Cinderella and the Prince Fictional Couple Presentation Kim Kubal

1. Cinderella and the PrinceFictional Couple PresentationKim Kubal

2. Cinderella and the Prince • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=20DF6U1HcGQ

3. Cinderella and the Prince

4. Profiles Cinderella • In individual therapy • Trauma/abusive background • Aware of splitting based on distorted world view from her trauma background • Healing from being rescued, feeling worthless and passive • Is kind and courageous • Unaware of her charms • Wanting to individuate

5. Profiles (cont.) Prince • Just started in individual therapy • Entitlement • Codependent • Wanting to save and take care of Cinderella • Prince is realistic about the King’s expectations of him as next in line for throne • He is over-responsible in his duties

6. History of Presenting Problem • Deeply love each other • Cinderella is beginning to individuate and does not want to be rescued by Prince • Cinderella projects her lack of trust/safety/betrayal from trauma background onto the Prince • Prince’s codependency (feeling responsible) and entitlement stifles Cinderella • Prince and Cinderella communicate in ways that they do not hear each other

7. Case formulation

8. Treatment PlanThe Gottman method

9. Treatment PlanDevelopmental Model of Couples Therapy (Couples Institute Menlo Park) • Drs. Bader and Pearson devised The Developmental Model of Couples Therapy which covers normal and natural stages and struggles that growing couples encounter.

10. Treatment PlanImago Relationship Therapy •  According to Hendrix, it is "the image of the person who can make me whole again." We find partners who help us complete the unfinished business of childhood. Our adult relationships and struggles feel familiar because they remind us of our primary caretakers. These relationships present us with the opportunity to heal past wounds and find deep relational fulfillment. But it's an opportunity, not a guarantee. Hendrix writes: • Our unconscious need is to have our feelings of aliveness and wholeness restored by someone who reminds us of our caretakers. In other words, we look for someone with the same deficits of care and attention that hurt us in the first place. • So when we fall in love, when bells ring and the world seems altogether a better place, our old brain is telling us that we've found someone with whom we can finally get our needs met. Unfortunately, since we don't understand what's going on, we're shocked when the awful truth of our beloved surfaces, and our first impulse is to run screaming in the opposite direction.

11. Goals of Treatment • Build love maps • Sharing fondness and admiration, accept each other as is • The positive perspective (seeing your partner as a friend, not an adversary) • Managing conflict • Making life dreams come true • Creating shared meaning – share narrative • Trust • Commitment • Help create conscious relationships • Identify their unconscious emotional injuries that impact relationships negatively • Become aware of underlying needs that are needing attention • Exchange desired behaviors that will meet these needs • “I statements” – work on communication • Attending CODA and ACA 12-step meetings • Reading Hendrix’s “Getting The Love You Want”

12. Transference • Cinderella needs to be seen and heard by me • Cinderella transfers her unmet needs onto me • Since Prince is codependent and feels responsible for others feelings, he wants to take care of Cinderella and wants a quick fix to the marriage • Prince projects his entitlement issues onto me

13. My Countertransference • More vulnerable to Cinderella's trauma and abuse • More vulnerable to Cinderella as a female and that she has completed more therapy than Prince • More vulnerable to Prince as an authority figure and entitlement issues

14. Patterns of Communication Cinderella Prince Codependency issues incl. wanting to take care of Cinderella Meeting Cinderella's unmet needs Not taking care of himself Feeling over-responsible Worries of taking over as King Entitlement issues • Codependency • Unresolved issues from abusive past • Lack of trust and safety • Projection of parental figures onto each other • Starting to individuate -does not want to be taken care of

15. Defensive Structures • They have a repetitive history of re-triggering emotional trauma in each other and not repairing it. • They don’t have the ability to repair when they hurt or do damage to one another. • They lack skills or knowledge.

16. Problematic Behaviors Cinderella Prince Codependency issues – feeling responsible, wanting to take care of C Projection issues Entitlement issues • Splitting • Projection issues • Lack of trust/safety • Not being seen/heard

17. Strengths of Couple • Love and respect each other • Both in therapy, and attending ACA and CODA meetings • Both are kind and courageous • Both are in the process of individuating and finding their “niche”

18. Session 1 K: Welcome and what brings you into therapy today. I know you both are in individual therapy which I commend you for. C: Thank you. We both want to be able to communicate in a loving way and not be triggered by our unresolved issues nor project those issues onto each other. P: Both of us believe in a H.P. and believe it takes work to have a loving relationship. K: I would like to hear both your narratives and the conflicts you see in this relationship today. C/P share their narratives and how they first met.

19. Session 2 K: Welcome back. Since we did not have much time to go over the conflicts as you see them, perhaps you would like to share more now. C:My trauma background with lack of trust and safety gets in the way of communicating. P: My wanting to take care of C. is a problem as she is individuating and wanting a career first before a baby. Our communication styles are very different. K: C, I also see your individuation going on, and wanting to be separate, while P wants a heir to the kingdom and wants to take care of you since this did not happen as a child K: I hear your conflicts and your willingness to work through these conflicts. I also see you both love and respect each other. After much discussion, they both went away to think more of their separate family of origin-issues and the heavy influence it has on their relationship. We will explore more of this next week.

20. Session 3 K: Welcome back. You seem to be happier today and more content. C: We both talked about our family-of-origin issues and projecting those issues onto each other. P: Going to ACA and CODA helps a great deal as we can share and listen to others in the meeting going through similar issues and we don’t feel so alone now. K: Since the first 3 sessions are getting to know each other, I would like to hear your feedback, how we are progressing. C: I feel fear come up as I am sharing more honestly and being more real with P now. P: I am trying to not feel responsible for C and not caretake anymore. It’s hard for me, however when I feel it’s hard, I share and C understands then where I am coming from. K: Wonderful! You both have wonderful insights into yourselves, and each other, and try not to blame each other. I am giving you a set of 40 questions I would like you to answer in the coming week and we can discuss in the following week. I then go into more discussion regarding the questions.

21. List of Questions • Here are 40 relationship questions to ask to for intimacy: • 1.  What should I never say to you, even in anger or frustration? • 2.  How much time and space do we need apart from each other? • 3.  What activities and interests can we develop that will bring us closer? • 4.  What is going to really set you off? • 5.  What happens if we can’t agree on something important that involves both of us? • 6.  What kind of physical touch best says “I love you” to you? • 7.  What could I do that would cause you to pull away from me? • 8.  How many days between sex will be too long? • 9.  When you get home from work, what would you like me to do or say in the first few minutes? • 10. Who do we know that has the kind of intimacy that we want? • 11. What changes will I need to make in order for you to be really happy? • 12. Where will we be in this relationship five years from now? • 13. What’s the biggest lesson I can learn from you?14. What do you do when you feel hurt by me? • 15. What will ruin our relationship? • 16. What habits do I have that are upsetting to you? • 17. How can we both get our needs met when we want different things on a particular day? • 18. What happens if one of us needs more space that the other? • 19. What do we do if both of us are having a bad day? • 20. How affectionate would you like to be with me?

22. List of Questions (cont.) • Here are 40 relationship questions to ask to for intimacy: • 1.  What should I never say to you, even in anger or frustration? • 2.  How much time and space do we need apart from each other? • 3.  What activities and interests can we develop that will bring us closer? • 4.  What is going to really set you off? • 5.  What happens if we can’t agree on something important that involves both of us? • 6.  What kind of physical touch best says “I love you” to you? • 7.  What could I do that would cause you to pull away from me? • 8.  How many days between sex will be too long? • 9.  When you get home from work, what would you like me to do or say in the first few minutes? • 10. Who do we know that has the kind of intimacy that we want? • 11. What changes will I need to make in order for you to be really happy? • 12. Where will we be in this relationship five years from now? • 13. What’s the biggest lesson I can learn from you?14. What do you do when you feel hurt by me? • 15. What will ruin our relationship? • 16. What habits do I have that are upsetting to you? • 17. How can we both get our needs met when we want different things on a particular day? • 18. What happens if one of us needs more space that the other? • 19. What do we do if both of us are having a bad day? • 20. How affectionate would you like to be with me?

23. References • Imago relationships. Retrieved from http://www.onerelationshipatatime.com/about_imago_relationship_therapy.html • Gottmanmethod. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/about/the-gottman-method/ • Couples Institute. Retrieved from http://www.couplesinstitute.com/ • Relationship questions. Retrieved from http://liveboldandbloom.com/08/relationships/relationship-questions-to-ask