Handling Self Defeating Beliefs

1. Handling Self Defeating Beliefs By Robert Bircher Lawyers Assistance Program

2. Self Defeating Beliefs • A self defeating belief is a narrative or story you believe about yourself that makes you vulnerable to painful mood swings as well as conflicts in your personal relationships • It is an attitude that is always with you, a part of your personal philosophy or core values • Many are culturally supported “If you are hardworking and productive you are a good and worthwhile person”

3. Self Defeating Beliefs • They tend to be created in childhood and are often held for life, unless an intervening process occurs • They may be partly or generally accurate-but they almost always have cognitive distortions • They result in ineffective attitudes, behaviors and emotional responses and can be extremely devastating or even deadly in some cases(suicide)

4. The story I tell myself • Another way to describe it is an inaccurate irrational core belief that limits my potential • If you have an irrational core belief “I am no good at music, in fact I am tone deaf” then it is highly probable you won't pursue a career in music or have much to do with it or have interest in it-thus missing out on a part of life • If the belief is “accurate” then it is not self defeating or irrational-the difficulty is many self defeating beliefs seem accurate but are not

5. Cost and Benefit of Beliefs • Rather than think of self defeating beliefs as good or bad or right or wrong it is more useful to look at advantages and disadvantages, for you, of these beliefs • For example if I believe that “I must be a success in life to be a worthwhile person”-the advantages are that you may work harder to be successful-the disadvantage is that when you are not successful you will feel worthless-another disadvantage is that you may not feel that you are successful enough-or not as successful as you should be • With this common and simple belief you have made your self esteem conditional

6. Two Edged Swords • Most core beliefs have both advantages and disadvantages-most people never analyze them closely and just assume they are a net benefit which may or may not be accurate • Another popular belief is that “I must be loved to be worthwhile”-advantages of this belief are that you will likely work hard on personal relationships and value others-disadvantages are that if you are rejected by another person you will feel worthless and inadequate; also if someone is mad at you may react and avoid the conflict instead of hearing what the other person is upset about

7. Change the Story • A good idea is do a cost –benefit analysis of your beliefs-most beliefs have both costs and benefits • Changing the story you tell yourself changes your behavior, changing your behavior means you get different results in your life • The trick is to get a better story and believe in it as much as you did your old story-your mind will usually resist this

8. Cognitive Distortions • When you examine a belief it is a good idea to check for cognitive distortions-see attached sheet • You will find that many beliefs you hold dear are full of distortions-even a seemingly innocent belief like “I should always be successful and never fail” has many distortions and can cause untold misery

9. Anatomy of Belief Change • Lets see how this works in real life • Imagine a new lawyer who believes “Success to me is being a partner in a big firm and making $300,000 per year” their are advantages and disadvantages to this belief-if it works out there will be huge prices to pay-if it doesn’t there will be a sense of failure and disappointment –also while in the process of getting (or not getting) this you will feel unsuccessful(I haven’t quite made it yet)

10. New and Improved Belief • Imagine another new lawyer who has carefully examined her thinking and thinks “success to me is being in the process of creating that which is most important to me” • This belief allows her to be successful all the way to the goal-it also forces her to carefully examine what is most important to her-she will clarify her values and be more likely to feel great about achieving whatever goal she sets-also no particular event needs to occur to make her happy-she has set her life up to win-she has removed as many preconditions as possible and can face life's contingencies