with your priest when you have sex at the age of 10 with your priest its pretty weird Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

45. Kamloops man accused of procuring sex with child (Vancouver Province Newspaper 2009) A 33 year-old man who allegedly wanted to purchase sex from a three-to-five-year-old girl remained in police custody Monday. The man was arrested Saturday night at a home in Kamloops where he went believing he was to meet a young child for sex. Police received a report from a person who said they had received a text message from the suspect. “The text allegedly asked the person to provide the suspect with a three-to-five-year-old girl for sex, and that he would pay for the service by way of a finder’s fee”, said Sgt. Scott Wilson. The man was arrested for procuring for sexual purposes under Sec. 212 of the Criminal Code. Wilson said the suspect is known to police and was charged with a sexual-related offence with a person under 12 years of age in 2008. He was convicted of sex assault in 1999, police added. Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

46. Kamloops man sex sex from sex from a three-to-five-year-old girl purchase sex from a three-to-five-year-old girl wanted to purchase sex from a three-to-five-year-old girl sex for sex a young child for sex meet a young child for sex believing he was to meet a young child for sex Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

47. Kamloops man cont’d sexual sexual purposes for sexual purposes procuring for sexual purposes the man was arrested for procuring for sexual purposes Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

48. Sexual Intentand Violent Acts: How False Descriptions Lead to False Inferences “wanted to purchase sex from a three-to-five-year-old girl” “believing he was to meet a young child for sex” “the man was arrested for procuring for sexual purposes” Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

49. Alternative: Re: Kamloops man violate violate a young child abduct and violate a young child planning to abduct and violate a young child Intent: “planning to abduct and violate” Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013

50. From Clear to Obscure Active: Bob hit Sue. Simple passive: Sue was hit by Bob. Agentless passive: Sue was hit. Nominalization: An assault took place. Mutualizing: There was a domestic dispute. Centre for RBP Coates, L 2013