Nobody ’ s Perfect: Helping Kids be OK with Good Enough (less then perfect)

Nobody’s Perfect: Helping Kids be OK with Good Enough (less then perfect) Vanessa Ann Vigilante, Ph.D. Psychologist Division of Behavioral Health A I duPont Hospital for Children Clinical Assistant Professor of Pediatrics Jefferson Medical College

How do we… • Help children value themselves… • …in success as well as failure? • …throughout the ups and downs of everyday life?

By teaching them the facts about life. • 1. A fraction of the time what we do is truly great. • 2. Most of the time what we do is good enough. • 3. Everything we do carries the likelihood of mistakes and failures.

What have we been told to do? • Protecting children from feelings of failure, disappointment, frustration or… • …affirming these feelings?

Self-Esteem: “Its all relative.” • How much we approve of/value ourselves • Based on comparison

Low Self-Esteem • Comes from the child’s evaluation of his/her perceived imperfections.

Low Self-Esteem • “I do not measure up.”

High Self-Esteem • “I measure up well.”

Artificially Inflate Self-Esteem • “Give” high self-esteem: - Praise indiscriminately - Protect from frustration/self doubt

Artificially Inflating Self-Esteem • Caregiver Response • “You’re so smart.” • “You’re so kind.” • “You’re so pretty.” • Child Translation • “Smartness makes me loveable.” • “Being kind makes me loveable.” • “Being pretty makes me loveable.”

Inflating Self Esteem: Drawbacks • Less than perfect/good enough is not ok… • …so, cannot take constructive feedback and does not learn from mistakes.

So, how do we: • Value ourselves in success as well as failure? • Value ourselves when we are less than perfect/good enough?

How do we: • Have high self-worth… • ….while being less than perfect (good enough)?

Get off the comparison track: Good enough is not OK. • Focused on outdoing others. • Good enough is not OK. • So, we don’t accept it. • So, we blame others. • So, we repeat the same mistake/get stuck. • So, our skill level does not grow.

Get on the Good Enough track:Less than perfect is OK • Focused on improving self • Mistakes are OK. • So, takes risks. • Leads to improved skill. • Not focused on doing better than others.

Here’s what good enough sounds like: • “ My parents always told me that whatever someone else had – in all areas – it wasn’t mine to be entitled to. That all I can do is the best I can do - and that what’s most important is whether I can do better at what I’m doing.”

Here’s how to: • Be content with not always measuring up. • Accept failure as a part of life. • Accept that sometimes it’s someone else’s turn to shine. • What others achieve or do not achieve has nothing to do with you. • Maintain self-worth in success as well as failure.

Being OK with Good Enough (less than perfect) • Based on self-acceptance • Not based on self-evaluation/social comparison

Are there drawbacks to being good enough (less than perfect)? • Will it lower standards/encourage laziness? • People focused on good enough are less likely to lower their standards.

Being OK with Good Enough: Rewards • Higher standards • Strong work ethic • Personal responsibility • Not afraid of failure • More courageous • More aware of personal faults

Thank you

Nobody ’ s Perfect: Helping Kids be OK with Good Enough (less then perfect)