Raising Resilient Children

Raising Resilient Children Danny Waddle, EdS, LMHC, LCAC Kimble Richardson, MS, LMHC, LCSW, LMFT, LCAC St. Vincent Stress Center Indianapolis, IN

Every 9 seconds A high school kid drops out.

Every 10 seconds A child is neglected or abused.

Every 5 minutes A child is arrested for a violent crime.

Every 4 hours A child is a victim of homicide.

Every 4 hours A child commits suicide.

Resiliency The ability to rebound from adversity while keeping a positive self image and view of the world.

History & Research • Developmental Theories • Humanistic Theories • Longitudinal Studies

History & Research Even youth with multiple and severe risks in their lives can develop into “confident, competent, and caring adults.” (Werner & Smith, 1992)

Longitudinal Studies • Between 1/2 and 2/3 of children can overcome odds of a life of risk • Growth and development occur naturally in the presence of certain environmental circumstances

Protective Factors • Caring Relationships • High Expectations • Opportunities for Participation (Comer, 1984; Edmonds, 1986)

Caring Relationships “The presence of at least one caring person – no matter how awful a child’s behavior – provides support for healthy development and learning.” (Werner & Smith, 1989)

Role Models Aside from family, who are the most frequently encountered positive role models in the lives of resilient children?

High Expectations Schools that have this also have academic success and low rates of: • Drop outs • Teen pregnancy • Drug abuse • Delinquency (Rutter et al., 1979)

High Expectations “Through relationships that convey high expectations, students learn to believe in themselves and in their futures, developing the critical resilience traits….” (Kidder, 1990)

Opportunities for Participation …is a fundamental human need. …encourages youth to give back to the community and fosters resiliency.

In Schools… Encourage critical thinking and dialogue Have more hands-on learning Involve students in curriculum planning Allow students to create governing rules of the classroom Employ peer helping, cross-age mentoring and cooperative learning Opportunities for Participation

What is Resilience? Definitions

Definitions • Inner Strength • Capacity to Cope • Confidence • Clear and Realistic Goals • Other and Self Respect • Bounces back from trauma (Brooks & Goldstein, 2003 and 2002)

Resilient Children • Are hopeful • Have high self-esteem • Feel special • See obstacles as challenges versus stressors to overcome • Focus on controllable factors (Brooks & Goldstein, 2003 and 2002)

Resilient Children Need to face adversity and challenges.

Resilience… is more of a process than a trait.

Epperson Family

Ten Guideposts “Nurturing Resilience in Our Children” – Robert Brooks, PhD and Sam Goldstein, PhD, Pgs 7-9

Ten Guideposts BeingEmpathic Identifying and Rewriting Negative Scripts Communicating Effectively Believing in their Worth

Empathy • What is it? Putting yourself in your child’s shoes.

Empathy “Would I want anyone to speak to me in the way I am speaking to this child?”

Empathy • Adult Obstacles • We tend to practice what we’ve lived. • It’s difficult to be empathic when we’re angry • Believing the child’s goal in life is to make me angry • Wondering if I’m “giving in” by showing empathy

Rewriting Negative Scripts • What is it? Helping children to reflect, analyze, and act on productive solutions.

Rewriting Negative Scripts “My children are going to outlast me. I better think of something else to say.”

Rewriting Negative Scripts • Principles of Change • Accept the adult side of the change • Define the problem • Evaluate your current script • Every problem has a positive solution • Try, try again

Communicating Effectively • What is it? • Active Listening • Undivided attention • Time for real discussion • Family meetings

Communicating Effectively “So what I understand you saying is…”

Believing in their Worth • What is it? • The most basic guidepost. • Feeling special and appreciated. • Believing in a child’s value.

Believing in their Worth • Principles • Let positive childhood memories guide you. • Create traditions and special times. • Don’t miss important occasions in your child’s life. • Build up, don’t chip away. • Accept them for who they are vs. what you want them to be.

Ten Guideposts Being Accepting Viewing Mistakes as Learning Opportunities Focusing on Strengths Building Self-Esteem

Being Accepting • What is it? Accepting children for who they are. Builds a less tense parent/child dynamic.

Mistakes as Learning Opportunities • What is it? Helping children develop problem solving and critical thinking skills The “learn to swim” mindset

Mistakes as Learning Opportunities • Principles to Consider • What were your parents’ responses to mistakes you made? • When you make a mistake notice what you say and do…your children will.

Focusing on Strengths • What is it? Emphasizing strengths vs. playing up the negatives Notice various types and levels of talents

Building Self-Esteem • What is it? An internal sense of control, self-advocacy, problem solving, and decision making that is nurtured by others.

Ten Guideposts Fostering a Sense of Responsibility Using Discipline to Teach

Sense of Responsibility • What is it? Encouraging children to make a contribution at school, home and/or community.

Raising Resilient Children