Strategies for Dealing with Challenging Parents and Students

1. Strategies for Dealing with Challenging Parents and Students John Sommers-Flanagan, Ph.D.Department of Counselor Education, University of Montana – john.sf@mso.umt.edu Tip sheets and resources: johnsommersflanagan.com

2. Why a Workshop for Working with Parents? • Opening survey • It’s easy to be afraid of (or angry at) parents • Parents have special needs and interests • Parents can be critical consumers • Parents sometimes say things that throw us off our helping/counseling game (Bite-back)

3. Workshop Overview • This workshop is rated “PG” • A blend of personal discoveries and evidence • Caveats and excuses • This is YOUR workshop • Talking and not talking – Practice • Communicate respectfully • We will never get finished

4. Workshop Plan: Review and Practice 8 Easy Steps 1. Channel Your Wisdom and Common Sense 2. Get Curious, Not Furious 3. A Way of Being with Parents 4. Understand and Embrace Your Power 5. Cultivate Self-Awareness 6. Use Magic Words and Strategies 7. Set Limits 8. Problem Solve with Parents and Students

5. Role Play Volunteer • Come up and tell me about some hassles you’re facing at work (and feel free to exaggerate!!). • Debriefing • What did John do? • How did it work? • What dynamic was operating?

6. Channel Your Common Wisdom • Working effectively with parents partly boils down to relationship common sense • Avoid being too bossy or insulting • Avoid implying that people are being stupid or silly • Avoid backing people into corners • And DO NOT live by the Satanic Golden Rule

7. Common Wisdom II The Satanic Golden Rule

8. Common Wisdom III • Trivia Questions • What is the Satanic Golden Rule? • *What is a significant problem or flaw associated with living by the SGR?

9. Common Wisdom IV • Answers • Revenge stimulates revenge – It never ends • You give away your power and become a negative follower instead of a positive leader • And the winner is . . . !

10. Common Wisdom V • Create your own positive respect bubble • And watch out for the REVENGE IMPULSE • How does this apply to students? • Common wisdom = Caring and interest

11. Get Curious, Not Furious • What Makes a Difficult Parent Difficult? • Five Minute Brainstorm • Tell each other stories • Generate a short list of WHY you think difficult parents are difficult? • Bring it back to the big group

12. Get Curious, Not Furious II • Your BEST Explanation for Difficult Parents • Divorce class story

13. Get Curious, Not Furious III • Why Do We Need an Explanation? • To address problems we need to understand them (and not just react) • Our plan needs to address underlying dynamics • We carry around our own implicit theories anyway – we need to make them explicit • Our implicit theories are (usually) insensitive and unempathic

14. A Common Theory** • I’d like you to join with me • Parents can be highly insecure [inferiority/superiority dynamics] • Parents can be very protective • They have distinct expectations • This results in parents being highly reactive • Why is this good news?? • They will react to your E and C

15. A Way of Being with Parents • The Principles • Empathic understanding – Avoid premature problem-solving • Radical acceptance – Avoid judgment • Collaboration – Work with, not on • Bonus principle – Counterconditioning** • Double bonus principle – USE MAGIC WORDS • Summary: Listen before you educate

16. A Way of Being with Parents • Empathy x 2: There are two forms of empathy with parents • General – It’s hard to be a parent; parents are judged – Dear Abby example • Specific – Clean your room story • Some parents REALLY NEED to tell you a parenting story • **What words should you NEVER say??**

17. What Parents Hear • “I understand” really means: • “I’m magnificent and you’re pathetic” Or • “I know what you’re going through” • “Have you ever. . .” really means: • “I know all about what you should be doing” or • “You’re too dull-witted to know what I know”

18. A Way of Being with Parents • Radical Acceptance as an Attitude (from DBT) “I accept you as you are and am fully committed to helping you change” • Don’t say this, but BELIEVE IN IT especially when parents say something extreme

19. A Way of Being with Parents • Radical Acceptance as Skill • Parent Volley: “I know it’s not popular, but I believe in spanking. When I was a kid, if I talked back I’d be picking myself up off the floor. Kids don’t have any discipline these days and as a parent, I have a right to parent my kids any way I want.” • Teacher Return: “Thanks for being so honest about what you’re thinking. Lots of people believe in spanking and I’m glad you’re being straight with me about your beliefs.”

20. A Way of Being with Parents • Radical Acceptance Follow-Up • Parent Response: “Yeah. Okay.” • Teacher Return: “But I’m not all that positive about the picking yourself up off the floor thing.” • Parent Response: “Oh no. I didn’t mean I think that’s right.”

21. A Way of Being with Parents • Practicing Radical Acceptance • Group participation – Volunteer example • “Thank you. . .” or “I appreciate. . .” • What words work well for you? • Practice this. It won’t happen spontaneously

22. A Way of Being with Parents • Ten-Minutes of Acceptance • Radical acceptance requires lots of practice • Take turns (5 min each) listening to each other – You can role play or just be yourself • Your listening goal: To convey acceptance and respect . . . That’s all! [NO OPINIONS!] • Be ready to report back if you want to

23. A Way of Being with Parents • Collaboration: How do we facilitate collaboration? • Collaboration as attitude: Not knowing or understanding too quickly [Difficult] • Ask permission • Tell parents YOU WANT TO work with them • Tell parents you respect their knowledge

24. Counterconditioning • Find your counter-conditioning mojo • Case: Ty and the Big Trauma Boy • One BIG hurdle is ANXIETY (or fear) • How do we get reluctant students and parents comfortable with us?

25. **The Counterconditioning Model • In 1924, Mary Cover Jones concluded: “We found unqualified success in removing fear with only two strategies” • We associated the fear-object with a craving-object and replaced the fear • [Using] social imitation we allowed children to share social activity with a group of “high prestige” children

26. **What did Jones use with Peter? • _____________? • Challenging students and parents are aversively conditioned to teachers and counselors! • We should use counterconditioning to get them comfortable in the room with us • What do you use? What will you use?

27. **The Bonus Way of Being** We should use counterconditioning to get people comfortable with us

28. A Way of Being with ParentsThe Philosophy • Because parents are vulnerable . . . • We are (1) empathic, (2) accepting, (3) collaborative, and (4) use counter conditioning [with students, add care + interest + genuine] • We look for positive goals and love [Reframe] underneath anger and imperfect parenting • We join with difficult parents to support their children’s education

29. Understand and Embrace Your Power:A Teacher Influence Model • What parents want • Parents generally want to know how to be a positive force or influence in their children’s lives . . . So their children turn out relatively happy and free (e.g., not in prison) • How you influence parents and student . . . And how parents influence their children

30. Embrace Your Power:Reasons to Behave • To mitigate reasons for misbehaving (attention, power, revenge, inadequacy), teachers need to provide parents (and students) with: • A Sense of Belonging; and • Feelings of Usefulness

31. Embrace Your Power I • Direct Power • Grandma’s Rule • Do it . . . now! [Whisper story] • Passionate Praise and Boring Punishment [Most people do this backward] • Give it (rewards), Take it (privileges) • Pre-set Rules with Consequences (Math books)

32. Embrace Your Power II • Indirect Power • The new attitude (eliminate the dread) • Modeling • Encouragement • Character feedback • Give choices

33. Embrace Your Power III • Problem-Solving Power • Solution talk: How did you? • Behavioral alternatives • What has worked before? • Mutual problem-solving – Later • Class-generated rules • Educational offerings: TEDx, PPPP, etc. [Would you watch, listen, and tell me what you think]

34. Montana’s Own Parenting Podcast

35. Practically Perfect Parenting Podcast

36. Embrace Your Power IV • Relationship Power • Everyday connection and greeting • Recreation and play (and food**) • Special time – Later • A favor or I.O.U. • Guilt (I’m disappointed)

37. Embrace Your Power: Guidelines • Emphasize belonging • Emphasize usefulness • Use a balance of power strategies • Have high hopes, but realistic expectations • Lean on your colleagues for support • Remember what’s important

38. Power Pyramid

39. Cultivate Self-Awareness:What Can Go Wrong? • A parent pushes your buttons • You lose your cool • You forget how to apply a technique or strategy • You fall into the natural pattern of backward behavior modification • Parents engage in threatening behaviors • Others?

40. Cultivate Self-Awareness:Preparation • Preparing for button-pushing • Get in small groups • Share your BIG emotional buttons • Report to the big group

41. Cultivate Self-Awareness:Preparation II • Responding to questions about credentials or competence (or lack of parenthood) • Reflect the message • Acknowledge reality • Offer an invitation for collaboration • Self-disclosure: When and how much and what kind? [Joining, empathic]

42. Cultivate Self-Awareness:Preparation III • Four (or more) paths to calmness • Calming songs • What works for you? • **I feel my anger and see my anger** • **I’m just going to listen to you for a while**

43. Magic Words and Strategies • Volunteer • Observers track and identify anything they think John does that might defuse the parent’s strong emotions

44. Magic Words and Strategies II • Listen with respect • Use radical validation: “Of course you’re angry. This situation that could make anyone angry.” • Show VAGUE empathy: “This situation is clearly very upsetting to you.” • Side with the emotion—not the behavior

45. Magic Words and Strategies III • Join the Parent • “I wish _ _ _ _ _ _ _” • Share the feeling: “This is the sort of thing that can really upset me too.”

46. Magic Words and Strategies IV • Ask permission • Acknowledge expertise • Ask: What do you think? [Best explanation; best strategy] • Use experimental language – Try together? • Use proactive calls

47. Magic Words and Strategies V • Time for Practice • Get a partner • Be difficult, but not too difficult • Take time-out to discuss and debrief as needed • Check back in

48. Set Limits • Remember: You’re the boss • You set the limits on what’s appropriate and not appropriate in your setting.

49. Set Limits II (practice these) • Be the boss you’d like to have yourself. • You can be direct or use distraction to shift the mood and change the situation [Voice example] • Give a choice: You can sit down or leave or go see the principal – you choose. • Set the limit – By asking the parent/student: “What will happen if . . .?” • Set the limit – By stating it yourself

50. Problem-Solve with Parents and Students • Join with the parents/students to discuss how they can comply: “You have to follow the rules, but how can we work this out?” • Hope along with the parent/student for a positive outcome: “I really hope you (we) can succeed with this.”