De-Escalation and Communication Strategies

1. De-Escalation and Communication Strategies Aly Williams Assistant Principal River Oaks Middle School

2. Mission and Vision Mission: Dorchester School District Two leading the way, every student, every day, through relationships, rigor, and relevance. Vision: Dorchester School District Two desires to be recognized as a “World Class” school district, expecting each student to achieve at his/her optimum level in all areas, and providing all members of our district family with an environment that permits them to do their personal best.

3. Some things to think about…. Why do children misbehave in our classrooms? When it comes to student behavior, do you respond in a proactive way or a reactive way? True or False… A crisis results in a traumatic experience for all people involved in the crisis.

5. What ?!Me Change?! THEY’RE the problem. (not me).

6. Why do children misbehave at school?

7. Hmmmm… We all do things for a REASON

8. (nearly) All behavior is learned. Behaviors continue to be shown because there is a benefit to doing so. Behaviors can be built, modified, or extinguished by skillfully manipulating the events and circumstances that surround them. We are one of those “events”. Foundations for Understanding Behaviors (so that we can “teach” better ones)

9. Possible Outcomes of Behavior BEHAVIOR OCCURS The situation, behavior or relationship will…

10. If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always getwhat you’ve always got. Hmmm….

11. The Behavior Cycle Self Concept (Irrational Beliefs)

12. Some (Irrational) Beliefs Students May Have About Themselves The beliefs of the students often differ from that of the adults  What the students are thinking… “Everyone Must Like Me!” “Everyone Must Treat Me Fairly” “If I Make a Mistake, I am Stupid” “It’s Never My Fault!” Students WILL create a crisis if their beliefs are challenged

13. Choices in Managing Feelings and Behavior We have choices in how we manage our feelings and behavior. We can: -Act them out -Deny and defend them -Accept and own them

14. Observable Behavior and Defense Mechanisms • “But he was looking at me funny.” • “I just finished what he started.” • “He was asking for it.”

15. How We Respond Can Help or Hurt How we impact the Behavior Cycle… We engage in a power struggle and become counter aggressive We assert that we are “ LARGE and IN CHARGE” We inadvertently continue to provoke the behavior

16. Student Behavior and Our Response

17. Breaking the Cycle byResponding to Behavior We have several choices when responding to behavior… Stop It: Staff intervenes to stop behavior Tolerate It: Allow some behaviors to continue Focus on other or more serious behaviors Encourage It: Reinforce the behavior Prevent It: Teach new skills to change the behavior

18. If we just STOP the behavior without teaching a new one… • Research shows the behavior will return • It will be worse than it was • And more negative behaviors will occur

19. Unbroken, the Behavior Cycle Spirals into CRISIS CRISIS

20. Why should we send kids to the office?

21. Who is IN CONTROL of your CLASSROOM?

22. Giving Up Your Power • If Mom says, “No!” I’ll ask Dad. You must be on the same page, follow the same procedures, and respond the same way to situations. • Wait until your father (the other teacher, principal, guidance, ISS ) hears about this. By quickly sending the student to someone else to take care of the problem, they lose respect for you and view you as weak. • If you don’t stop, I am going to call… Just like when you ask for help too soon, if you immediately call mom, the child thinks mom, principal, etc. is the boss, not you.

23. The problems kids cause ARE NOT the cause of their problems. Hmmm….

24. Para-verbal Communication How we say what we say… Tone: Positive and Professional Avoid sounding negative, sarcastic or whiny. Volume: Keep the volume appropriate for the distance and situation. Proximity is your friend! Cadence: Deliver your message using an even rate and rhythm. As few words as possible.

25. Using the language of negotiation Inside virtually everyone’s head are three voices that guide the individual… the child voice, the parent voice, and the adult voice. The ADULT voice provides the language of negotiation and allows issues to be examined in a non-threatening way.

26. The Adult Voice Non-judgmental, free of negative talk, factual, attitude of win-win. Most effective in facilitating the process of change

27. The Adult Voice • “In what ways could we solve this problem?” • “What are the choices in this situation?” • “I would like to recommend…”

28. The Adult Voice • “I am comfortable (uncomfortable) with….” • “Options that could be considered are….” • “These are the consequences of that choice/action….” • “We agree to disagree.”

29. A Common Mistake… Using the Parent Voice Educators often use the parent voice when reprimanding or redirecting students. THE PARENT VOICE: authoritative, directive, judgmental, evaluative, win-lose mentality, demanding, punitive, sometimes threatening or uses sarcasm.

30. The PARENT VOICE can create • SHAME and GUILT…which produce defensiveness • Defensivenessis a barrier to change • Defensiveness invites people to argue the arguer (YOU), instead of the issue (s) at hand

31. Verbal Messages: Remember not to YOU on People Delete the word, “YOU” from your vocabulary when dealing with misbehavior.  • It sounds like you are making a demand.   • It is condescending and controlling.  • It fails to solve the problem.   What can you say in place of "YOU" when talking with individuals in conflict? An “I” message

32. Do you ask questions? Do you ever find yourself asking kids: "Why are you out of your seat?” “What are you supposed to be doing?" “Where are you supposed to be?” When you ask questions are you really looking for the reason behind the behavior, or are you trying to get them to follow procedures or directions.  

33. The truth about…. WHY, WHAT and WHERE and behavior Asking "Why are you doing that?" really means"GOTCHA!!" Kids, realizing they are about to get negative consequences will then make excuses, deceive, lie, or otherwise try to escape the inevitable punishment/criticism/chastisement. 

34. Instead of asking “Why, What and Where?” Those questions force them into more undesirable behavior.  From that we lose focus on instruction and have to do deal with excuses/misbehaviors that emerge from the question we asked. What you are really saying is… "I'm going to give you the opportunity to come up with some excuse and expose yourself more to my impending verbal harassment."  Instead of asking questions, re-state/remind them of the procedure or direction you would like for them to follow.

36. Personal Space Usually 1½ to 3 ft It varies depending on who it is Getting in someone’s personal space will increase anxiety It includes their stuff

37. Body Language • Body posture and motion • Includes: facial expressions, gestures, posture, and movement • Your body language can make a situation better or worse A posture that appears confrontational may increase anxiety.

38. Ever wanted to say this during a conference with a parent?

39. Got Button Pushers? COUNTER AGGRESSION: Behavior that is meant to intimidateor injure an animal of the same species or of a competing species but is not predatory. Student’s comments such as: “No!” “Make, me!” “So what!” Beg for aggressive responses.

40. Staff Counteraggression Examples: • Ultimatums- If you don’t, then I will… • Power Struggles- Win/Lose • Entrapment • Pushing Buttons Defensive adult reactions create new stress for students.

41. Remember, YOU CAN’T MAKE ANYONE DO ANYTHING!

42. When WE Create the Conflict Sometimes well intentioned adults can make a situation worse. They may: • Have rigid, unrealistic expectations • Prejudge that the individual has a problem • Take students behavior personally • Just be in a bad mood

43. Teachers who create conflict put themselves in a DOUBLE STRUGGLE Some examples of double struggle responses: • “I don’t need to take that from you.” • “I knew it would be him again.” • “You are just like your older brother.” • “Why are you doing this to me?”

44. When faced with a Power Struggle The student wants to save face in front of their peers. • Offer choices • Change the directive- Ask the student to do something you know they will do • Lower the demand- Reduce the difficulty of the task you are asking them to complete • Allow for wait time • State the consequence for non-compliance • Allow for additional wait time

45. Be sure to be specific

46. Keys to Setting Limits • Clear and simple: Positive before Negative • Reasonable: Fit the behavior • Enforceable: If you can’t do it, don’t say it • Consistent: If you say it, you need to do it DO NOT SAY…. “If you don’t then I will…” Remember… Say what you mean, and mean what you say

47. Verbal Praise and Redirection What To Do Be explicit about directions and praise For example… • I like the way you solved that math problem. • I need for you to sit in your seat. • I would be proud of that grade on that test. What Not To Do Be vague, wordy or confusing For example… • Nice job, good work, great! • Go sit down over there. • I am so proud of you, I am going to write your mom a note and let her know…

48. QUIT TAKING IT PERSONALLY Q- TIP

49. Why would you poke a sleeping bear?

50. Got Baggage? Students have baggage that affects their behavior. Carry In: The problem is brought in from another setting (home or relationships) Tap In: The problem is tapping into a personal unresolved conflict Carry Over: The problem is carrying over from within the current setting but out of a different environment